What is wrong with my blog template?
All of a sudden on most of the templates I pick (my original plus others) it puts all my sidebar stuff at the bottom. Still on the proper side, but after all the current posts that are showing. I don't know why it's bumping that column down. It's annoying.
I ended up deleting out the site counter last night hoping that would help. Didn't. Thought maybe it was just my computer being wiggy, but still doesn't look right today. Picked some different templates. That erased a couple of the links I had added. Grrr. That's good to know. At least it doesn't delete your entries, and I'd only had a couple links. Good to know I should save links somewhere else just in case. I've only found 2 of the templates that seem to keep my sidebar stuff up at the top. But I'm not super crazy about the way they look (colors, etc.).
So now it has me thinking about messing with the template and doing some customizing. I had a webpage once before. Hmmm... actually, haven't thought about that in a while. I'm trying to remember where I'd had that hosted. I wonder if it's still floating around in cyberspace. I think it may have been through my old school I was attending 10 years ago. So it probably has been deleted. 10 years - Good Grief! Seems like yesterday - has it really been 10 years?! Anyway, I learned some basic HTML stuff to set up that little page.
Ack. My "creativity" button is getting pushed when I have this other stuff I need to be doing. However the fact that it's being pushed tells me that I need to be more intentional about giving myself some creative outlets.
Did something ever remind you of a part of your life that seems so different that it almost feels like a whole other life? That's what remembering that old webpage just did for me. That "old" life came back more as I thought about it. Haven't thought about that stuff in a while. I ended up searching Google for the names of friends I had back then. Then I realized that I've kept in sketchy contact with one over the years and I have contact info for her somewhere. The others? Probably better to just leave the past in the past.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Mtg w/Advisor
Had a good lunch and chat with Advisor this afternoon.
Talked about various things. Advisor is encountering some glitches with getting current writing project all pulled together (waiting on others to do their jobs). Advisor asked how things have been going and how last assignments are going, so I gave an update on the assignments and some of the stuff Dr. H. and I have been talking about/working on.
We talked some about how to set boundaries on the work you do on projects, and scale back info you might present in a class - common mistake for all teachers is to try and present too much info.
Re: the senior eval Advisor said that it was decidedly positive. People commented on the thoroughness of my work and the seriousness with which I approach it which demonstrates care and concern for what I'm doing. Advisor read the section from last year's eval about things I need to work on and then told them all the different things I had been doing to address those things (psychologist, try meds, try different time management techniques etc.). Advisor's opinion was that I was doing everything one could do to work on stuff. Said the faculty were impressed, "Wow." I haven't yapped about it to many of them (although I had told a little bit to a several), so until Advisor filled them I think many didn't realize the scope of what I've been up to, how could they?
Advisor said that there had never been concern about my abilities to be a good priest, the thing that had been of more concern in my case that they'd wanted me to work on was self-care. Can I take care of myself when I get out there and in a position. But I've demonstrated self-awareness and willingness to engage issues and make changes and try to take better care of myself with all the work I've been doing. Advisor said that the problem is when people are not self aware at all, or are unwilling to take steps to change anything.
So... yay, that was good news. Positive feedback and some affirmation.
Talked about various things. Advisor is encountering some glitches with getting current writing project all pulled together (waiting on others to do their jobs). Advisor asked how things have been going and how last assignments are going, so I gave an update on the assignments and some of the stuff Dr. H. and I have been talking about/working on.
We talked some about how to set boundaries on the work you do on projects, and scale back info you might present in a class - common mistake for all teachers is to try and present too much info.
Re: the senior eval Advisor said that it was decidedly positive. People commented on the thoroughness of my work and the seriousness with which I approach it which demonstrates care and concern for what I'm doing. Advisor read the section from last year's eval about things I need to work on and then told them all the different things I had been doing to address those things (psychologist, try meds, try different time management techniques etc.). Advisor's opinion was that I was doing everything one could do to work on stuff. Said the faculty were impressed, "Wow." I haven't yapped about it to many of them (although I had told a little bit to a several), so until Advisor filled them I think many didn't realize the scope of what I've been up to, how could they?
Advisor said that there had never been concern about my abilities to be a good priest, the thing that had been of more concern in my case that they'd wanted me to work on was self-care. Can I take care of myself when I get out there and in a position. But I've demonstrated self-awareness and willingness to engage issues and make changes and try to take better care of myself with all the work I've been doing. Advisor said that the problem is when people are not self aware at all, or are unwilling to take steps to change anything.
So... yay, that was good news. Positive feedback and some affirmation.
"Ah Ha" moment (long)
I had an "Ah Ha" moment this morning (about the whole veg on TV/avoidance the last couple nights) while convincing myself to stop hitting the snooze and get up. It's become even more clear as I typed about it.
Dr. H. and I have talked about it some so I don't know why it seemed to "click" more this morning or why I thought of it on my own instead of having Dr. H. remind me about it.
I realized that not only are the papers late but after Monday, in my mind, I've also now officially missed two deadlines on both of them. And I've been feeling like crap about it. So it's not so much that I don't want to sit there and figure out how to put the things together and what goes in and what stays out, and avoid sitting there moving a paragraph one place and then changing my mind and moving it back.
It's that I don't want to sit here and be reminded about how awful I feel. I don't want to feel like an idiot for having missed the two deadlines in the first place, so I'm avoiding the thing that's going to put it in my face the most - the papers themselves. When I sit down to work, it's acknowledging and facing the truth that I haven't finished them yet - hence the need to work on them. So that can tap into all that baggage I've been carting around: negative self talk and feelings about these specific papers and this semester about being a loser, a failure, not smart (contrary to IQ test results, if I were I wouldn't struggle) and an irresponsible, undependable person and/or liar because I'd said I'd have them turned in by a certain day and I haven't.
Those tap into doubts about ability to live into this call I've wrestled with from the beginning. I returned to Church in April 1998 and first recognized a call in December 1999. Are you kidding? It's only been a year and a half, I just started my spiritual journey and haven't finished reading the Bible. When I got here in August 2003 I hadn't read church history or theology. I came mostly with my faith, and with some life experience and prior education.
Anyway, the whole writing/avoidance thing is weird because it's the reverse of what you'd think it would be. You'd think that sitting down to work on it would make you feel good (sometimes it does - I was feeling better after making some progress the other day). That it would tap into thoughts of: Hey look, I'm able to do this, I'm making progress, etc. and that you would avoid the avoidance because that's when your conscience is sitting on your shoulder yapping at you about everything else you need to be doing.
But instead it's kind of the reverse and becomes a viscious cycle.
Something happens and you don't finish the paper (it was hard to pull together, were being too thorough or perfectionistic, you had too many assignments or responsibilities and couldn't juggle them all, you got sick, etc). Then you're frustrated about whatever made you late and feel bad about missing the due date. Then you try to work on it, but don't get far because in addition to the original issue you also now feel bad about not finishing on time.
Because you made such little progress you now feel a little worse. Then you can't bring yourself to work on it. So you find yourself working on other things (because that one is late already, why not work on this other thing that's due), or doing housework, or getting sucked into the TV or internet as a distraction and avoidance of how awful you feel. But the longer it goes, the worse you feel, and you don't want to feel bad.
It's mentally and emotionally painful, and tiring (takes a lot of energy). But it's subtle because you're not even all that aware of it, it's kind of going on in the background. When you go to sit at the computer and then feel like you don't have it in you to do it right now, you decide to watch TV for a while hoping to regroup and be able to do some work after a little break.
You're thinking you're just tired or not inspired or motivated at the moment. You're not aware of all the baggage underneath it all. All you know is that it's getting harder and harder to do the damn thing and you're getting more and more stressed and frustrated about it, and that doesn't help matters either.
So! Now that I've recognized how awful I've been feeling (crying in the shower the other day should have clued me in, but I attributed that to stress and frustration), and know that it might get worse, maybe that can help me push through.
