New Blog New Name? Pondering names & identity

I'm still considering ways to get back to journaling as a way of processing, reflecting, and just venting. It's been quite the week. Early on there was stuff to reflect on and I kept meaning to post to do it, but didn't. Then in the last several days there's stuff to both vent and process.

Part of me thinks that while this blog is in effect, anonymous, there are certain aspects to it that might make me not as anonymous as one might hope. I realize that there is always the chance of being "found out" somehow and it's a risk one takes if they post things publicly. There's a thought... my old original online diary had privacy settings where certain posts could only be viewed by certain approved friends/readers, and others you could post as strictly private, for your eyes only. I haven't explored if Blogger has any options like that.

So, one option would be to start another blog under a new posting name and title. The only thing is if one does that, how do you let people (other revgals for instance) who you want to know that you are really the same person that they've known in the past, know that you've adopted a new name (hey... it's really me, bythesea, but now I'm going by this new name), without also having it appear in a place or in such a way that would perhaps clue in those might have been able to figure out your RL identity from the original blog, to just shuttle over to this new place and see what you're now posting over there. I have another alias that I've been using in SecondLife and some who are regulars to the online Bible Study or who I've interacted with would know me by that name. I thought about using that for a new blog username, but again... there are some out there who know that alias and also know who it connects to in RL. So if someone stumbled across preacher party posts or blog posts by that name those people would know it was me. I don't know if this line of thinking and wondering would make any sense to anyone but me.

It's funny to think about the whole naming thing and identity piece in a week where we have the readings from OT and Gospel that talk about naming and identity, and what it means (identity) to be a disciple and follower of God.

It's interesting how we get attached to names, nicknames, and identities, even in this cyberspace. I remember once agonizing over what email to use as an alias mailer, I wanted something easy for me to remember, but also something that had some kind of connection or meaning, not just some random set of letters and numbers... like abc123. But you know... if you started emailing or blogging using even that, somehow that would become a new identity for you. People would come to recongize you as that abc123 person.

So I found myself earlier in the week holding off on posting while I pondered if I wanted a new blog and if so what kind of a name and title would I use. Would I stick with blogger, or go with something else? Would I let others know that this was someone they'd had some interactions with in the past, or would I just let them get to know me by the new name? It's possible that even with the new name and not making the change explicit to others, those who have a sense for my personality (such as others who post to the 11th hour preacher party over at revgals) might eventually see some similarity or make the connection.

Because while it's true that there is something to be said for names, and the fact that names, identities, roles etc. do influence us, on the otherhand there is the saying "a rose by any other name..." No matter what I "call" myself, or what things that particular name might bring to the foreground, the truth is that there are certain things about me that are just me. Whether you look at me in my role/ministry as priest, or as a sister, or friend, or daughter, or neighbor, or aunt, there are certain things about my personality, my experiences, my values that are constant and some things that in their particular combinations are unique to me.

Oooh, now here's a thought... I have an old online chat username that I used to go by when I was in grad school in the mid to late 90s. So there are some friends who know me by that name and by a shortened version of that name. The thought occurred to me just now that this name is one that could perhaps be resurrected and reused. While there are still some who might know that name, there are not many, and so in a way, while a bit of a nickname, it is "old", it is in the past. Have you ever tried to take back on something from the past? While there are still parts of me that are me and haven't changed from when I was using that name with folks... there are things that are different. I was living in a different place, and was pursuing a particular course of study, and dating a particular person... all of which have changed and are part of my past. So there's something about the idea of taking back up that name that feels uncomfortable, wrong. The sense is... nahhhh, I've moved forward, that's not "me" anymore.

I wonder if that's what God is saying in the renaming of Abram and Sarai this week, there are still parts of you that are you so I'm not going to radically change your names, but yet that's not you anymore. You now have a new direction, a new future, and there's going to be enough of a shift, there is something special and unique to this covenant and your relationship with me and what it means, that it needs recognition. Perhaps taking on the new name helps to move forward into that future, and helps leave other things in the past with that old self and old name.

I had another experience this week with the "identity" thing. I did actually get a new car. My old car I had had for a very long time. I actually got it back when I had that nickname I considered picking back up that feels like it belongs to the past. I bought this car the last week a boyfriend of 7 years and myself spent together as a couple, by the end of his visit to come see me where I was attending grad school, we had decided to break up. I had that car when I started dating my ex-fiance and when we broke up. I had it when I got my cats. I have taken road trips and moved to different states in that car. I made it through seminary in that car. There is a lot of history and identity connected to that car that wouldn't have been there had I only had it for a year or two.

