Nine years ago this month I started my first online journal. I'm not sure if the term "blog" had become all that popular yet. One of my best friends since Jr. High (we're still friends) had shared with me that she had run across the phenomenon of online diaries and journals and had decided to start one and gave me the website, knowing that I had often journaled through the years. I set up my first online journal and wrote my first entry in the wee hours of the morning leading up to the attacks on September 11, 2001. The shock etc. related to those events is recorded in one of the first entries. But I didn't write much... why? Honestly I think there was just too much, it was sad and overwhelming and much was shifting.
On top of it my energies were needed elsewhere. I was in the middle of discernment about a call to ordained ministry. Did I really feel a call and was I willing to pursue it? Did others see a call in me too, what if they didn't? What if they did? More school? Another move? Forms & Meetings. Would I make it through? Where would it lead? 2001 to 2006 became 5 years of prayer, grumbling, confidence, fear, joy, anxiety, self-pity, peace, feeling alone, feeling solidarity, learning and growing, and much more as I discerned a call, continued the steps, and made it through seminary. My ordination services were in mid 2006 and early 2007.
Here I am, 9 years after that first grumbly, frustrated entry... wrestling with myself, with God, with various requirements, and I'm a priest. I've been a priest for about 3 1/2 years. In the grand scheme of things I think I'm still a relative newbie... I mean I haven't even gotten to preside at a wedding yet. On the other hand I've got 4 years of ordained ministry experience behind me and have been the sole priest at a parish for 2 1/2 years... so while some days it feels like I just left seminary, I can remind myself that I'm not as green as those who just graduated in May and are stepping into their first calls.
I wish I could reach back and offer a reassuring word to my younger self... hang in there... you've got great support, it'll be okay. On the other hand, I think at least some of the wrestling, the see-sawing was necessary... at least for me. I don't think this is something that someone should go into blindly without having considered the realities. I'm glad I did, that I took the time to be at least somewhat okay with it before commitments of more school etc. While I'm still certain that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing (although definitely with growing edges to work on and maybe strenghts I should use more), just a look at the NY Times article in recent months on clergy health issues and clergy burnout show that full-time ordained ministry is not easy.
Having not felt well this last week or so I've been feeling pressure of things I *should* be doing and upcoming events and the looming Advent and Christmas season, in addition to being a small parish that isn't really growing despite efforts to raise awareness that we're here.
So in addition to feeling kind of bad for the younger me who was grumbling and frustrated and trying so hard to figure things out... I also received a gift from the younger me. A gift in my typed prayer to God. A gift in being reminded of the day I took a quiet walk at the beach to spend time with God, to listen, to reflect. A gift in being reminded how hard I was trying to listen, and in how open I was to letting God use me and my gifts or strengths and what that might look like. I think these are all still part of me, but maybe in the day-to-day of ministry there are times when I'm open to being used... but perhaps open in a kind of narrow or limiting way.
So I get to ponder... as I appreciate the me who's grown in knowledge and spirituality, who's farther along my personal journey... are there aspects of my faith, my spiritual walk to remember, or to rekindle? What will nurture my faith and ministry as I look ahead to the next 9 years?
Peace! bythesea
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