If I know when I sit down I may feel like I don't want to do it right now, can't do it right now, I can expect it and try to acknowledge it as baggage, give it a nod and try to set it aside. I think Dr. H. said once to see if you can just do something anyway - just start somewhere. So maybe I can type something, even if it's stream of consciousness or something I'll delete later because it doesn't flow or fit, just to get through the writers block and on track.
My sister called to check on me and when I told her about the viscious cycle she said that that was happening to her with grading, etc. and she'd finally figured it out a couple years ago so now she does everything she can to do her grading as soon as she has papers and exams, so she doesn't fall into that. Said maybe once I finish one thing I'll feel better, try to do the easiest one first.
Well this is really long and I have to leave soon to meet Advisor.
I'm feeling good about this though, to recognize and finally be able to put more words to what happening. :) I hope it helps me get to work.
Woo Hoo!
Dr. H. and I have talked about it some so I don't know why it seemed to "click" more this morning or why I thought of it on my own instead of having Dr. H. remind me about it.
I realized that not only are the papers late but after Monday, in my mind, I've also now officially missed two deadlines on both of them. And I've been feeling like crap about it. So it's not so much that I don't want to sit there and figure out how to put the things together and what goes in and what stays out, and avoid sitting there moving a paragraph one place and then changing my mind and moving it back.
It's that I don't want to sit here and be reminded about how awful I feel. I don't want to feel like an idiot for having missed the two deadlines in the first place, so I'm avoiding the thing that's going to put it in my face the most - the papers themselves. When I sit down to work, it's acknowledging and facing the truth that I haven't finished them yet - hence the need to work on them. So that can tap into all that baggage I've been carting around: negative self talk and feelings about these specific papers and this semester about being a loser, a failure, not smart (contrary to IQ test results, if I were I wouldn't struggle) and an irresponsible, undependable person and/or liar because I'd said I'd have them turned in by a certain day and I haven't.
Those tap into doubts about ability to live into this call I've wrestled with from the beginning. I returned to Church in April 1998 and first recognized a call in December 1999. Are you kidding? It's only been a year and a half, I just started my spiritual journey and haven't finished reading the Bible. When I got here in August 2003 I hadn't read church history or theology. I came mostly with my faith, and with some life experience and prior education.
Anyway, the whole writing/avoidance thing is weird because it's the reverse of what you'd think it would be. You'd think that sitting down to work on it would make you feel good (sometimes it does - I was feeling better after making some progress the other day). That it would tap into thoughts of: Hey look, I'm able to do this, I'm making progress, etc. and that you would avoid the avoidance because that's when your conscience is sitting on your shoulder yapping at you about everything else you need to be doing.
But instead it's kind of the reverse and becomes a viscious cycle.
Something happens and you don't finish the paper (it was hard to pull together, were being too thorough or perfectionistic, you had too many assignments or responsibilities and couldn't juggle them all, you got sick, etc). Then you're frustrated about whatever made you late and feel bad about missing the due date. Then you try to work on it, but don't get far because in addition to the original issue you also now feel bad about not finishing on time.
Because you made such little progress you now feel a little worse. Then you can't bring yourself to work on it. So you find yourself working on other things (because that one is late already, why not work on this other thing that's due), or doing housework, or getting sucked into the TV or internet as a distraction and avoidance of how awful you feel. But the longer it goes, the worse you feel, and you don't want to feel bad.
It's mentally and emotionally painful, and tiring (takes a lot of energy). But it's subtle because you're not even all that aware of it, it's kind of going on in the background. When you go to sit at the computer and then feel like you don't have it in you to do it right now, you decide to watch TV for a while hoping to regroup and be able to do some work after a little break.
You're thinking you're just tired or not inspired or motivated at the moment. You're not aware of all the baggage underneath it all. All you know is that it's getting harder and harder to do the damn thing and you're getting more and more stressed and frustrated about it, and that doesn't help matters either.
So! Now that I've recognized how awful I've been feeling (crying in the shower the other day should have clued me in, but I attributed that to stress and frustration), and know that it might get worse, maybe that can help me push through.
If I know when I sit down I may feel like I don't want to do it right now, can't do it right now, I can expect it and try to acknowledge it as baggage, give it a nod and try to set it aside. I think Dr. H. said once to see if you can just do something anyway - just start somewhere. So maybe I can type something, even if it's stream of consciousness or something I'll delete later because it doesn't flow or fit, just to get through the writers block and on track.
My sister called to check on me and when I told her about the viscious cycle she said that that was happening to her with grading, etc. and she'd finally figured it out a couple years ago so now she does everything she can to do her grading as soon as she has papers and exams, so she doesn't fall into that. Said maybe once I finish one thing I'll feel better, try to do the easiest one first.
Well this is really long and I have to leave soon to meet Advisor.
I'm feeling good about this though, to recognize and finally be able to put more words to what happening. :) I hope it helps me get to work.
Woo Hoo!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Wed evening
Reminded turning on TV while eating (cause it's boring to just eat and stare at the wall), when you've got other things to do, is a bad idea... easy to get sucked in. Oh well.
Thought about calling Dr. H. to get pulled out of veg/avoidance mode (since Dr. H. had said I could), but decided not to call. Didn't know what good that would do. Can lead a horse to water, can't make it drink. Dr. H. has already done a lot this week anyway and getting ready for vacation - doesn't need me pestering. Going to bed, gonna work on papers in the morning.
I'll keep repeating the mantra: protein, sleep, simplify, doesn't have to be thorough - finishing is the goal.
Thought about calling Dr. H. to get pulled out of veg/avoidance mode (since Dr. H. had said I could), but decided not to call. Didn't know what good that would do. Can lead a horse to water, can't make it drink. Dr. H. has already done a lot this week anyway and getting ready for vacation - doesn't need me pestering. Going to bed, gonna work on papers in the morning.
I'll keep repeating the mantra: protein, sleep, simplify, doesn't have to be thorough - finishing is the goal.
Wednesday Update
Dr. H. responded to an email yesterday:
"Remember to keep it simple. Make it simple.
This is great: (the thinking is “you can do this, just finish the damn thing so you can move on to the liturgy stuff.”
Finishing is the goal; not doing it thoroughly but simply."
Later on in the evening talked to Dr. H. on the phone - it was suggested:
1) having pizza was too much carbs will make it harder to think/work, need more protein and
2) I was too sleep deprived. Should consider just going to bed. Hard to think/work without enough sleep, easier to find self going in circles, also not good self care to run self into the ground.
Sleep = good suggestion. Feeling better. :) Got up with just enough time to get ready and leave for semester eval with field ed supervising priest (M+ , not to be confused with my male friend M back home). That went okay, we had a good chat.
Some stuff we talked about ties into stuff I've been working on with psychologist.
M+ recommends my trying to limit research/preparation (i.e. when teaching & preaching) because in a parish you don't have the same time to do it if you are teaching a class, preaching on Sunday and have a homily on Wednesday - like you might have if you were writing 3 seminary assignments. What people get from it is not necessarily proportional to time invested - diminishing returns after a certain point. So if you work 5 hours on something, working 5 more hours might only add a teeny bit to what people learn or how they receive it - so is it worth the extra time?
M+ also said based on what he knows of me and my personality he encourages me to work toward a "conversational" approach to preaching and teaching (also happens to be M+'s approach). Said this approach is relational, can be influenced by interactions with parishioners and often works better with folks than trying to lecture in class or "preach" anyway. It seems to M+ it's already part of who I am, so I should develop it. Said when preaching imagine someone came up to me at coffee hour and asked a question, what do I say? How do I converse with them? One way to be more conversational in a sermon is to ask a question and pause there, for folks to respond.
We met for quite a while, so these are only 2 of the things we discussed. Also talked some with S+ afterward. S+ tried to change my mind about Contemplative prayer. Following our discussion I have a better grasp of what it's really supposed to be which might work a little better for me than how others have tried to teach/explain it. But even with that, the way it was described made me feel it was likely to make me want to jump out of my skin, but tried to be open and courteous to what S+ was saying. I see it's value and would recommend it to others, but the jury is out on how often it will be part of my prayer life in the future.