So while I'm excited about actual safety features that the new car has that the old one didn't, and it drives real nice, I notice an interesting transition taking place. When I was leaving the car lot I had to leave my old car there and make plans to come get in in a couple days (still deciding if I will sell it or donate it or what). I realized that I'd left the cell phone charger in my old car, so drove the new car back to where it was parked to get it. There sat my old car looking all sad and lonely. And my bright new shiny car running with it's lights on ready to drive away. I felt like a bit of a traitor to the old car. I see it sitting where it's parked this week as I drive around in the new car and part of me is drawn to it and the comfortableness and history tied up in it. But part of me knows that it was time. It was starting to get old enough that it would probably become less reliable and need increasing repairs. Living in a place that gets snow where folks drive big SUVs and Trucks I also realized that my car didn't have airbags or other more current technology to help in case of a crash, and if anyone were to hit me I'd be toast.

I live in a new place, and have a new ministry and new needs that I didn't have when I bought the old car. The new car is more suited to my life as it is now than the old car was. But even though it is more suited, and even though it has the snazzy-ness of being all new and sparkley, and even though in many ways it's easier to drive and has a few more conveniences (for instance an actual cup-holder *gasp*!), it still takes some getting used to. I'm getting used to the different color, to the different shape and size that affects parking, different places things are located on the dash, etc. I even just put gas in it for the first time last night.

It was interesting when I picked up my old car on Monday what it felt like to drive it. I thought it'd be hard to drive after driving the new one for a couple days. Especially because the old car is a stick, and the new one is automatic. But it was interesting how comfortable it was to just slide into it, like an old pair of jeans or comfy shoes you've worn forever. But also ones that are starting to get holes and get worn in ways that tell you it's time to start considering a new pair. So there was a comfortableness to being in the old car and driving it, a familiarity, an attachment. But yet I could also feel within myself that I was starting to move forward. Old car doesn't have power steering (none of my cars ever has), I noticed steering it was different, and I did miss the cupholder, and the ease of mind that comes from knowing there are airbags. So there is a process of letting go, of saying goodbye, of moving on from the old car, what my life was like while I drove it. And a process of accepting the new car, getting to know one another, appreciating how it fits my life as it is now, and a sense of excitement about what the future will be.

approved for financing - eeeek

Got a phone call from one of the car folks this morning. Just to check things out we put in a preliminary credit application. Apparently I'm approved and they think I'll get pretty premium rates. Salesman said that he's never seen this particular car sell this low. I tend to believe him based on what I was seeing online last night after I got home. So I could get a really good deal on a car that I really like.

Breathe in, breathe out...

Could I be driving a new car by the end of the day???

Quick update/recap of last several months

Okay, I've gotten away from journaling/blogging and I'm realizing that that has been a really helpful thing in the past, so we'll see if I can be more intentional about it in the near future. At least in writing if I don't feel anonymous and/or safe enough to do it online.

In a nutshell:
Things are going pretty well at the parish, but have been busy.

A few snags:
upset a patriarch by printing (with a lead-in article to explain why) Bishop Gene Robinson's prayer for President Obama during inaugural events.

Hit a bit of a wall after working too many hours, too regularly, for too great a period of time. Taking some steps around that to be better in the future, hope to write more on that.

Highlights - what I've been up to October to now:
I've made it through Advent, Christmas, Stewardship, Annual Report & Annual Meeting, a 2nd funeral, my first Vestry Retreat (run by me that is, have attended others), Parochial Report (it has been filed online and a hard copy is at the diocese - woo hoo! They are due by March 1st/2nd), and my First Ash Wednesday on my own (this week). Getting ready for a bishop's visit. Took a several days of vacation time and just rested up in Mid-February.

Had my birthday nothing like something to remind you that you're getting older and are still single.

Health issues:
I was having some chest pressure. Had an ultrasound type thing (echo?), that was neat watching my heart beat live, and also a treadmill test. Good news is that heart is strong and there don't appear to be any blockages. Cholesterol is actually lower than what it's been in the past, which surprised me. But it could be better, and to help with that and keep things good with the heart the cardiologist said to exercise. So, I'm trying to decide if I'm going to join a local gym. A friend of mine just told me about Hoop Dancing. She thought I might like it because we were on drill team together in High School and twirled short-flags, some of the hula hoop dance stuff reminded her of our flag routines. Hmmmm... there may be a hula hoop or my own set of flags to play with in my future (always wanted my own pair, the ones we used in high school belonged to the school).

Also the perineal abscess continues to be a bit of a recurring problem. Blah. Went to see a specialist, he said to come back if/when the wound opens back up so he can see what's happening. Problem, it did open up but not only was it a busy week, it was also ahem my "girl time" and I really didn't want someone poking around in the lower region, plus what would he really be able to see? So I wait. Hopefully we can get this thing ultimately resolved if it continues like this. It'd be nice if it resolved on its own, but something tells me that's less likely.

