Transition continued - being appreciated

So here I am at the very beginning of figuring out what it might mean to be the Rector (the priest in charge) in this place... how can I best serve God and these people?

They have been absolutely great, by the way. They've been helpful, and encouraging and willing to try some new things. For instance, on Pentecost I had them singing in 3 other languages besides English and using marraccas with the song from Zimbabwe, and they seemed to like it and find it festive! I was so proud of them, and happy I could give them a different worship experience that they felt was appropriate to the occasion. It was great to look out on them in all their red. :) Our average Sunday attendance has been 45, but last week we had 53, praise God! I hope some of our visitors return.

I had my first vestry meeting this week. It seemed to go well. It seems that both they and myself are still feeling like there is a definite fit between the parish and myself, what they seem to want and need and what I have interests in and can do... so that's affirming. The only thing I worry about is the nature of the positive comments I've been getting. You're just what we need, it's like a breath of fresh air, we've been waiting a long time for you, thank you so much for coming here, we're so glad you're here, etc. You know folks, I'm not Jesus, I'm not perfect. I think they know that, but if they put me up on some kind of a pedestal I'm worried that I have nowhere to go but to fall off of it.

On the other hand, I was saying to a friend this week that it sure is nice to be appreciated. Even though it's an awful lot to be trying to absorb and adjust to and it's been work the last 5 weeks, for the most part it has also been a joy and fun. Which speaks to me of Buechner's quote "where your deep gladness meets the needs of the world."

In my previous parish, the parishioners were very encouraging and supportive and I received positive feedback from them on my sermons and my pastoral care and other ministry among them. Since moving here I've had some folks there tell me that they miss having me there.

The problem was my working relationship with the Rector. Things were not awful, they were okay, they could have been worse, but they also could have been better. I felt I didn't get some of the mentoring I had hoped for. Part of this is that Rector had never had an Assistant before and I think wasn't really sure how to have one, how to let go of some things, and also that Rector operated out of both what things were like for him as an Assistant and also what he thought he would have needed, or what *he* thought I needed (rather than asking me what would be most helpful). We also have different personalities and different styles of doing things. Had we communicated better we could have been a good balance. He doesn't plan much and just kind of jumps in to try something, but often is winging it and doing things last minute. Where I might not be the best at planning way ahead of time, I like to research things and think them through and have kind of a thought out plan for what we're doing and why. So I can be a little more cautious, and can sometimes see many positives and/or negatives and thus have a hard time making a decision and just going with something. But I think ultimately I do get there. Just maybe not as quickly as he would have liked. Also... ummm hello?! I was in my first year as a priest... a lot to learn and absorb and process, and it takes time just to get to know the parish.

So, in my previous parish I didn't meet with the Rector on a regular basis one-on-one as ideally you should when you're an Assistant. I rarely got positive feedback or comments from him. I often got criticism about the length of my sermons "try to keep it to 10 minutes or less" he'd say. Often I'm more like 15 or as long as 17, but never over 20 minutes to my knowledge. At seminary the guide was to try not to go over 20 minutes and to strive for the 10 to 15 minute range. The thing was is that I often heard people who felt they couldn't follow his sermons, and some days I felt like that too... like they kind of rambled and meandered because he preached with just a brief outline/notes. He was very personable and charismatic which made it easier to listen to, but doesn't help a whole lot if content is somewhat lacking. On the other hand I would get positive comments from people about things they connected to in my sermons. I have some anxiety over preaching, so it was confusing to be getting these mixed messages. I didn't know what to think. So I tried to take his constructive comments with a grain of salt.

It seemed sometimes that he felt that my preaching style, my preaching voice, my liturgical presence, my way of providing pastoral care, etc. had to be like his in order to be good or valid... rather than letting me find my own voice, my own style, figure out how my own personality fits into this vocation. Just because you like to do a drive-by type pastoral visit, doesn't mean that I can't sit with someone at the hospital while someone's in surgery if I feel that's important and an appropriate use of my time.

I will say, however, that when I was preaching only about 1 Sunday per month and someone else to help do the ministry in the parish I had more time to work on and figure out my sermons. Since I got here and get a taste of what it's like to be in his shoes, I have not had a full text written out yet. I had been moving away from having full texts anyway over the last year and preaching of of extended outlines. But there was one Sunday here where I barely had an outline at all, and since I didn't have my computer hooked up at home it was handwritten at that. But... apparently it was thought out enough and communicated clearly enough that my parishioners could follow it and got something out of it. I praise God for helping me and for the Holy Spirit's inspiration each week.

So all that history to say that in my old parish I often felt like I was walking a bit on eggshells, and felt like there was this vibe of disapproval, like I could be doing something different or something better or doing something more than I was... but without anything said on the topic. It was just my intuition. Only 2 days after my last day at the parish did Rector make known that there seemed to be a growing dependence on alcohol and before it might get worse was going into treatment to address it. I don't know any of the details at this point about how much, how often, or when. I had no idea that this was something at play in our interactions and in the life of the parish. So it's something I've been sitting with. Praying for Rector and spouse and the parish. Impressed by the self-awareness and modeling and transparency exhibited. But also found myself thinking... oh, okay... if this was something that influenced our working relationship without my knowledge, then no wonder, and I don't think I could have done much else to improve communication given those circumstances. Maybe I could have, but it's hard to know, and now I have experience and hindsight to take with me into future ministry that I didn't have as I started as a wet behind the ears newbie.

I had months of feeling like my supervisor wasn't completely happy with what I was doing and how, of the stress of it, of the negative self-talk generated by the situation, (Rector seemed to want me to take initiative on the one hand, but on the other I felt I didn't really have the freedom or permission to do things) so feeling a bit stifled like I couldn't really spread my wings or best exercise my gifts etc. After all that stuff I was wrestling with and carrying around, being here has been like a breath of fresh air for me too. It's so nice to feel like I can relax and be myself. Sure I don't want to piss people off and I need to tread a bit lightly as I learn, but it's not the same feeling of being on eggshells as I felt before. It's refreshing that I can preach how I feel the Spirit is leading me to. That I can adapt the service liturgically for various occasions and not have to check to see if the other person is okay with that. To feel that my personality and style and gifts are acknowledged and desired and appreciated, it's a good feeling.

I hope as I go forward in my ministry here that they continue to value my gifts and my approach and I hope that I continue to appreciate them as a parish and also as individuals with the gifts they offer as well. I pray that we would be able to listen for God's guidance on how best to combine our many gifts and efforts to minister in this place and in the world.