Transition and Learning

Transition. Really, aren't our whole lives one big long series of transtions? But I have had a lot of them recently, and major changes (positive and negative) are supposed to be stressful according to the life-events stress scale.

Life Events Stress Scale
Life Events Stressors
Wikipedia on Life Events Scale

I have finishing a degree, being separated from classmates/friends I was with for 3 years, the ending of a routine and living environment I was used to for 3 years, move to a new city and new apartment (also some new purchases for new apartment), and a new ministry (aka job) in a new parish, and getting used to what it is to do full-time ministry instead of being a student and trying to fit ministry around classes and papers.

Everything I'm doing right now I'm doing pretty much for the first time. It's my first time going through the church year as an ordained person, first time doing the church year in this parish. The first time I've organized this or taught that or participated in this or that. It feels like a lot of inventing or re-inventing of the wheel. There are a lot of hospitals here, so each time I even go to visit a parishioner I have to figure out where this particular hospital is located and how to get there.

It's hard to explain but it can take a lot of energy, more than I'd anticipated or been prepared for. It's not bad, and I don't regret it. This is what I've been working toward and training for for a long time, but it's not a cake walk. I've been told that after you make it through both your first year and the church year that things get a little easier. I have to admit that that was welcome news.

So I think I have been learning the last 3 months. It's definitely a relief to be remembering more parishioner's names and recognizing them. Our parish retreat helped a lot with that because I saw people for a longer period of time. It's disturbing to me when other people know my name and I can't remember theirs, but there are a lot of new people and new faces. People have said I'm doing a good job in this area, but of course I tend to beat myself up about it. For instance I was at a School Board Christmas party last night. I recognized a couple women when I came in, they recognized me, introduced me to their spouses, and I'm trying to remember their names, I know I see them often. Turns out at least one is a teacher at the school. Only pieced it together when she mentioned that in the morning we hadn't had anyone to help with music and so we were trying to come up with some songs to sing acapella and spur of the moment. But I still couldn't remember her name. *sigh* I'll need to get a pictorial directory of the school if they have one, that would help.

Preaching 3 out of 4 weeks in November I think was a good learning experience. I left the "safety" of the pulpit for the first time and preached from the floor off an outline two weeks in a row. Woo Hoo. On the one hand I was proud of myself for getting out there and taking the risk. On the other hand it kind of evolved out of necessity.

The first sermon I was wrestling with and ended up spending a lot of time on housework that Saturday, cutting into sermon writing time. I felt like I knew the material and in order to create a full text would probably have to pull an all-nighter which I really didn't want to do again (having done that on one of my previous sermons and wanting to break the pattern). So I made the executive decision to get at least a few hours of sleep and come up with an outline. Once I had the outline I realized that that gave me the opportunity to preach from the floor if I wanted to try it. I decided to go ahead and do it.

The next week a similar thing happened. Except I wrestled with the text so much that even when I left for the parish I didn't have a clear outline in my head although I could feel it in there and it felt like it was jelling. I sat there in the sacristy with a pen and paper and created my outline, finished the outline about a minute before we processed out to the altar to begin the service. It preached okay and I didn't change much for the 2nd service, except to quickly type it up so I could read it easier. But I much prefer having the full text or at least a solid outline before bedtime on Saturday. Definitely less stressful and anxiety producing.

Dr. H. also reminded me recently that when I get anxious I tend to over-prepare, over research as a way of trying to reduce anxiety (part of my problem with this confirmation class I think, I'm in info overload).

I had an older parishioner come up to me after I preached last week and she said she could hear me better this time. She seemed to think I'd been working on my diction more or something. She was trying to pay me a compliment. But I was thinking, I wasn't aware of doing anything different this time (except maybe my microphone placement was a bit different?). I hadn't been working on diction. Of course that raised the question inside... should I be working on it? But I also remember our preaching prof or some other prof saying that at some point you will have people saying something like "you're getting better" and that you haven't necessarily gotten better or are doing anything different, but that they've gotten to know you and you've earned their trust. So I'm not sure what was going on regarding this interchange.

We've had several deaths and burial services in the last month or so, that's been a learning experience. One of them I anointed and we did the prayers for a person near death (basically what used to be considered last rites). The two parishioners related to him have been very appreciative of my being with them at that time.

I had to come up with what was basically a first communion class, some instruction on communion for younger children. Both figuring out what to tell them and show them and then actually doing it was a learning experience. Fidgety kids around 5pm - Heh! Definitely tries your patience. After our 2nd (last) class one parent was there for the end of it and said as they were leaving, "Reverend *name*, you sure are patient." It was funny to hear that because while I was trying to be patient and not let them get to me (wanted this to be a positive experience for them), I wasn't feeling especially patient by the end.

There are days when I get impatient with myself (like this week when I kept having a mental block where this youth confirmation class is concerned) and feeling like I should be doing more or be more up to speed by now, especially when I have a few classmates who are already priests and in charge of parishes. But then I try to remember that I tend to have high self expectations and so I probably have naive or unrealistic expectations.

One day at our staff Eucharist I was leading the Liturgy of the Word and noted that that was the most comfortable I had felt leading that (I'd done it a few times before). So that let me know that some learning or growth or comfort or whatever was occurring. So that's a good thing.