One of the most recent things:
My poor car is pretty old. Is paid off, runs relatively well, but has a lot of miles, is old enough that it doesn't have safety features like air bags etc. I now live where there is winter and people in big SUVs to crash into me. So I've been doing research (yep... me and my info gathering skills combined with ADD hyperfocus) on new cars and have driven a couple this week. So far I like the Hyundai Accent and Hyundai Elantra Touring, the Honda Fit, and the Toyota Prius. I'm nervous about the financial commitment of getting a new car, but it seems to be about time. I will plan to keep this one for a while (hence the researching the heck out of it... you know gotta make the "right" choice), and it would be kind of nice to know I've got some of those safety features. So we'll see. I may actually have a car before the end of the weekend. Apparently the end of the month is the time to buy. So if I don't get one today, I should wait until the end of March or end of April if I'm going to get one in the near future.

A Suicide in the Parish

It has been a rough week.

Tuesday one of my parishioners committed suicide. We had a suicide at my last parish not too long before I left, but the Rector had been more involved in handling that. Also the circumstances were different. It was an elderly man, who's family lived out of town. He had received a cancer diagnosis. I was told that for ex-military men who kind of want to be in control of things, and who don't want to draw out the pain and suffering of a battle with cancer, that choosing to end their life is not an uncommon thing. Still sad and a tragedy. I wished that he would have not reacted so quickly, that he would have talked to someone or something, he was such a dear man, I missed seeing him in the front pew at our early service.

This situation is different. What I write here is nothing that the wife hasn't said to others this week. These things weren't asked to be kept in confidence. I feel it's okay as I process these events to share some of these known details here.

This is a 62 year old man with a beautiful wife, daughter, siblings, and many friends. He did not receive any kind of scary diagnosis, but like T did, L chose to end his life with one of his guns on Tuesday. This does not seem to be a long-term depression, but something more recent, and more a reaction to some recent financial difficulties. His wife said he had felt very ashamed and like a failure that the businesses weren't doing better. Apparently they had met with a lawyer in the last week, who told them that they weren't close to needing to file bankruptcy. They have their own business, and business had been a bit slow in the spring. Had picked up in the summer, but recently had slowed back down, barely doing more than paying for itself at this point.

I had a parishioner come into the office on Tuesday and tell me that one of our 94 year olds hadn't looked well on Sunday. I called to check up on him, and also called his niece. I called my Senior Warden to let him know what had transpired in the phone call with the niece, but he wasn't home yet. I ended up talking to his wife a little bit about the elderly parishioner who is becoming more frail (and still driving!).

As we were ending the conversation she said, you know who I'm worried about is "L". Really? She said that the wife had mentioned to them that he'd been a little down the last couple weeks. He'd been on her mind since. We both agreed that when that happens that there tends to be a reason for it. I realized that I hadn't seen them in about 2 weeks myself - but it's not uncommon for me not to see them for a week or 2, and many of my parishioners travel. I had been about to leave and go home for the day, but decided to call and check on them first.

Wife answers and I say it's me. She asks, "Is L with you?" No I said. She makes a comment that it's strange I would happen to call now. She said she was really worried about him, afraid something might have happened to him. Then call waiting clicked in and she said she had to go, could she call me back. Sure I said. As I hung up the phone I was worried. I didn't know if it was the kind of situation that was about to unfold, or if there was something else going on, but I thought if I was worried about my spouse I wouldn't want to be alone. So I looked up their address and drove over.

When I got there I discovered that he had failed to go to a checkup type doctors appointment that afternoon and that had originally alerted the wife that something might not be right. Then she found some notes he had written in a tablet. So when I arrived she had about 4 or 5 friends with her, the police had been called and they were out trying to locate him by trying to find the car. The car was equipped with On-Star.

I tried to be hopeful, despite the fact that the notes had me very concerned and somewhat prepared for the news. Since nobody new what time he might have left the house, and they thought all the firearms were in the house and no medicine seemed to be missing, I hoped that he might drive around and have second thoughts. Or that he wouldn't be quick about it and he might be found and talked out of harming himself. I prayed a lot, tried to be a calm presence, but it was difficult. The waiting was excruciating. At some point we knew they had found the car and beyond that we knew nothing. More waiting.

Then the patrol officers came. I could tell by their body language that they did not have good news for us. They asked us to go into the house. Poor wife, her face fell and you saw the realization hit, this is not going to be good news. She was so broken-hearted and distraught. I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do but sit by her, hold her hand, hug her when she needed it, etc. The first police officers couldn't tell us much except that he had been found and was deceased. Then began the waiting for the detective, who could tell us more once the investigating he needed to do was done. He did say that it had been a gun, he asked to see the notes and asked a few questions about the events of the day.

I felt bad for all the police officers, you could tell how much they hated having to break this kind of news. I asked when I was alone with them if they have any kind of chaplain available to them after they deal with something like this. Then just more crying, processing, and phone calls to be made to family members.

I was able to get ahold of a couple friends to have praying and also my bishop who called back and had some good advice given the situation.