I was enjoying being out and about, so I picked up a few things at the grocery store. Got home - email from a classmate, did I set up my template for GOE answers yet (strict guidelines)? She knows I worked as a word processor. Maybe I should have been working on Ethics or Liturgy, but decided to set up my GOE shell.
Resulted in 3 templates: blank, simple explanation, and detailed explanation. I only needed the blank, the others were mostly for friend's benefit. Detailed because she is stressing over GOEs and my template is kind of advanced. I use styles I create for headings, body, quotes, references, etc. I don't think the general public uses them much, they format manually. Sent docs to her when I was done. At least that is done.
Having lunch with my Advisor tomorrow to discuss Senior Eval.
5:00 pm so I need to:
1) eat - did I really only eat 2 gingersnap cookies at the church all day? Not good. No wonder I've lost 8 pounds on meds.
2) try to work on assignments now that I've had sleep and a long break.
I can hear the mantra: protein and simplify. :)
"Remember to keep it simple. Make it simple.
This is great: (the thinking is “you can do this, just finish the damn thing so you can move on to the liturgy stuff.”
Finishing is the goal; not doing it thoroughly but simply."
Later on in the evening talked to Dr. H. on the phone - it was suggested:
1) having pizza was too much carbs will make it harder to think/work, need more protein and
2) I was too sleep deprived. Should consider just going to bed. Hard to think/work without enough sleep, easier to find self going in circles, also not good self care to run self into the ground.
Sleep = good suggestion. Feeling better. :) Got up with just enough time to get ready and leave for semester eval with field ed supervising priest (M+ , not to be confused with my male friend M back home). That went okay, we had a good chat.
Some stuff we talked about ties into stuff I've been working on with psychologist.
M+ recommends my trying to limit research/preparation (i.e. when teaching & preaching) because in a parish you don't have the same time to do it if you are teaching a class, preaching on Sunday and have a homily on Wednesday - like you might have if you were writing 3 seminary assignments. What people get from it is not necessarily proportional to time invested - diminishing returns after a certain point. So if you work 5 hours on something, working 5 more hours might only add a teeny bit to what people learn or how they receive it - so is it worth the extra time?
M+ also said based on what he knows of me and my personality he encourages me to work toward a "conversational" approach to preaching and teaching (also happens to be M+'s approach). Said this approach is relational, can be influenced by interactions with parishioners and often works better with folks than trying to lecture in class or "preach" anyway. It seems to M+ it's already part of who I am, so I should develop it. Said when preaching imagine someone came up to me at coffee hour and asked a question, what do I say? How do I converse with them? One way to be more conversational in a sermon is to ask a question and pause there, for folks to respond.
We met for quite a while, so these are only 2 of the things we discussed. Also talked some with S+ afterward. S+ tried to change my mind about Contemplative prayer. Following our discussion I have a better grasp of what it's really supposed to be which might work a little better for me than how others have tried to teach/explain it. But even with that, the way it was described made me feel it was likely to make me want to jump out of my skin, but tried to be open and courteous to what S+ was saying. I see it's value and would recommend it to others, but the jury is out on how often it will be part of my prayer life in the future.
I was enjoying being out and about, so I picked up a few things at the grocery store. Got home - email from a classmate, did I set up my template for GOE answers yet (strict guidelines)? She knows I worked as a word processor. Maybe I should have been working on Ethics or Liturgy, but decided to set up my GOE shell.
Resulted in 3 templates: blank, simple explanation, and detailed explanation. I only needed the blank, the others were mostly for friend's benefit. Detailed because she is stressing over GOEs and my template is kind of advanced. I use styles I create for headings, body, quotes, references, etc. I don't think the general public uses them much, they format manually. Sent docs to her when I was done. At least that is done.
Having lunch with my Advisor tomorrow to discuss Senior Eval.
5:00 pm so I need to:
1) eat - did I really only eat 2 gingersnap cookies at the church all day? Not good. No wonder I've lost 8 pounds on meds.
2) try to work on assignments now that I've had sleep and a long break.
I can hear the mantra: protein and simplify. :)
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Christian Pro Wrestling?
Anyone else see the news story on Tuesday night about "body slamming" for God - about Christian Professional Wrestling??? These folks try to use it as an evangelism tool.
I said to the TV: they're doing WHAT?! Hmmm... I wonder if I could take that as an elective next semester. Heheheheh! I could be like Chyna, but with a collar. ;)
Seriously... no joke. Check it out.
http://www.ultimatechristianwrestling.com/
http://www.somethingcool.ca/scnw_ucw.htm
http://www.sliceoflaodicea.com/archives/2005/12/bodyslam_evange.php
http://www.geezmagazine.org/articles/ae-wrestling.html
http://www.baptiststandard.com/2001/5_21/print/wrestling.html
I said to the TV: they're doing WHAT?! Hmmm... I wonder if I could take that as an elective next semester. Heheheheh! I could be like Chyna, but with a collar. ;)
Seriously... no joke. Check it out.
http://www.ultimatechristianwrestling.com/
http://www.somethingcool.ca/scnw_ucw.htm
http://www.sliceoflaodicea.com/archives/2005/12/bodyslam_evange.php
http://www.geezmagazine.org/articles/ae-wrestling.html
http://www.baptiststandard.com/2001/5_21/print/wrestling.html
And so it goes
Bed around 3am. After 3 to 4 hours sleep alarm going off to get up for a program at church I was going to attend to observe and volunteer for. Realized I was feeling that "blech I stayed up all night feeling," even though I'd gotten a little sleep, in no real shape to minister to others and needed to engage in some self-care so I don't run myself into the ground, had no clean clergy shirt and still had papers to write.
Insert expletive beginning with "F" here, and that's what I thought in that moment.
Stayed in bed a while longer hoping the all-nighter feeling would pass, it didn't. Called supervisor and left message that I was staying home. Don't know what he'll say about that (if anything) at our performance eval tomorrow. blah. Back to bed. You'd think I would have known better to plan something extra within days of finishing a semester - that I would either still be working on stuff or would need a break or both. But I was being optimistic and truly wanted to spend more time at the parish over the break, so at the time it seemed like a good plan.
Got up at 10am – feeling better but still tired (should have turned alarm off, would have slept better than with hitting the snooze forever). Took med. Got some work done on ethics paper. Sent an email to prof about its status.
Sister called to check on me, I tried to explain what was going on, she was encouraging.
Something I told my sister got me thinking, so I sent a little email to both profs to try and give them insight into what happens when I get stuck on a project (i.e. too much info not narrow enough, trying to understand the whole so I can write about one of the parts, tend to make it more complicated than it needs to be).
Was able to get a little more work done on ethics.
Then probably between 2 and 3pm started feeling stuck/spinning wheels and getting too picky about what I was writing (moving the same sentence around, changing wording, etc.), and getting off on a tangent. Checked email - Liturgy prof asks if I can say when I'm going to turn my stuff in? Urg. I didn’t answer because I didn’t know what to say. My hope is tonight or in the morning, but ??? The way things are going and with me being a bad judge of how long things take anyway, I didn't want to make a guess and then fail to miss that due date.
So then I'm stuck and feeling guilty. Decided I needed that break Dr. H. had said the other day can be really helpful.
Took a long shower. Showers always make me feel better. The hot water relaxes tense muscles and I seem to be able to think in there, and feel energized to do stuff after. Maybe it stimulates the skin and that makes you wake up all over?
Anyway, because I was frustrated shower included mental cursing and "why can’t I just do this" type self talk, some prayer, and a brief bout of crying. After shower was feeling better. Calmer, not as stressed. But I felt like I still needed more of a break. Tried to figure out what to do, didn’t want to be gone too long like a trip to the store, but wanted out of apartment. Decided to check campus mailbox for assignments. Got back the service that I’d spent so much time on earlier in the week with positive comments. :)
Came back home, read a few Christmas cards that came in the mail. Nice to hear from folks.
So... Trying to get refocused and back to work on ethics (the thinking is “you can do this, just finish the damn thing so you can move on to the liturgy stuff.”
