Parish Stuff & Drizzly Day

I'm doing my best to type this while my boy kitty is doing his best to get as close to being in my lap as he can while I have a laptop in it. Heh!

I fell asleep on the couch last night and as tends to happen when I do that, it not being the most ideal sleeping situation, I woke up very early and felt "awake." And couldn't get back to sleep. Which was when I wrote the first post today on names and identity.

It's gray and raining and drizzly out. Has been all morning. The day is zipping, by. I can't believe that it's 2pm already and I will also lose an hour between now and morning when we change the clocks. So, not the best sleep and the gray day are affecting my mood. I sure wish the sun we had the last couple days would come back, but that seems unlikely for today.

I thought about perhaps posting an email that was sent to myself and vestry on Thursday from the same patriarch who was not happy I had chosen to print +Gene Robinson's inaugral prayer. Then I also thought about posting an email to my bishop that I sent asking for advice. For now I've decided against both. I'm wondering if there is a way to summarize. Hmmm.

Okay, near the end/beginning of the year my Sr. Warden suggested considering some kind of parish survey. My concern was that this would be seen not so much as a what are some things we could do at "St. Parish", but that people would view it as a work-related performance evaluation of my position as Rector so far. There are systems set in place to do a type of evaluation, the most common of late being a Mutual Ministry Review where the parish looks at itself, and the vestry and rector look at themselves and have discussions. If it was a review of me they wanted, I wanted us to use the appropriate tool. If it was a what do we want to see happen at "St. Parish" then I wondered if a multiple choice and fill in the blank questionnaire would really get at what we want to get at and be as helpful in the end as it seems it might be on the surface. I ran it past my clergy egroup. They said surveys don't work, except if there are very specific things you want to know (Chicken or Fish for dinner). It was suggested that conversation groups would be more effective while also building and strengthening relationships.

I ran it past my bishop. His feeling was that it was premature to do an evaluation... he said there's not much yet to evaluate. He also said that a survey was not a good idea and suggested conversation groups. So I took that all back to my vestry. Since then we have had 2 busy months of Annual Meeting, Parochial Report, planning and running the Vestry Retreat, and preparing for the bishop to visit last week to receive some of our folks into the church. We've only had 1 meeting so far since Vestry retreat, and at that we went over the parish's goals, tried to update them and modify any we felt needed a little tweaking and think about where we might go from here on them. What might be first steps. Our next meeting is this coming week.

Thursday I get an email to myself and vestry from Patriarch. Patriarch is well aware of national church issues and also of diocesan matters and finances. I don't dislike Patriarch per se, I respect him and think he is intelligent and has some thoughts that need to be considered. On the other hand we are 2 different personalities with different approaches, and it goes without saying that Patriarch is old enough to be my father, and I could still be considered somewhat new in my priesthood (at what point can you consider yourself experienced? After a full Lectionary Cycle??? *grin*), and have not been a rector until now.

The vestry & search committee were aware of some of this inexperience when we discussed my accepting the position. The main tone I got back is, we're aware of it and willing to be patient and give you space to learn and grow, but we like that you're not bringing with you 20 years of doing the same thing the same way. They thought some of the willingness to be open to and try new things since I had no set way of doing them, was going to be an asset as they try to reach out to others and grow. I also was up front with the search committee and bishop about my ADD. I didn't over-emphasize it (we all have weaknesses, I just happen to know where some of mine are coming from), but I said this is one of my challenges, I've learned about it, I have some things in place to help mitigate for it, here's some of the ways it tends to show up for me, and right now I do take medication although my doctor had thought at some point once the initial learning curve and some structures are in place, I might not see a need for it and could go off it.

So that's the situation as it stood when this email from Patriarch arrives. Patriarch is not on our Vestry at the moment, and it seems like maybe he's more used to being in the know than he currently is. We are trying to be good at communicating things to the parish but since a lot of things are in process or are only being discussed there hasn't seemed as much to report.

Patriarch's email in effect expresses concern over the finances of the parish and the ability of the diocese to help if it comes down to needing help in the future, and with the current market may not have the option to sell the rectory (which is currently rented to a family). So expresses a sense of urgency around trying to turn things around and also be up front with parish about where we stand financially. And also if they don't have the funds in several years what will they do if they can't keep me on?

Patriarch (being either somewhat or completely unaware of the previous conversations around surveys and evaluation) throws out there the observation that we are approaching the end of my first year with them and we should consider some kind of evaluation (by the couple things he says it sounds along the lines of a MMR). And then set goals and expectations and work with me on how I spend my time.

Patriarch seems overly concerned with my time since I was open in a sermon a little over a month ago about the fact that I had been putting in more hours and not being the best at self care as I could be. The point of the sermon, stemming from the text where in the midst of his ministry Jesus goes off by himself to pray, and then having done that returns to his ministry. I said that my guess was that if getting sucked into some overwork and not being as intentional about rest or prayer time was happening to me then it was probably happening to them too and talked a little about our need to go off and pray, our need to give Jesus our hand and let him minister to us and heal and strengthen us so then like Peter's mother we are in a better place to use our gifts to serve others.

Rather than hearing that general message Patriarch seems to have focused on my time management. And yes, given both my personality of being more a "P" than a "J" on the myers-briggs and the ADD thing, I am aware that time management and scheduling are not the things I am best at.