So it has been a long week as the family has gathered, and plans have been made. Today I will officiate the service. This will be my first funeral in this new parish. It will be my first funeral completely on my own as a priest - except for the graveside service a funeral home had asked me to conduct in my previous location. And it will be only the 2nd I have preached as the rector or other clergy who knew the families tended to preach the ones in our last parish. This situation is so different from the 90-something year old who died from a medical cause after a long life, that there's not much in that previous sermon that I can use or adapt, and the readings are different.

So my prayer this day is that the service will be what it needs to be for family and friends who gather to remember and mourn for L. That the Spirit will give me the words that people need to hear at this time. I have a little anxiety too, because there are bound to be a lot of people there, and for lack of better words, I want to do a "good job" for L and for his family and friends. I want to be the pastoral presence that people need at this time. I feel so blessed to have been supported by kind words, advice and prayers from colleagues and friends.

Well, now that I've gotten some of this out, maybe I can focus on piecing the sermon together from the notes I've been writing the last several days and be able to get out of my own way enough to let God in and to do the ministry I was called to do in this place.

A painful week :P

I know that I'm not mourning the loss of loved ones during 9/11 events and I'm not having to evacuate and possibly return to loss/damaged home and belongings ravaged by hurricane winds and rain, but my week has not been a fun one.

Sunday I noticed a swelling in a place there shouldn't be. By Monday this hadn't changed at all and perhaps seemed worse, so I ended up in the ER. Doctor there says she thinks it's a Bartholin Cyst (a blockage/infection/abcess of the Bartholin's gland), but that the time isn't right to drain it. Follow up with your doctor within a few days. Put me on antibiotics, painkillers, and said to use warm compresses. I never even knew this gland existed and have never heard of this condition, but apparently it's something women get on occasion and nobody really knows what causes the blockage or how to prevent it from happening. This gland, by the way is in our private area, so the result is tenderness, pain, and problems sitting and walking (depending on how bad it gets).

There were times the pain was so uncomfortable I was on the verge of tears, but other times when the painkillers were working or I was sitting just right that it was relatively okay. Needless to say the pain, discomfort, and trying to take care of it and get better kept me from getting much of any work done all week. I couldn't get in to see anyone on Wednesday but got an appointment on Thursday to follow up with my doctor. She took a look at it and decided it wasn't something she wanted to handle in the office and sent me back to the ER *grumble*. I guess I don't blame her, the thing was approaching golf-ball size. So back to the ER I went. After 6 hours of mostly waiting around (did have a TV so watched some things on the Food Network to keep myself occupied), and some treatment (finally!), I finally had some relief and seemed to be on the mend.

Friday had an follow-up appointment and this doctor wanted to see me again this coming Monday. The only small glitch is the packing that was supposed to stay in the wound until Monday has decided to come out. I'm so sick of doctors and have already been in the ER twice this week that I'm not sure what to do. I may just place a phonecall to one of the doctors and ask them what they recommend I do. From what I read on the internet to recover completely can take up to about 4 weeks and I may need to get a little catheter put into the gland that would be removed after several weeks.

In the meantime I remain on the mend with my antibiotics, painkillers if I need them, my sitzbath tub, couchsurfing, and of course a blanket and my 2 kitties to keep me company.

I've definitely had better weeks, that's for sure. But I am thankful for the caring people that helped get me to and from the doctor when I don't have family nearby to help.

Death of Seminary Classmate

My seminary classmates and I find ourselves grieving the death of one of our own. It's been almost 2 weeks now. A week ago Monday I got the call. Actually the call came from a mentor/friend (K) who still works from the seminary and thought I should hear it from a person.

We had known "B" was sick, that he'd had a major surgery. That had been shared via email and egroup. We were getting updates from family and friends who had been to visit him. I sent a card to say that he was in my thoughts and prayers. This was a serious thing, the recovery was so new that it was hard to know how full of a recovery he might make, although there was cause for hope (I guess always room for hope). Because of the baby steps he was making and other reports, it had sounded to me like B was out of immediate danger. So when I got the news that he had arrested, been unable to be resuscitated, and died, it game as a bit of a shock.

I found the next day that I had this heaviness on me, like a thick blanket I was wearing and lugging around with me everywhere, or a little dark cloud overhead. My word for it was being in a bit of a funk. That was Tuesday. The next day, that Wednesday, was a little better, but still felt out of sorts, like a bit of an energy drain on me. In the midst of all this on Monday night, Tuesday, and Wednesday there were phone conversations and emails etc. with other classmates to share information, to touch base on how we were feeling, to let us know the details of the services that were being planned. Most of us live too far to make the service.

At first I was a little baffled and surprised at how the death was affecting me. I mean within my class off the top of my head I can't think of someone who would probably be more of a polar opposite from me. Oh wait, maybe I just did. But still, we were very different people and we were not all that close. There is a small group within my class that I was much closer to and who I still remain in pretty regular contact with via phone and email. If one of those people were to suffer the same circumstances as B, it would hit me very hard.