I also realized I have only eaten a bowl of oatmeal today and that was hours ago, so I’ve ordered a pizza.
Okay… I’ve had a break (much longer than I'd intended). Now food is on the way. That’s a good start.
Shoot, it’s 4:45pm, where’d my day go?
Insert expletive beginning with "F" here, and that's what I thought in that moment.
Stayed in bed a while longer hoping the all-nighter feeling would pass, it didn't. Called supervisor and left message that I was staying home. Don't know what he'll say about that (if anything) at our performance eval tomorrow. blah. Back to bed. You'd think I would have known better to plan something extra within days of finishing a semester - that I would either still be working on stuff or would need a break or both. But I was being optimistic and truly wanted to spend more time at the parish over the break, so at the time it seemed like a good plan.
Got up at 10am – feeling better but still tired (should have turned alarm off, would have slept better than with hitting the snooze forever). Took med. Got some work done on ethics paper. Sent an email to prof about its status.
Sister called to check on me, I tried to explain what was going on, she was encouraging.
Something I told my sister got me thinking, so I sent a little email to both profs to try and give them insight into what happens when I get stuck on a project (i.e. too much info not narrow enough, trying to understand the whole so I can write about one of the parts, tend to make it more complicated than it needs to be).
Was able to get a little more work done on ethics.
Then probably between 2 and 3pm started feeling stuck/spinning wheels and getting too picky about what I was writing (moving the same sentence around, changing wording, etc.), and getting off on a tangent. Checked email - Liturgy prof asks if I can say when I'm going to turn my stuff in? Urg. I didn’t answer because I didn’t know what to say. My hope is tonight or in the morning, but ??? The way things are going and with me being a bad judge of how long things take anyway, I didn't want to make a guess and then fail to miss that due date.
So then I'm stuck and feeling guilty. Decided I needed that break Dr. H. had said the other day can be really helpful.
Took a long shower. Showers always make me feel better. The hot water relaxes tense muscles and I seem to be able to think in there, and feel energized to do stuff after. Maybe it stimulates the skin and that makes you wake up all over?
Anyway, because I was frustrated shower included mental cursing and "why can’t I just do this" type self talk, some prayer, and a brief bout of crying. After shower was feeling better. Calmer, not as stressed. But I felt like I still needed more of a break. Tried to figure out what to do, didn’t want to be gone too long like a trip to the store, but wanted out of apartment. Decided to check campus mailbox for assignments. Got back the service that I’d spent so much time on earlier in the week with positive comments. :)
Came back home, read a few Christmas cards that came in the mail. Nice to hear from folks.
So... Trying to get refocused and back to work on ethics (the thinking is “you can do this, just finish the damn thing so you can move on to the liturgy stuff.”
I also realized I have only eaten a bowl of oatmeal today and that was hours ago, so I’ve ordered a pizza.
Okay… I’ve had a break (much longer than I'd intended). Now food is on the way. That’s a good start.
Shoot, it’s 4:45pm, where’d my day go?
Paper update
2:40am urg.
Ethics not complete, but have done more work on it. Somehow ended up working some more on the beginning and not so much on the body of it.
Didn't get back on track right away after appointment because I talked to a neighbor for a bit, my mom kept calling me about various things, and spent an hour watching a TV show. Then spent about an hour journaling. Before I knew it, it was after 10pm. I think it was about 11 before I really got back to work on the thing.
Ethics not complete, but have done more work on it. Somehow ended up working some more on the beginning and not so much on the body of it.
Didn't get back on track right away after appointment because I talked to a neighbor for a bit, my mom kept calling me about various things, and spent an hour watching a TV show. Then spent about an hour journaling. Before I knew it, it was after 10pm. I think it was about 11 before I really got back to work on the thing.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Update... some progress
Before taking Rev. K. to the airport this afternoon I emailed Liturgy Prof about being a bit stuck - part of the reason I realized I was having a hard time picturing what this paper was actually supposed to "look" like - how detailed, etc. in addition to my little research pit/rabbit trail excursion. Prof emailed back. Said to ease up on myself some, that I will have the rest of my life as a priest to figure this stuff out. That the page limit should indicate level of detail... not very detailed. Try to hit the bigger pieces of the service, etc. so I could finish and get it in. Okay... so that gave me a little breathing room and better idea of how to narrow in.
When I left my apartment it was actually sunny out instead of gloomy gray. That was a refreshing change! Changed my mood. Got Rev. K. to the airport for her flight. She tried to give me a couple last minute GOE pointers in the car. Gave me a little hug and peck on the cheek saying something assuring about GOEs as we parted. Awww. Sweet mentor. At the x-mas party someone found out that she'd been my sponsoring priest into the process and said, "you must be proud of her" and she'd said something like "yes, I am proud of her." On the way home went through McDonald's for a happy meal (with one of those teeny sodas - got a Coke... yeah, yeah I know... bad! bad me since my M.D. wants me to try and avoid caffeine on this medicine.
Got home and had my little snack, and was in a different place than I'd been yesterday. Had left the ethics stuff on the desk to remind me to work on that some instead of getting trapped by liturgy when I got home. Might make some progress before appt. with Dr. H. And you know what? I did make progress. Got some work done on the ethics paper. Woo Hoo! Not quite as much as I'd hoped, but still something. Something typed in is much better than just staring at a little stack of folder, notes and reader.
Had a good appt. with Dr. H. The bad news... Dr. H. is going on vacation on Thursday until day two of our GOEs - ack! So I'll be pretty much on my own as I get ready for that task. Said to call or email in the next day or so to update on where I'm at. Very kind of Dr. to not charge me for our several phone conversations last week. They weren't like an hour long appointment, but if you added up several 5 to 15 minute calls you might be at a half-hour or even 45 minutes. I don't know, I wasn't timing. I think in addition to seeing me as patient that Dr. H. also likes me as a person and sees me as kind of a colleague since I'm going into a helping profession, so maybe that's a gift... wants to support someone who's a poor graduate student and would like to see succeed??? In any event... pretty cool.
So, the appointment. Actually started on kind of a humorous note. I was a bit grumbly and frustrated even though I'd finally gotten work done on the ethics paper. I admitted that while I don't tend to say it out loud that when I'm going through stuff like this there is cursing in my head such as "F***!" or "What the Hell?!" Kind of embarassing to say the f-word in front of someone who knows you're going to be a priest and the most caustic language they've probably heard you say to date is "crap" or freakin'. But hey, I never claimed to be a saint. I had a life before seminary, including a fairly blue-collar dad with a bit of a temper, so I'm no stranger to what Spock would call "colorful metaphors." Anway, we laughed a little about the internal cursing. Dr. seemed to relate. Even at one point later in the session describing what it's like to be wrestling with something and in the midst of it you think, "f---" I said exactly! and laughed and asked, have you been hiding in my apartment? Dr. laughed and said no, I'm just going off what you said earlier. Heh! :)
As to more of the "meat" of the appointment, Dr. H. started by pointing out that at last appointment the plan was to finish two smaller projects that had no emotional baggage and then to work on the project for my elective, and then the ethics project. I'd finished the 2 projects and the thing for the elective. Then I finished another liturgy assignment that I hadn't known if I would get to, instead of working on ethics. So... the original plan was to get at least 4 things done and I got 4 things done. I'm also much more on track at the end of this semester than I was last semester, so that's good too. So try not to discount that and beat myself up over getting stuck this weekend.
Dr. H. noted when people get stressed or anxious there are two typical patterns - people either simplify (sometimes over simplify) or get more detailed/complex. Said that I seem to be doing the detailed thing, getting caught up in lots of possibilities and analyzing. Says that because I'm bright and because of ADD I tend to think of things in a complex way already (says it's kind of a curse in some ways to be a smart person with ADD because of this). Has mentioned my being bright or smart at our last couple appointments. Dr. H. knows from the test results I obtained from the Dr. who did my psych eval for the discernment process that my IQ was in the superior range on the WAIS (my full score on that test was a 124 with a possible error of +/- 7 points, in the last couple years on a couple online tests I've scored from high 120's to mid 130's). So... I don't know if Dr. is mentioning it because of this complication that it adds and really wants this to sink in so I'm more aware of it (also it's thought intelligence compensates for ADD so people may not realize what's wrong and not figure it out until later... if ever). Or it could be Dr. H. is trying to boost my confidence by gently reminding me of my ability. Maybe a little of both.