My main concern is that while trying to be realistic about our situation, I don't think it does anyone any good to be anticipating our death-knell as a parish. I'm generally an optimistic person, so I have been trying to operate from a place of abundance and encouragement. Now patriarch, unanticipated and without warning throws this bomb at my vestry. With the possibility of his pessimism and anxiety to be contagious. So I felt like I needed to try and mitigate for that a bit. Also since I am my own worse critic and also because it helps me to have a big-picture idea and a calendar to reference, I went through and updated my entire calendar and listed days for when we need to start planning for or thinking about upcoming events or seasons. This will be helpful as we look at our goals and start looking at what else we want to do that's not scheduled, and try to figure out where to best fit them. Will also give people an idea of what's coming up that maybe they can be offering to help with or help follow up on. I also included in the cover letter some of the things that are in the works already, or that are being discussed that don't fit as well on a calendar, and at the back of the calendar, a list of some of the events or opportunities that have been discussed that we can consider in the future.

After that initial concern about creating urgency, pessimism and fear, and also the annoyance at his having re-opened the "evaluation" can of worms that had been put on hold for a bit. Then came my reaction to feeling criticized (even though he says that he's not intending to do that.) I see him looking at me with a certain look sometimes that reads like a teacher or parent who is a bit disapproving of what you're doing. I know I've got my own baggage around feeling inexperienced, and being very critical of myself, but I can't believe that I'm imagining it all either. Aware of that I tried to not be angry. I haven't responded to the email itself yet as both my Senior & Junior Wardens have already done so, since I was waiting to hear back from the bishop. Frankly I wasn't exactly sure what to say, and I didn't want to come off as feeling defensive. I think including him in on the email to the vestry and staff with the current calendar was a bit of my response (unsaid), which was: you want to know what's going on and you think there are some things we need to work on... here is what is going on and here are things we are working on.

Sr. Warden says to try and take it with a grain of salt and not let it get to me. My Sr. Warden is happy with the work we've been doing and the direction we're heading, so it's nice to have that support, encouragement, and affirmation. Still, as much as I tried not to let it get to me, in moments I can feel this indignant rant inside. "So... you think I'm just sitting on my a** eating bon-bons all the time and not doing what you called me to do? Well, let me just show you how many hours I've put in lately that I've actually thought to keep track of. Let me list off for you all the different things that have been demanding a piece of my attention, and then on top of that planning worship and preaching every week."

Because of some (not immediately apparent but only coming to light in recent months) lack of skill level in some things computer-format-related, the responsibility for the newsletter has fallen on me in recent months. We have a plan and volunteers in place to hand this off, but for this month it's me, and it's not done yet. I may spend some time on it later to try and have something for them when they arrive tomorrow, but I'll have to see how the afternoon & evening go. This week I was doing some final Lenten worship planning and working on coming up with a better format for the bulletin. I formatted inserts for us to chant the Great Litany, and I worked on reimbursement for some of my expenses the last couple months (need what little I can get back to help with that new car payment). I forget what else was taking some of my time. So Wednesday night at our lenten program Patriarch's wife who is also very active in the parish asks when the deadline is for the next newsletter and then tosses out as an aside, "and are we going to get this months?"

Grrr. Well, let me see... I was going to work on it over the weekend last weekend, but I decided to bake fresh bread for all of you for communion since the bishop prefers fresh bread. And then I realized that our biggest piece of news... his visit was that day and it seemed a little silly not to have that in there! But if you are so concerned about getting the dang newsletter on exactly the 1st of the month, you're more than welcome to put it together. *sigh* Oh yeah, and after you complaining about it Wednesday night, I might have actually had it done Thursday or Friday had your husband not decided to create extra work for me... yeah thanks! At least I will have my new group of volunteers to help with our next one.

No, I didn't say that. I did mention that I realized when thinking of having it out last Sunday that I'd like to wait for photos of the bishop being with us. I understand some people who are more "J" are more schedule oriented, and ideally a newsletter should come a day or two before the first or as close to or on the first as possible. But really... what's the point if having a newsletter without news?

So the last couple days has been me trying to balance my tendency to be self-critical and somewhat perfectionistic on things I work on (comes partly from high intelligence, partly from that bumping up against my learning style & ADD, and partly from my Family of Origin) with the knowledge that I have done a lot, and have been instrumental in the parish doing certain things, and being able to be satisfied with that and try not to feel too resentful.

Because I have felt a little resentful. I've been trying hard to work better on balance and self-care and actually take a real sabbath day/day off when I'm supposed to, and it looked like I might actually accomplish that this week having made it through a couple months of big, time-consuming, new things all in quick succession. I also joined a gym this week. I planned to go. The weather was nice, Thursday and promised to be on Friday. I was really looking forward to Friday.

Then I let myself get sucked into responding to Patriarch's email because I kind of wanted to head things off before maybe they could stew or react too much. It was my choice to work on the calendar and the email. I didn't have to. I could have waited until Monday. I didn't. Maybe next time I will, because while it was my choice, I kind of feel like he stole my day off out from under me. Don't send out something like that on a Thursday afternoon for heaven's sake. Sheesh.

So having missed my day off and still having to figure out exactly what the main theme and main points of my sermon are so I've been working today too, I'm grumpy at not getting a day off and at having to spend extra energy on something like this. Again, I know not getting the best sleep and the gray day are also contributing, but that's not all of it.

I don't know what else to say. That's where I'm at. It is, what it is (to quote Stephan from Top Chef *grin*), so I have to just move forward from here.

Phew long post for something I originally planned to summarize. Guess despite the phone call with my friend G earlier I still had to vent and process.