So I started to wonder was I being a hypocrite? Was I feeling bad because I thought I was supposed to feel bad? What was going on? But then as I spoke to a few others it helped to know that we were experiencing some similar things around this death. And then I gave it more thought and it started to make sense.

It's hard to explain to others the unique way in which a seminary class can be bonded. Thinking of recent readings from Romans about Christian Community, a seminary class is a Christian Community, with it's various members, it's various gifts, it's various flaws that we all bring to it. You become, in a sense, like family, or like people who have "endured" or "experienced" something together, like people that were in the Peace Corps together, there are things that you understand, that you "get" without having to explain. There are inside jokes, fun times, and struggles that you have had in the midst of one another. You have endured boring times, Ember Day Letters, Commissions on Ministry, group projects, and other things together. You spend 3 years together, joined at the hip much like an elementary school class. You take almost every class together (except the occasional elective, and even then classmates may be in there), day in and day out, every day, all day for 3 years. You worship together every day, you eat together a good 4 times per week. You are part of each others learning, part of each other's formation. So, it makes sense that there would be grief. Sure, we all are resurrection people with hope and trust in God. But that doesn't mean that we don't feel the absence of one of our number, of part of the family.

I have heard some news about what B had been up to recently. I think I also grieve for the fact that I didn't get to encounter this version of B, who had apparently finally wrestled with some demons and sounds like he was much happier for it. I will miss his passion, his boldness, and maybe most of all, his sense of humor. I loved hearing that he had planned out his own service, there's someone after my own liturgy geek heart, and maybe we weren't as different as it had seemed on the surface. *grin*

This week was better. I still thought of B, and had some conversation with another classmate who is still processing. But it wasn't as distracting, as much as a preoccupation or energy drain as the first week (no this week had it's own challenges). But it was still there. I think the dynamics in our class will never be the same. The shock of losing B in the here and now will wear off some, but I think just as a family moves forward after a death and yet is never the same, I think our seminary class will likely be like that. I pray that it is some time before we experience this kind of grief and loss again. And B, I pray for you that ultimate peace, healing, and joy that can only come from being in God's presence. Amen.

Been a while! Thank God for Mentors

Wow, I realized when I went to post my website as I left a comment on a blog just how long it's been since I blogged.

I don't know why I haven't, much has been happening, much to process, really I should be blogging about some of this stuff. I don't know why I don't. Maybe it's a fear of being found out. Of putting my struggles and ramblings out there and that at some point someone will run across it and I won't be so anonymous or private.

I think part of it also is time. I have not been making time for journaling. I did journal about our trip some while I was in Europe, but I haven't even really been journaling much in my written journal lately. As I get ready to teach a class on spiritual disciplines, things that help keep us centered and grounded as well as connected to God, I'm mindful that I have been neglecting one of the things that has been beneficial to me.

I mean I journaled during my return to church, I journaled and blogged during my discernment, journaled and blogged during seminary, journaled, but didn't blog as much during my first placement, and then seem to be falling into that pattern here. Yes, I need to think about what it is that's holding me back.

In the meantime I will say I had a great trip in Europe, I was very glad to be at my friend's wedding. I hope to post some photos. I had a great visit with my family when they came out about a month ago, except I was fighting a cold/allergies most of the time. And while things are still going mostly well at the parish, I've also faced some new challenges that have affected me and sent me seeking my mentors. Can I just say, praise God for mentors?! It's so great to be able to talk to someone who really gets it from the inside and who has likely been through the same thing.

I think I'll end this here, and perhaps write a new post on a different topic.

Sermon & Trip Details

I loved the revgal post today for the preacher party and I enjoyed the George Carlin piece. I always really liked him and was bummed to hear of his death. I don't know if I will work him into the sermon at all, but I think that he asks the questions that a lot of us have, and if we aren't asking, maybe we should be.

Today is crazy. I have to juggle: sermon, newsletter article, dishes, packing, and a 3-hour round-trip drive to pick up my nephew from the airport, because we leave for Europe in 24 hours!

I also find myself wrestling with this sermon in a different way. I'm not going to force my nephew to come to church, but he may choose to come and he is an 18-year-old who falls somewhere between atheist and agnostic. If he's there, how I treat these difficult texts could potentially give him food for thought.

I always am hopeful that I'm giving people food for thought, ways to reflect on the text or how the text might relate to their lives and our lives as a Christian Community. But this is a little different, this is much closer to home and personal.

I've got a pet sitter. I've got work clothes in the dryer. I've got things to pack assembled (now they need to make their way into the suitcase). I tried to get some sleep last night and I want to get some sleep tonight. So that means following what Dr. H. had used to talk about and what my sister reminded me of in an earlier email: what is "good enough"? Sure, it'd be ideal to have my boxes all unpacked and things neat and tidy when I leave and to return to. But what is good enough?

