A Suicide in the Parish

It has been a rough week.

Tuesday one of my parishioners committed suicide. We had a suicide at my last parish not too long before I left, but the Rector had been more involved in handling that. Also the circumstances were different. It was an elderly man, who's family lived out of town. He had received a cancer diagnosis. I was told that for ex-military men who kind of want to be in control of things, and who don't want to draw out the pain and suffering of a battle with cancer, that choosing to end their life is not an uncommon thing. Still sad and a tragedy. I wished that he would have not reacted so quickly, that he would have talked to someone or something, he was such a dear man, I missed seeing him in the front pew at our early service.

This situation is different. What I write here is nothing that the wife hasn't said to others this week. These things weren't asked to be kept in confidence. I feel it's okay as I process these events to share some of these known details here.

This is a 62 year old man with a beautiful wife, daughter, siblings, and many friends. He did not receive any kind of scary diagnosis, but like T did, L chose to end his life with one of his guns on Tuesday. This does not seem to be a long-term depression, but something more recent, and more a reaction to some recent financial difficulties. His wife said he had felt very ashamed and like a failure that the businesses weren't doing better. Apparently they had met with a lawyer in the last week, who told them that they weren't close to needing to file bankruptcy. They have their own business, and business had been a bit slow in the spring. Had picked up in the summer, but recently had slowed back down, barely doing more than paying for itself at this point.

I had a parishioner come into the office on Tuesday and tell me that one of our 94 year olds hadn't looked well on Sunday. I called to check up on him, and also called his niece. I called my Senior Warden to let him know what had transpired in the phone call with the niece, but he wasn't home yet. I ended up talking to his wife a little bit about the elderly parishioner who is becoming more frail (and still driving!).

As we were ending the conversation she said, you know who I'm worried about is "L". Really? She said that the wife had mentioned to them that he'd been a little down the last couple weeks. He'd been on her mind since. We both agreed that when that happens that there tends to be a reason for it. I realized that I hadn't seen them in about 2 weeks myself - but it's not uncommon for me not to see them for a week or 2, and many of my parishioners travel. I had been about to leave and go home for the day, but decided to call and check on them first.

Wife answers and I say it's me. She asks, "Is L with you?" No I said. She makes a comment that it's strange I would happen to call now. She said she was really worried about him, afraid something might have happened to him. Then call waiting clicked in and she said she had to go, could she call me back. Sure I said. As I hung up the phone I was worried. I didn't know if it was the kind of situation that was about to unfold, or if there was something else going on, but I thought if I was worried about my spouse I wouldn't want to be alone. So I looked up their address and drove over.

When I got there I discovered that he had failed to go to a checkup type doctors appointment that afternoon and that had originally alerted the wife that something might not be right. Then she found some notes he had written in a tablet. So when I arrived she had about 4 or 5 friends with her, the police had been called and they were out trying to locate him by trying to find the car. The car was equipped with On-Star.

I tried to be hopeful, despite the fact that the notes had me very concerned and somewhat prepared for the news. Since nobody new what time he might have left the house, and they thought all the firearms were in the house and no medicine seemed to be missing, I hoped that he might drive around and have second thoughts. Or that he wouldn't be quick about it and he might be found and talked out of harming himself. I prayed a lot, tried to be a calm presence, but it was difficult. The waiting was excruciating. At some point we knew they had found the car and beyond that we knew nothing. More waiting.

Then the patrol officers came. I could tell by their body language that they did not have good news for us. They asked us to go into the house. Poor wife, her face fell and you saw the realization hit, this is not going to be good news. She was so broken-hearted and distraught. I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do but sit by her, hold her hand, hug her when she needed it, etc. The first police officers couldn't tell us much except that he had been found and was deceased. Then began the waiting for the detective, who could tell us more once the investigating he needed to do was done. He did say that it had been a gun, he asked to see the notes and asked a few questions about the events of the day.

I felt bad for all the police officers, you could tell how much they hated having to break this kind of news. I asked when I was alone with them if they have any kind of chaplain available to them after they deal with something like this. Then just more crying, processing, and phone calls to be made to family members.

I was able to get ahold of a couple friends to have praying and also my bishop who called back and had some good advice given the situation.

So it has been a long week as the family has gathered, and plans have been made. Today I will officiate the service. This will be my first funeral in this new parish. It will be my first funeral completely on my own as a priest - except for the graveside service a funeral home had asked me to conduct in my previous location. And it will be only the 2nd I have preached as the rector or other clergy who knew the families tended to preach the ones in our last parish. This situation is so different from the 90-something year old who died from a medical cause after a long life, that there's not much in that previous sermon that I can use or adapt, and the readings are different.

So my prayer this day is that the service will be what it needs to be for family and friends who gather to remember and mourn for L. That the Spirit will give me the words that people need to hear at this time. I have a little anxiety too, because there are bound to be a lot of people there, and for lack of better words, I want to do a "good job" for L and for his family and friends. I want to be the pastoral presence that people need at this time. I feel so blessed to have been supported by kind words, advice and prayers from colleagues and friends.

Well, now that I've gotten some of this out, maybe I can focus on piecing the sermon together from the notes I've been writing the last several days and be able to get out of my own way enough to let God in and to do the ministry I was called to do in this place.