Anyway, said that because the ethics paper revision had been pushed off it had more emotional baggage attached to it. We discussed that some. Dr. thought possibly that (in addition to maybe needing a break) lead to avoidance behavior. At first I said that this was different than in the spring. It did not have that same block/wall and "no, no, don't make me do it" feeling. However, as we talked I realized that there was something similar.
The block before wasn't so much in sitting there trying to plough through it staring at a blank computer screen or at my books and coming up with nothing. It was that whenever I tried to sit down and work on it that I would feel an inner resistance - nope, can't do it, need to park my butt on the couch and veg on TV instead, or get involved in something else than my paper. And this weekend there was something like that too it. Was getting sucked into the internet and into some TV watching before I ever fell solidly into the land of liturgy books and got overwhelmed by all that information. Dr. said that even getting absorbed by the liturgy stuff could have also (all this subconsciously of course) been a form of avoidance. Thought that it was good that I recognized some similarity between what I felt in the spring and what was happening now. But then I felt a little frustrated and down... "*sigh*...yeah, but if it's the same then I haven't gotten anywhere" I kind of grumbled. Dr. H. didn't agree with that.
Dr. said that if that's happening(avoidance type getting stuck/off track) it's likely I need a mental or emotional break and I need to give myself permission to really have a break rather than feel guilty about it. Said sometimes a change of scenery works wonders (much like today) - that nature is always good, but could be anything. Instead of being focused on this one thing (assignment) that seems huge and like the whole world, by getting out and seeing there's other stuff going on outside your apartment you connect to the bigger world and it puts things in perspective, gets you out of your house for a change. So you can relax some and regroup and it might be easier to work on stuff when you come back to it - rather than sitting there trying to push through and ruminating or doing something else in your house to avoid the assignment and then feeling awful about not working on it. Better to make a conscious decision to step away and take a break.
As predicted, Dr. says my mantra should be simplify, simplify, simplify. Heh! :)
Said as I finish up ethics paper... work on the easy parts first. Go find a couple blurbs to plop in to make my point. If I need more I can go back and flesh it out more later. Did I address this point? Yes? Okay move on. I might find when I finish that it's adequate and I don't need to go back and do more. I was telling Dr. H. how I'd gotten stuck making a transition from into/thesis statement and preview into the real body of paper this afternoon. I didn't think what I was trying to say or do was all that complicated, but Dr. H. seemed to think that it was a bit complicated. Didn't say I needed to simplify that, but I did find that observation a bit surprising. I didn't quite see how the connection/transition I wanted to make was complicated. To me it just kind of made sense. Oh well.
Now that I've taken some time to think about this and record stuff before I forget, I guess I should go apply this advice.
When I left my apartment it was actually sunny out instead of gloomy gray. That was a refreshing change! Changed my mood. Got Rev. K. to the airport for her flight. She tried to give me a couple last minute GOE pointers in the car. Gave me a little hug and peck on the cheek saying something assuring about GOEs as we parted. Awww. Sweet mentor. At the x-mas party someone found out that she'd been my sponsoring priest into the process and said, "you must be proud of her" and she'd said something like "yes, I am proud of her." On the way home went through McDonald's for a happy meal (with one of those teeny sodas - got a Coke... yeah, yeah I know... bad! bad me since my M.D. wants me to try and avoid caffeine on this medicine.
Got home and had my little snack, and was in a different place than I'd been yesterday. Had left the ethics stuff on the desk to remind me to work on that some instead of getting trapped by liturgy when I got home. Might make some progress before appt. with Dr. H. And you know what? I did make progress. Got some work done on the ethics paper. Woo Hoo! Not quite as much as I'd hoped, but still something. Something typed in is much better than just staring at a little stack of folder, notes and reader.
Had a good appt. with Dr. H. The bad news... Dr. H. is going on vacation on Thursday until day two of our GOEs - ack! So I'll be pretty much on my own as I get ready for that task. Said to call or email in the next day or so to update on where I'm at. Very kind of Dr. to not charge me for our several phone conversations last week. They weren't like an hour long appointment, but if you added up several 5 to 15 minute calls you might be at a half-hour or even 45 minutes. I don't know, I wasn't timing. I think in addition to seeing me as patient that Dr. H. also likes me as a person and sees me as kind of a colleague since I'm going into a helping profession, so maybe that's a gift... wants to support someone who's a poor graduate student and would like to see succeed??? In any event... pretty cool.
So, the appointment. Actually started on kind of a humorous note. I was a bit grumbly and frustrated even though I'd finally gotten work done on the ethics paper. I admitted that while I don't tend to say it out loud that when I'm going through stuff like this there is cursing in my head such as "F***!" or "What the Hell?!" Kind of embarassing to say the f-word in front of someone who knows you're going to be a priest and the most caustic language they've probably heard you say to date is "crap" or freakin'. But hey, I never claimed to be a saint. I had a life before seminary, including a fairly blue-collar dad with a bit of a temper, so I'm no stranger to what Spock would call "colorful metaphors." Anway, we laughed a little about the internal cursing. Dr. seemed to relate. Even at one point later in the session describing what it's like to be wrestling with something and in the midst of it you think, "f---" I said exactly! and laughed and asked, have you been hiding in my apartment? Dr. laughed and said no, I'm just going off what you said earlier. Heh! :)
As to more of the "meat" of the appointment, Dr. H. started by pointing out that at last appointment the plan was to finish two smaller projects that had no emotional baggage and then to work on the project for my elective, and then the ethics project. I'd finished the 2 projects and the thing for the elective. Then I finished another liturgy assignment that I hadn't known if I would get to, instead of working on ethics. So... the original plan was to get at least 4 things done and I got 4 things done. I'm also much more on track at the end of this semester than I was last semester, so that's good too. So try not to discount that and beat myself up over getting stuck this weekend.
Dr. H. noted when people get stressed or anxious there are two typical patterns - people either simplify (sometimes over simplify) or get more detailed/complex. Said that I seem to be doing the detailed thing, getting caught up in lots of possibilities and analyzing. Says that because I'm bright and because of ADD I tend to think of things in a complex way already (says it's kind of a curse in some ways to be a smart person with ADD because of this). Has mentioned my being bright or smart at our last couple appointments. Dr. H. knows from the test results I obtained from the Dr. who did my psych eval for the discernment process that my IQ was in the superior range on the WAIS (my full score on that test was a 124 with a possible error of +/- 7 points, in the last couple years on a couple online tests I've scored from high 120's to mid 130's). So... I don't know if Dr. is mentioning it because of this complication that it adds and really wants this to sink in so I'm more aware of it (also it's thought intelligence compensates for ADD so people may not realize what's wrong and not figure it out until later... if ever). Or it could be Dr. H. is trying to boost my confidence by gently reminding me of my ability. Maybe a little of both.
Anyway, said that because the ethics paper revision had been pushed off it had more emotional baggage attached to it. We discussed that some. Dr. thought possibly that (in addition to maybe needing a break) lead to avoidance behavior. At first I said that this was different than in the spring. It did not have that same block/wall and "no, no, don't make me do it" feeling. However, as we talked I realized that there was something similar.
The block before wasn't so much in sitting there trying to plough through it staring at a blank computer screen or at my books and coming up with nothing. It was that whenever I tried to sit down and work on it that I would feel an inner resistance - nope, can't do it, need to park my butt on the couch and veg on TV instead, or get involved in something else than my paper. And this weekend there was something like that too it. Was getting sucked into the internet and into some TV watching before I ever fell solidly into the land of liturgy books and got overwhelmed by all that information. Dr. said that even getting absorbed by the liturgy stuff could have also (all this subconsciously of course) been a form of avoidance. Thought that it was good that I recognized some similarity between what I felt in the spring and what was happening now. But then I felt a little frustrated and down... "*sigh*...yeah, but if it's the same then I haven't gotten anywhere" I kind of grumbled. Dr. H. didn't agree with that.