It's good enough to: Be packed, to not have dirty dishes smelling up the sink for 11 days while I'm gone, to have a sermon to preach, and to have a newsletter article so the newsletter can be printed. And we need to figure out where nephew will sleep tonight. Oh yeah, and my sister wants me to fill out a healthcare directive thingy )just in case) if at all possible. Anything else that gets done besides that is just extra. My sister's thought was that sleep even ranked over working more on a sermon or article than is needed - basically get something coherent together and run with it.

So... that's the plan. I need to leave in the next hour for the airport drive. We'll see how well the plan works. :)

It's planned! Less than 2 days and counting

Well I pulled another all-nighter last night trying to get all the details of the trip figured out. Blah! The good news is that I finally have it about as well planned as it can be now with hotel reservations etc. Whether all goes according to plan or we decide to make a change part-way in, who knows. But for now there is a plan. My sister is no longer asking me for details and it feels good to have a structure and schedule to try and frame things. Hopefully now I can relax and enjoy the trip after putting so much time and energy into it.

I tell you what, it has taken so much mental energy trying to figure out the inns and outs and trying to figure out what I want to do, and how much you can fit in and how to try and get from point A to point B, that right now I feel like it's going to take at least one other trip to Europe to make it all worth it. But after the actual trip I will probably feel it was worth the time and energy.

My friend "M" who is getting married, and that is the catalyst for making this trip, was saying yesterday that now through him I will have a connection to France/Europe. So that might make taking another trip easier if I have his in-laws as a contact. He also asked me to do a "big favor." They need an English-speaker to help "MC"/make announcements at the reception etc. Orfinally they had someone who spoke both French and English who was going to do it, but she can't come. So I said sure. I'm honored that he asked. I was thinking that I've never done anything like that before, and it may seem a little awkward. But then I realized that as the priest I'm kind of the MC for our services... keeping us on track and letting folks know where we are and what's happening next etc.

Anyway, I have less than 48 hours until I leave for the airport. I did take a nap for about 2-3 hours a while ago and I'm feeling better. I still need to pack, and clean up my house that looks like a pit, and finish figuring out my sermon, and write a newsletter article, and other misc. odds and ends. But I plan to not stay up late a 3rd night in a row. Tonight I have got to get some sleep, even if I get up early. I can't end up in Paris and be trying to wander and train hop around Europe all sick and feeling like something the cat dragged in.

So I'd better run and get to some of it. The problem is there's so much to do I feel a little overwhelmed and I don't know where to start. I've thought of calling someone to come help, but problems with that are: 1) I'd be embarassed for someone to see what things look like right now, and 2) I'm not sure what someone else could do right now. I think there are certain things I need to get done or get started, or think through what actually needs to be done before trying to get someone else to help. If it was a big pile of laundry I could suck up the fact that I let it get away from me and ask for help, but since I'm still somewhat in boxes, a lot of it has to do with getting things organized or out of the way, and I kind of need to know where things are.

Okay, really going to run for now!

Europe - I'm Freakin Out

Okay - about 4 or 5 days until I leave for Europe and I'm freaking out!

I still have decisions to make about when we will be where and consider making hotel reservations for those places. I'm trying to figure out the Eurail pass and the fact that you need to make reservations to use the dang thing. What good is a pass that can take you anywhere on any train if you first have to make sure you have a reservation (paid for in addition to the pass) to get on the train? It makes no sense to me. Apparently on a lot of the non-high speed trains you don't need a reservation. High speed gets you there quicker there and gives you more sight-seeing time. *sigh*

So I'm kind of a stress ball.

On top of it trying to figure out a sermon and do things around the parish, and my house is a complete pit/disaster zone right now. I need to clean, do laundry, and pack. Oh yeah, and figure out who is taking care of the fur-balls while I'm gone (that's one of the hard parts about leaving, worrying about them - I'm pretty attached to them after 12 years).

My sister who is a scientist is pressuring me for trip details (since I'm taking my nephew with me), she's such the planner. Me with my social science background, my ENFP personality and ADD, I am a little more go with the flow. But also have been getting into that place where I am hyper-focused and information-gathering. I seem to need to understand the whole to understand the parts, so in planning something like this I end up knowing much more than I probably needed as I try to figure out what countries/cities to visit and how the trains works and etc. The result is that right now I'm in information overload. :P

And that makes me want to shut down. Take a break. Chill. I did a bit of that last night. But I can't do that too much. Too much to do.

I've got French and German lessons downloaded to my Ipod, so have been trying to multi-task and listen to those some.

At least the Eurail passes arrived, and my new carry-on convertible suitcase/backpack thingy arrived from Rick Steve's, as well as a couple other things I purchased. My extra camera battery and memory cards should arrive today from Amazon.

