New Blog New Name? Pondering names & identity

I'm still considering ways to get back to journaling as a way of processing, reflecting, and just venting. It's been quite the week. Early on there was stuff to reflect on and I kept meaning to post to do it, but didn't. Then in the last several days there's stuff to both vent and process.

Part of me thinks that while this blog is in effect, anonymous, there are certain aspects to it that might make me not as anonymous as one might hope. I realize that there is always the chance of being "found out" somehow and it's a risk one takes if they post things publicly. There's a thought... my old original online diary had privacy settings where certain posts could only be viewed by certain approved friends/readers, and others you could post as strictly private, for your eyes only. I haven't explored if Blogger has any options like that.

So, one option would be to start another blog under a new posting name and title. The only thing is if one does that, how do you let people (other revgals for instance) who you want to know that you are really the same person that they've known in the past, know that you've adopted a new name (hey... it's really me, bythesea, but now I'm going by this new name), without also having it appear in a place or in such a way that would perhaps clue in those might have been able to figure out your RL identity from the original blog, to just shuttle over to this new place and see what you're now posting over there. I have another alias that I've been using in SecondLife and some who are regulars to the online Bible Study or who I've interacted with would know me by that name. I thought about using that for a new blog username, but again... there are some out there who know that alias and also know who it connects to in RL. So if someone stumbled across preacher party posts or blog posts by that name those people would know it was me. I don't know if this line of thinking and wondering would make any sense to anyone but me.

It's funny to think about the whole naming thing and identity piece in a week where we have the readings from OT and Gospel that talk about naming and identity, and what it means (identity) to be a disciple and follower of God.

It's interesting how we get attached to names, nicknames, and identities, even in this cyberspace. I remember once agonizing over what email to use as an alias mailer, I wanted something easy for me to remember, but also something that had some kind of connection or meaning, not just some random set of letters and numbers... like abc123. But you know... if you started emailing or blogging using even that, somehow that would become a new identity for you. People would come to recongize you as that abc123 person.

So I found myself earlier in the week holding off on posting while I pondered if I wanted a new blog and if so what kind of a name and title would I use. Would I stick with blogger, or go with something else? Would I let others know that this was someone they'd had some interactions with in the past, or would I just let them get to know me by the new name? It's possible that even with the new name and not making the change explicit to others, those who have a sense for my personality (such as others who post to the 11th hour preacher party over at revgals) might eventually see some similarity or make the connection.

Because while it's true that there is something to be said for names, and the fact that names, identities, roles etc. do influence us, on the otherhand there is the saying "a rose by any other name..." No matter what I "call" myself, or what things that particular name might bring to the foreground, the truth is that there are certain things about me that are just me. Whether you look at me in my role/ministry as priest, or as a sister, or friend, or daughter, or neighbor, or aunt, there are certain things about my personality, my experiences, my values that are constant and some things that in their particular combinations are unique to me.

Oooh, now here's a thought... I have an old online chat username that I used to go by when I was in grad school in the mid to late 90s. So there are some friends who know me by that name and by a shortened version of that name. The thought occurred to me just now that this name is one that could perhaps be resurrected and reused. While there are still some who might know that name, there are not many, and so in a way, while a bit of a nickname, it is "old", it is in the past. Have you ever tried to take back on something from the past? While there are still parts of me that are me and haven't changed from when I was using that name with folks... there are things that are different. I was living in a different place, and was pursuing a particular course of study, and dating a particular person... all of which have changed and are part of my past. So there's something about the idea of taking back up that name that feels uncomfortable, wrong. The sense is... nahhhh, I've moved forward, that's not "me" anymore.

I wonder if that's what God is saying in the renaming of Abram and Sarai this week, there are still parts of you that are you so I'm not going to radically change your names, but yet that's not you anymore. You now have a new direction, a new future, and there's going to be enough of a shift, there is something special and unique to this covenant and your relationship with me and what it means, that it needs recognition. Perhaps taking on the new name helps to move forward into that future, and helps leave other things in the past with that old self and old name.

I had another experience this week with the "identity" thing. I did actually get a new car. My old car I had had for a very long time. I actually got it back when I had that nickname I considered picking back up that feels like it belongs to the past. I bought this car the last week a boyfriend of 7 years and myself spent together as a couple, by the end of his visit to come see me where I was attending grad school, we had decided to break up. I had that car when I started dating my ex-fiance and when we broke up. I had it when I got my cats. I have taken road trips and moved to different states in that car. I made it through seminary in that car. There is a lot of history and identity connected to that car that wouldn't have been there had I only had it for a year or two.

So while I'm excited about actual safety features that the new car has that the old one didn't, and it drives real nice, I notice an interesting transition taking place. When I was leaving the car lot I had to leave my old car there and make plans to come get in in a couple days (still deciding if I will sell it or donate it or what). I realized that I'd left the cell phone charger in my old car, so drove the new car back to where it was parked to get it. There sat my old car looking all sad and lonely. And my bright new shiny car running with it's lights on ready to drive away. I felt like a bit of a traitor to the old car. I see it sitting where it's parked this week as I drive around in the new car and part of me is drawn to it and the comfortableness and history tied up in it. But part of me knows that it was time. It was starting to get old enough that it would probably become less reliable and need increasing repairs. Living in a place that gets snow where folks drive big SUVs and Trucks I also realized that my car didn't have airbags or other more current technology to help in case of a crash, and if anyone were to hit me I'd be toast.

I live in a new place, and have a new ministry and new needs that I didn't have when I bought the old car. The new car is more suited to my life as it is now than the old car was. But even though it is more suited, and even though it has the snazzy-ness of being all new and sparkley, and even though in many ways it's easier to drive and has a few more conveniences (for instance an actual cup-holder *gasp*!), it still takes some getting used to. I'm getting used to the different color, to the different shape and size that affects parking, different places things are located on the dash, etc. I even just put gas in it for the first time last night.

It was interesting when I picked up my old car on Monday what it felt like to drive it. I thought it'd be hard to drive after driving the new one for a couple days. Especially because the old car is a stick, and the new one is automatic. But it was interesting how comfortable it was to just slide into it, like an old pair of jeans or comfy shoes you've worn forever. But also ones that are starting to get holes and get worn in ways that tell you it's time to start considering a new pair. So there was a comfortableness to being in the old car and driving it, a familiarity, an attachment. But yet I could also feel within myself that I was starting to move forward. Old car doesn't have power steering (none of my cars ever has), I noticed steering it was different, and I did miss the cupholder, and the ease of mind that comes from knowing there are airbags. So there is a process of letting go, of saying goodbye, of moving on from the old car, what my life was like while I drove it. And a process of accepting the new car, getting to know one another, appreciating how it fits my life as it is now, and a sense of excitement about what the future will be.