Dr. said that if that's happening(avoidance type getting stuck/off track) it's likely I need a mental or emotional break and I need to give myself permission to really have a break rather than feel guilty about it. Said sometimes a change of scenery works wonders (much like today) - that nature is always good, but could be anything. Instead of being focused on this one thing (assignment) that seems huge and like the whole world, by getting out and seeing there's other stuff going on outside your apartment you connect to the bigger world and it puts things in perspective, gets you out of your house for a change. So you can relax some and regroup and it might be easier to work on stuff when you come back to it - rather than sitting there trying to push through and ruminating or doing something else in your house to avoid the assignment and then feeling awful about not working on it. Better to make a conscious decision to step away and take a break.
As predicted, Dr. says my mantra should be simplify, simplify, simplify. Heh! :)
Said as I finish up ethics paper... work on the easy parts first. Go find a couple blurbs to plop in to make my point. If I need more I can go back and flesh it out more later. Did I address this point? Yes? Okay move on. I might find when I finish that it's adequate and I don't need to go back and do more. I was telling Dr. H. how I'd gotten stuck making a transition from into/thesis statement and preview into the real body of paper this afternoon. I didn't think what I was trying to say or do was all that complicated, but Dr. H. seemed to think that it was a bit complicated. Didn't say I needed to simplify that, but I did find that observation a bit surprising. I didn't quite see how the connection/transition I wanted to make was complicated. To me it just kind of made sense. Oh well.
Now that I've taken some time to think about this and record stuff before I forget, I guess I should go apply this advice.
progress... or lack thereof
I think I went to bed around 4am. Urg. Was up by 8:30, went downstairs to check on stray kitty 3 of us look out for. One of the 3 of us had to go out of town and left me a key so I could put kitty indoors on cold nights. A neighbor/friend was taken off guard finding me outside an apartment that's not mine with a key and in my sweats and flip-flops and bathrobe. What are you doing down here in your pajamas? Since there's no litterbox in the apartment (I will be changing that soon I think), I wanted to get down there as soon as I got up, but kitty apparently did not have to go... she didn't want to come out of apartment. Had to make another trip down later.
Took my med (we increased to 54 mg Concerta a week ago) at 9am.
Feeling pretty good right now. Have had something to eat too.
But... yep... I'm still stuck in Liturgy land. Have not managed to break out and make it over to ethics yet.
If I were to talk to Dr. H. right now (and I'm supposed to this afternoon) I believe I would be told that I've now overworked this... simplify. I know, I know. Does anyone else get sucked into reading about our services, how to perform them, the theology that is behind them and lived out when we worship? Oh... obviously, or I wouldn't have several books I've been able to reference. The key is that these have chapters on Baptism... I have to write a 5 page paper. Oh yeah. 5 pages. Not a thesis. Don't have to work out all my thoughts on worship and baptism in one evening.
I did find an answer (sort of) the the question of music. It's more of a non-answer. Apparently I'd found it before because it was highlighted in the front of my BCP pg 14. Anything in the services that say "said" it can be understood can also be sung, and vice-versa. Some rubrics indicate a preference for singing a particular part of the service, beyond that it is apparently up to personal/parish preference, pastoral concerns, and the musical ability of congregation, officiants, and musicians.
Doesn't help much with a make-believe congregation. So I guess I'll go with my personal preference - to sing, and assume that this is my "ideal" make-believe congregation that both likes to sing and has some people who can carry a tune to help lead the responses.
Took my med (we increased to 54 mg Concerta a week ago) at 9am.
Feeling pretty good right now. Have had something to eat too.
But... yep... I'm still stuck in Liturgy land. Have not managed to break out and make it over to ethics yet.
If I were to talk to Dr. H. right now (and I'm supposed to this afternoon) I believe I would be told that I've now overworked this... simplify. I know, I know. Does anyone else get sucked into reading about our services, how to perform them, the theology that is behind them and lived out when we worship? Oh... obviously, or I wouldn't have several books I've been able to reference. The key is that these have chapters on Baptism... I have to write a 5 page paper. Oh yeah. 5 pages. Not a thesis. Don't have to work out all my thoughts on worship and baptism in one evening.
I did find an answer (sort of) the the question of music. It's more of a non-answer. Apparently I'd found it before because it was highlighted in the front of my BCP pg 14. Anything in the services that say "said" it can be understood can also be sung, and vice-versa. Some rubrics indicate a preference for singing a particular part of the service, beyond that it is apparently up to personal/parish preference, pastoral concerns, and the musical ability of congregation, officiants, and musicians.
Doesn't help much with a make-believe congregation. So I guess I'll go with my personal preference - to sing, and assume that this is my "ideal" make-believe congregation that both likes to sing and has some people who can carry a tune to help lead the responses.
Liturgy Geek at 2am
Okay - I think I'm officially a Litugy Geek.
Who else would be awake around 2am figuring out how to chant the opening acclamation, versicles, and Thanksgiving over the Water for a Baptism? Me, that's who. All because of a stupid phrase on a Baptism planning sheet (my last 2 liturgy assignments involve Baptism) that asks if the whole service is going to be sung. If not, then at different points in the service is the continuing question (sung?). Well since I can sing okay and am comfortable with chanting and to me there's something about praying in chant that adds another layer (I often feel connected to God and the community through music), here I am trying to figure out what I will and won't chant.
My first inclination was to scale back because this is not about me... it's about the sacrament and about the person being baptized and about the gathered community and the whole church. However in "A Theology of Worship" Louis Weil makes a pretty convincing argument that music should not be reserved just for special occasions but that liturgy is inherantly musical, and so music should be a normal, integral part of worship. The other reasons given are the nonverbal emotional power of music because it engages another sense, and that singing invites us to encounter God with our whole body (rather than with just our minds), and singing together as a congregation can bring us together, building our sense of unity as the body of Christ.
So... hmmm. I admit that I'm probably more easily swayed because I like music and singing anyway. So anyway I was chanting it to see what such a service would sound like.
This summer when I was home I got the question from a parishioner/vestry member, "are you going to be a priest who sings?" My immediate response without even needing to stop and think about it was, "oh yeah." This was asked of me after I had the supply priest show me the Simple Tone chant in the altar book since it was slightly different from the Solemn Tone that we had learned in our music class.
God knew that music was a part of me when I was called, so it leaves me wondering here in the middle of the night if music/chant is a particular part of my ministry.
I know, I know. There are concerns such as: adding music makes the service run longer and many people want to be in and out of there in an hour or so, and that some people (especially nowadays with music/art programs being cut in schools) can't read music, and some people are kind of tone-deaf and get frustrated when they try to sing, and others may just not like music. So I'm not sure how to strike a balance. Does one need to strike a balance?
If we constantly shy away from music, will it eventually become extinct in our services (all except the "Doxology", Hymn 380, verse 3 - which people sing in a non-rubrical place as it is)? Already many parishes say the Sanctus, which is supposed to be a hymn of praise. According to our old liturgy prof ideally the Sanctus should always be sung, and only rarely said under special circumstances (i.e. no musicican and people who can carry enough of a tune to lead a simple version acappella).
Okay, enough music rambling for now. I don't think I'll figure this all out tonight.
Who else would be awake around 2am figuring out how to chant the opening acclamation, versicles, and Thanksgiving over the Water for a Baptism? Me, that's who. All because of a stupid phrase on a Baptism planning sheet (my last 2 liturgy assignments involve Baptism) that asks if the whole service is going to be sung. If not, then at different points in the service is the continuing question (sung?). Well since I can sing okay and am comfortable with chanting and to me there's something about praying in chant that adds another layer (I often feel connected to God and the community through music), here I am trying to figure out what I will and won't chant.