Last week I tried to call who I think might be distant relatives in Germany. I discovered it's hard to contact people in Germany when you don't know German! (Hence the German language ipod thing) Two people hung up on me, wouldn't even give me a chance after I asked if they spoke English and they said no. A third actually hung up on me too, but by then I'd gone on Babel Fish and tried to translate something that would make sense into German. I know I butchered it horribly, but I think I was able to convey the basic idea of why I was calling. It sounded from her tone of voice that I might be right, there could be a connection. The problem was that I couldn't understand what she was trying to say back. Once we get there, maybe I can find a hotel clerk or something who is willing to play translator for me. It'd be a shame to come that far and not try to meet.

My sister wrote and said, you're going to be close to Spain for the wedding, maybe you should do Spain instead of Germany, going to some small town and where neither of you know the language. Well Germany is closer to Paris and I think will be more beautiful than Barcelona. I don't see a good reason to go over to Spain, other than (and I was tempted) to get another country stamped in my passport and be able to say I've been there. We could maybe take a day trip over there just before or after the wedding. But if push comes to shove, I still want to go see some things in Germany, like the town my ancestor lived in, the Rhine and some of the castles, and Dachau Concentration Camp over Spain. It's just trying to figure out the route that has me all tangled up. Go across into Italy and then north, or go at a diagonal through Switzerland. The problem is I'd like to both see Italy and see the Alps.

Decisions, Decisions. Well, I need to run!

"Mission Impossible"

I'm still grinning about the fact that I hummed the theme for "Mission Impossible" at the beginning and near the end of my sermon this morning. :)

I knew I was going to use the "Mission Impossible" idea as a jump off point, but the idea to actually sing the tune didn't occur to me until this morning. I didn't know if I could get through it without cracking up, but I did.

dum dum dah dah, dum dum dah dah, dum dum dah dah, dum dum dah dah,
deedlie dee,
deedlie dee,
deedlie dee... da dum.

:)

I got the idea about Mission Impossible from the Lectionary Homiletics publication. Someone there was talking about how the mission to go cure people and cast out demons may seem impossible. Then they went a different direction with it than I did, going off to talk about the language that we use to describe what we're called to.

I used it as a jump off point to talk about the mission of the the church. The mission the disciples were called to, and how we're called to the same mission of both proclaiming the good news that the kingdom of heaven has come near and being a healing and reconciling presence in the world, and what that might look like here as we try to live into it. I closed by saying that our mission is not impossible because with God all things are possible.

I preached, as I often do nowadays, off of an extended outline. I may try to fill in the blanks of what I did from memory and post it at some point. We'll see.

I don't know where these ideas come from to talk about things like playing Hide & Seek/Sardines in a Can, to use magnetic hematite stones, to use the story about a lady in starbucks, and today to use the story of the two golfing buddies (the one who always invites his neighbor to golf and the other who always declines but never invites his neighbor to church), to talk about the "will you go to heaven, 2 question test reveals answer" booth I saw at a carnival and the fact that people were going up to the booth so there are people out there who are spiritually seeking, and then to hum the tune to Mission Impossible.



I may have written about this before, but I'm of two minds when these ideas occur: this will be fun, hopefully it will be engaging and people will connect to it, or... Ohhhhh, they're going to think I've lost my mind and will it only make sense to me? Fortunately, so far they seem to be engaged by some of the things I've talked about and done. Phew!!

After the stress and anxiety I go through wrestling with a text to figure out where to go with it... it's a relief to know that God's got my back and the Holy Spirit seems to be showing up, especially when I'm new to preaching every week. So I just keep plugging along and doing my best to listen and to be faithful and show up.

Also everyone seemed to like the liturgy we did with our high school graduate and the giving of the walking stick. It seemed to have the tone I was hoping to set with it, so I was pleased with how it turned out and will plan to do that again next year.

Sermon blank & Father's Day

Trying to plan this trip has taken so much time and mental energy this week that I'm kind of blank when it comes to tomorrow's sermon. I have to clear my mind and let go of the trip temporarily while I figure something out for my sermon. I can do more trip planning tomorrow and this coming week.

Tomorrow we will we will do a special liturgy for our High School graduate. I heard about a custom of giving them a walking stick from someone. I liked the imagery of journey that it evokes so we have a very nice walking stick I purchased online at Brazos Walking-Sticks to give.

Also, tomorrow is Father's Day, so we will have a special prayer for Fathers. Not a fun day for me. My dad died from cancer when I was in Junior High and my step-dad died from cancer in 1997. Sometimes it's okay, but other times it dredges up stuff and makes me miss having them in my life, etc. I never know what kind of a day it's going to be.

I suppose I ought to go figure out a sermon.

Trip to France/Europe

My good friend M, who I've known since High School is engaged. M's fiance is originally from France. M is getting married this summer where the bride's family is... the south of France. So, if I want to support and witness this marriage, I have to get my butt to the south of France.