My first inclination was to scale back because this is not about me... it's about the sacrament and about the person being baptized and about the gathered community and the whole church. However in "A Theology of Worship" Louis Weil makes a pretty convincing argument that music should not be reserved just for special occasions but that liturgy is inherantly musical, and so music should be a normal, integral part of worship. The other reasons given are the nonverbal emotional power of music because it engages another sense, and that singing invites us to encounter God with our whole body (rather than with just our minds), and singing together as a congregation can bring us together, building our sense of unity as the body of Christ.
So... hmmm. I admit that I'm probably more easily swayed because I like music and singing anyway. So anyway I was chanting it to see what such a service would sound like.
This summer when I was home I got the question from a parishioner/vestry member, "are you going to be a priest who sings?" My immediate response without even needing to stop and think about it was, "oh yeah." This was asked of me after I had the supply priest show me the Simple Tone chant in the altar book since it was slightly different from the Solemn Tone that we had learned in our music class.
God knew that music was a part of me when I was called, so it leaves me wondering here in the middle of the night if music/chant is a particular part of my ministry.
I know, I know. There are concerns such as: adding music makes the service run longer and many people want to be in and out of there in an hour or so, and that some people (especially nowadays with music/art programs being cut in schools) can't read music, and some people are kind of tone-deaf and get frustrated when they try to sing, and others may just not like music. So I'm not sure how to strike a balance. Does one need to strike a balance?
If we constantly shy away from music, will it eventually become extinct in our services (all except the "Doxology", Hymn 380, verse 3 - which people sing in a non-rubrical place as it is)? Already many parishes say the Sanctus, which is supposed to be a hymn of praise. According to our old liturgy prof ideally the Sanctus should always be sung, and only rarely said under special circumstances (i.e. no musicican and people who can carry enough of a tune to lead a simple version acappella).
Okay, enough music rambling for now. I don't think I'll figure this all out tonight.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
procrastinating
Blah. I managed to change clothes but I haven't eaten and I haven't done much of any work either. Got sucked into the internet. Grumble.
On the other hand, it can be informative. Ran across some interesting blogs of other Christians, some seminarians and ordained people even.
One said to go do a google search with your name and needs in quotes (i.e. "bythesea needs") and see what pops up.
Some of the more interesting "needs" that popped up for my (real) name:
bythesea:
On the other hand, it can be informative. Ran across some interesting blogs of other Christians, some seminarians and ordained people even.
One said to go do a google search with your name and needs in quotes (i.e. "bythesea needs") and see what pops up.
Some of the more interesting "needs" that popped up for my (real) name:
bythesea:
- needs our help and support now more than ever. (Okay, sure - with end of semester and GOEs etc., I'll buy that.)
- NEEDS TO POST MORE!!!!! (Actually, considering the procrastination and the black-hole posting creates for me... no. I don't, and yet somehow I still do).
- needs sex but is too busy-minded to be aware of that fact. (Ummm...What????!!! ;) Actually this person is probably right, but considering that I'm unmarried and not seeing anyone, probably best to stay "busy-minded" for the time being.)
- needs to stay current on proper procedures, techniques and laws that relate to evidence. (Ma'm, we're going to need to bag and fingerprint that BCP, there are signs of some serious rubric breaking here, and we're going to need to test that alb for incense residue).
- needs to know what prizes we have... (Prizes? Sounds like some sort of social gathering, count me in).
- needs a lot of encouragement in order to remain goal oriented and to obtain the goals that she has set for herself. (Cough! Hack! Snort! Sputter! Can we just say my life for the last 7 months?)
- (and surprisingly from an ADD coach's website so this totally rings true along with some other things posted there) needs to let herself off the hook. If her house is fairly clean and organized, great. It doesn't need to be perfect, even if it seems that all her friends' houses are. ... a fabulous motto... Merely adequate is frequently sufficient. How true.
- needs to figure out what to target first (Clearly! See comments on 1, 6 & 7)
- needs to consider investing between $20000 to $30000 (Hahahahah! As if I will ever have that much money floating around to do anything with!)
- needs more information to do her job well (no no no no! That's part of my problem, not putting the brakes on looking for more info)
- needs hugs for all her dedication and hard work (Amen to that! But don't confuse this with #3, heh!)
- needs to be heard (Yep, always. I'm quite the conversationalist. Sometimes talking about something helps me think it through).
- needs to lose weight (Hey now! Oh wait... yeah, that's true, but I'm trying to work on it).
- needs a smack (Ouch! ... or maybe a kick in the rear to get me off here and back on track. Okay, Okay! Point taken. *grin*)
Sermon and misc.
I find it interesting that without having looked up today's readings before heading to church that I was relfecting on how I've tried to be faithful and obedient to God's call, and how I need to trust that God will sustain me in this ministry as I go forward, continuing to try and be faithful to this call.
The Gospel for today was from Luke - Mary is visited by the angel and told she will bear a child. Among some other things, the preacher reflected on how Mary said yes, how it began with a woman and with a man who were faithful and said yes, she reflected on her own ordination and being willing to say yes, I believe I am called, yes I want this, and I will with God's help. She reflected on obedience and being faithful, I believe using both those words, and that we need to listen for what God is saying to us and think about what our answer is. She reflected on what it means to conceive and carry within, and bear the Word.
Hmmm... I love it when God is at work with me, in my life or through my life, and I actually notice it. :) Gotta love those little "coincidences."
After church I took communion to a parishioner who's home recovering from surgery. Often my visits have just been visits, so I still feel a little awkward doing the little communion service because I don't have tons of practice yet, but it's getting easier. I also had my oil with me in case she'd like to be anointed. I offered it to her and she said that would be nice, so I did that. That I have done more often now, so I'm feeling more comfortable with that. On the way home stopped by the church to drop off the kit and enter the communion into the record book.
So, now I'm home. I'm going to change clothes, eat something for lunch, and then I will get to work on my assignments.
The Gospel for today was from Luke - Mary is visited by the angel and told she will bear a child. Among some other things, the preacher reflected on how Mary said yes, how it began with a woman and with a man who were faithful and said yes, she reflected on her own ordination and being willing to say yes, I believe I am called, yes I want this, and I will with God's help. She reflected on obedience and being faithful, I believe using both those words, and that we need to listen for what God is saying to us and think about what our answer is. She reflected on what it means to conceive and carry within, and bear the Word.
Hmmm... I love it when God is at work with me, in my life or through my life, and I actually notice it. :) Gotta love those little "coincidences."
After church I took communion to a parishioner who's home recovering from surgery. Often my visits have just been visits, so I still feel a little awkward doing the little communion service because I don't have tons of practice yet, but it's getting easier. I also had my oil with me in case she'd like to be anointed. I offered it to her and she said that would be nice, so I did that. That I have done more often now, so I'm feeling more comfortable with that. On the way home stopped by the church to drop off the kit and enter the communion into the record book.
So, now I'm home. I'm going to change clothes, eat something for lunch, and then I will get to work on my assignments.
Senior Evals
The faculty met to do Senior Evaluations this week.
I was feeling anxious because I'm all too aware of my various short-comings. I know I'm not expected to be a perfect human being, but I'd wanted to make even more progress on some stuff than I have so far.
So I sought out my advisor the next day, told him I was feeling anxious, could he share anything with me briefly - since we were on our way to Chapel. He said that I had nothing to be concerned about and that he actually wanted to get together with me so that he could share with me some of the positive things that were said. That would be good. Since I've been trying to change various things I've been spending more time thinking about the negatives, so it would be nice to hear some of the positives. I'm a pretty self-aware person, so I don't know if what was said will really take me by surprise, (who knows, maybe it will?) but in any event it would be good to have that affirmation.
Sometimes I get caught up in the details of living out this call from God (i.e. what I have to do for the seminary and for the Commission on Ministry and the Bishop, etc.) and lose sight of the fact that this was not my idea in the first place, that God called me for a reason. That I have been faithful in being obedient to that call. Now that we are nearing GOEs and our final semester and look toward future ministry I need to be reminded to trust in God. I am not supposed to be doing this on my own but with God's help.
I was feeling anxious because I'm all too aware of my various short-comings. I know I'm not expected to be a perfect human being, but I'd wanted to make even more progress on some stuff than I have so far.
So I sought out my advisor the next day, told him I was feeling anxious, could he share anything with me briefly - since we were on our way to Chapel. He said that I had nothing to be concerned about and that he actually wanted to get together with me so that he could share with me some of the positive things that were said. That would be good. Since I've been trying to change various things I've been spending more time thinking about the negatives, so it would be nice to hear some of the positives. I'm a pretty self-aware person, so I don't know if what was said will really take me by surprise, (who knows, maybe it will?) but in any event it would be good to have that affirmation.
Sometimes I get caught up in the details of living out this call from God (i.e. what I have to do for the seminary and for the Commission on Ministry and the Bishop, etc.) and lose sight of the fact that this was not my idea in the first place, that God called me for a reason. That I have been faithful in being obedient to that call. Now that we are nearing GOEs and our final semester and look toward future ministry I need to be reminded to trust in God. I am not supposed to be doing this on my own but with God's help.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
No Work on Assignments
Of course while I was doing all these entries today I was NOT working on my last 3 assignments. Erg.
Maybe I'll call my doctor. Dr. H. said to call if I got stuck. Clearly I've gotten stuck somehow... I'm not sure how I ended up so offtrack today.
Blah.
I'm not stressing, I'm just wondering how it is that it's almost 7pm and I've only eaten a bowl of cereal and a yogurt and I've been at my computer on the internet most of the day. Haven't even taken a shower. And I desperately need to do laundry before church tomorrow.
Maybe I should try to get myself back on track before calling Dr. H? I haven't really tried that hard today... I've just been coasting along in my own little no concept of time world.
Decisions, decisions.
Maybe I'll call my doctor. Dr. H. said to call if I got stuck. Clearly I've gotten stuck somehow... I'm not sure how I ended up so offtrack today.
Blah.
I'm not stressing, I'm just wondering how it is that it's almost 7pm and I've only eaten a bowl of cereal and a yogurt and I've been at my computer on the internet most of the day. Haven't even taken a shower. And I desperately need to do laundry before church tomorrow.
Maybe I should try to get myself back on track before calling Dr. H? I haven't really tried that hard today... I've just been coasting along in my own little no concept of time world.
Decisions, decisions.
The ADD Graduate Student
Anyone who is a graduate student/seminarian and living in a small apartment probably deals with time management and space issues. However, I have constantly struggled with these. It is especially bad at the end of the semester, or in the middle of working on big projects when I'm more likely to give priority to school and put off mundane/routine things like house chores.
Spring 2004 I first started suspecting ADD might be an explanation after overhearing a conversation between two people with ADD that hit close to home. Fall 2004 I did some reading and research and still struggled. April 2005 when I was struggling to complete assignments I went to see a specialist who I've been working with since. I can't change overnight, but pursuing this has been helpful. Now I understand more about what's going on with me, ways that I work, and have some strategies to get things done, instead of ending up frustrated and stressed out. Don't get me wrong, I still wrestle with things and occasionally am stressed or anxious, but not like last year. Definite progress.
To better understand my world, see other entries/photos posted today.
Some Books on ADD:
"Driven to Distraction" by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey
"You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
"Women With Attention Deficit Disorder" by Sari Solden
"Attention Deficit Disorder: The unfocused mind in children and adults" by Thomas E. Brown
Some Websites on ADD:
http://www.addresources.org/newsletter_sample.php#journey
http://www.addresources.org/article_adults.php
http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about
http://www.drthomasebrown.com/brown_model/index.html
http://www.hallowellwest.com/wst_page6.html
http://www.addvance.com/
http://www.chadd.org/fs/fs10.htm
http://www.chadd.org/
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/89/100391.htm?z=1623_00000_0000_rl_01
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/89/100385
Spring 2004 I first started suspecting ADD might be an explanation after overhearing a conversation between two people with ADD that hit close to home. Fall 2004 I did some reading and research and still struggled. April 2005 when I was struggling to complete assignments I went to see a specialist who I've been working with since. I can't change overnight, but pursuing this has been helpful. Now I understand more about what's going on with me, ways that I work, and have some strategies to get things done, instead of ending up frustrated and stressed out. Don't get me wrong, I still wrestle with things and occasionally am stressed or anxious, but not like last year. Definite progress.
To better understand my world, see other entries/photos posted today.
Some Books on ADD:
"Driven to Distraction" by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey
"You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
"Women With Attention Deficit Disorder" by Sari Solden
"Attention Deficit Disorder: The unfocused mind in children and adults" by Thomas E. Brown
Some Websites on ADD:
http://www.addresources.org/newsletter_sample.php#journey
http://www.addresources.org/article_adults.php
http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about
http://www.drthomasebrown.com/brown_model/index.html
http://www.hallowellwest.com/wst_page6.html
http://www.addvance.com/
http://www.chadd.org/fs/fs10.htm
http://www.chadd.org/
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/89/100391.htm?z=1623_00000_0000_rl_01
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/89/100385
Evolving Coffee Table (photos)
During the semester it seems that my coffee table is a hub of activity, and a pit-stop for the things I'm working on. My books and folders for the semester tend to live mostly in my backpack, on my desk or on the coffee table. They get shuffled around depending on what classes I have that day or what assignment I'm working on.
Occasionally current books/folders will go on the bookshelf if I'm not using them much or need room. Books and folders from past or current semesters may find themselves in a stack on the floor, desk, or coffee table, especially if they are being used for a particular project.
(March 2005 table)
(September 2005 table)
(October 2005 table)
(December 2005 table)
(September 2005 stack)
(October 2005 - stack)
Occasionally current books/folders will go on the bookshelf if I'm not using them much or need room. Books and folders from past or current semesters may find themselves in a stack on the floor, desk, or coffee table, especially if they are being used for a particular project.
(March 2005 table)
(September 2005 table)
(October 2005 table)
(December 2005 table)
(September 2005 stack)
(October 2005 - stack)
Last Projects of Semester (photos)
Working on last 3 assignments of the semester. Due Monday.
At left: Desk, folder, assignment and stack of books. Boxes of stationary and craft stuff I dug out to write thank-you notes next to the desk with a few more books I was using on top. In the foreground another book and highlighter on top of a chest. You might also notice kitty-cat ears, from a curious cat.
Closer view of desk/books (below)
At left: Desk, folder, assignment and stack of books. Boxes of stationary and craft stuff I dug out to write thank-you notes next to the desk with a few more books I was using on top. In the foreground another book and highlighter on top of a chest. You might also notice kitty-cat ears, from a curious cat.Closer view of desk/books (below)
Kitchen Table-Junk Mail Monster (photos)
I also battle the kitchen table junk-mail monster. The ongoing evolution of stuff on my kitchen table. Believe it or not, I have cleaned off the table some in between these photos, but this monster just keeps coming back to visit.
March 31, 2005 - junk mail and service bulletins
March 31, 2005 - junk mail and service bulletins
September 17, 2005 - Junk mail, DSL modem, calendar, keys, wallet, new parish directory, some real mail.
October 17, 2005 - Junk mail, service bulletins, vitamins, umbrella, mini-backpack
December 16, 2005 - In additon to junk mail, keys and wallet have also added recycling, my iron, a half-sink dish drainer, and a communion kit (little black case).
Put off Chores-End of Semester (photos)
It's the end of the semester. Household chores that have been put off:
Dishes in the Sink
Stack of Laundry, starting to run out of clothes, eek! Notice how expertly it has been stacked on top of the already full laundry hamper. This semester I have tended to do laundry when: a) both my clergy shirts were dirty or b) when I was running out of underwear. I will need to do several loads over the break to catch up.
Dishes in the Sink
Stack of Laundry, starting to run out of clothes, eek! Notice how expertly it has been stacked on top of the already full laundry hamper. This semester I have tended to do laundry when: a) both my clergy shirts were dirty or b) when I was running out of underwear. I will need to do several loads over the break to catch up.
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