I took French in 9th and 10th grade, but we never really did conversation, just language drills and vocabulary and conjugation. And it's been over 20 years. Too bad they're not getting married in Mexico, Central America, South America, or Spain... I'd just have to brush up my Spanish a little. So, recently I find myself listening to an audible program on my Ipod and watching the French Language track of "Titanic" to get used to hearing the language.

I've never been to Europe, but I have my passport, having been to Guatemala and Honduras. As long as I was making it to Europe I wanted to see some of it and that didn't seem like much fun by myself. My friend who did Guatemala with me really wanted to go, but for various reasons isn't in a position to take a trip right now. A brainstorm hit - why not take my nephew? He will be turning 19 around the time of the trip and just finished a French class in his 2nd year of college. They are taking a trip to Europe the end of December for my brother-in-law's 50th birthday, so he already has a passport.

The only catch... taking nephew means I have to pay for nephew. I sat with it for a while. When would another chance like this come up for some good quality time when our schedules match up and I could help him get to practice the language he's learning? I've been able to save up a little, but that was going to potentially be used in the following ways: a general financial cushion, a new car since mine is a 1990 and getting kind of sad, downpayment on a house/condo when I'm ready, pay off some of the student loan I'm still paying on. I will take a hit in the pocketbook, that's for sure, but it seemed that this trip was the thing to do. So we'll do it and hopefully have a great time.

The last couple weeks I've been checking airfares and locations online and trying to figure out the basics of my trip - better to fly in and out of same place or would I have a linear route that would be better to fly into one city and out of another, etc. Yesterday, after a grueling day on various travel and airfare websites I bought our tickets. Tickets! Finally! Woo Hoo. We're going to Europe. :) I've got airfare to get my nephew to me, and airfare to get us to France.

I only want to miss 1 Sunday at the parish. After many phone calls I actually finally found someone who said they could supply for me that Sunday. So if we leave on Sunday afternoon after church is over, it gets us into France the following morning and we end up with about 11 days to see France and possibly some other areas in Europe.

Now I just have to finish figuring out the details of our trip, how many days where and when so I can book accomodations, and do I rent a car, do we take a train, or a little of both? M's family has rented a large house for the wedding party and a few guests. I sent money for us to stay there. If I plan it right there could be time before the wedding for us to explore some of that area. There's a fortressed castle/city not far away in Carcassonne, and Arles where Van Gogh painted and other interesting areas in Provence that might be done as day trips from the house.

Originally I wanted to spend a couple days in Italy, either Florence, or Venice or both. Then I saw how beautiful the lakes region between Venice and Milan and to the north was. So I thought maybe the lakes region and then either Florence or Venice.

But then a brainstorm hit. Hey, some ancestors came from Germany. Wouldn't it be neat to go to Germany and see the region where they were born and lived?

The problem... if you have to spend several days in a city for a wedding and you want to see Paris and that takes 2 to 3 days, then that leaves you with not much additional travel time. You can't do it all in one trip.

Originally I was of the mind, "I don't know when I'll ever get back to Europe" mindset. That lends itself to wanting to try and cram it all in. That didn't feel right, I know from my time in Guatemala how nice it can be to just hang out in a city and get to know it. In a book I have the author says in planning, "assume you'll come back." That was helpful. So I'm trying to strike a balance between assuming I'll be back and being okay with not seeing everything this trip, but also being mindful that it is possible I might not get back. If not is there something I would *really* regret not doing? I'd love to see Italy, but if I have to choose between the two, since genealogy has been an interest of mine, I think I would regret not popping into Germany when I was nearby and had the chance.

Sermon Seeds 2 - Proper 5

I don't have much more than I did earlier in the week. I think processing about the mental block in previous post helped some. I will probably go with the Matthew text, that's were much of my energy has been this week. Too many ideas right now, need to figure out a main point/direction.

Been thinking about what it means to be seen, called, healed by Jesus and that he comes for us all, we are all sick in one way or another, even those who may not look marginalized who look like they have it all together on the outside. Jesus uses table fellowship to gather people to him, he seems to include anyone, not those of similar social standing.

Also thinking about Jesus telling the Pharisees to "go and learn" what it means that God desires mercy. Why did they need to learn? I think we tend to read this as judgemental - tsk tsk you just don't get it. What if Jesus is being compassionate, knows he's introducing something new and invites them in - this is some new stuff... go and learn, it may make more sense to you. What did they need to learn? What do we need to learn?

Lastly, I toyed with doing a first-person narrative as either Matthew, the bleeding woman, a Pharisee, or even Abraham - what was it like to be there, what might they have been thinking?

It will be interesting to see where it ends up. It's always kind of a mystery and a surprise.

Saturday Sermon Writing

I tried to work earlier this week, but I'm not much further than I was Wednesday when I wrote out some sermon seeds. Still getting used to the rhythm of preaching every week. Didn't completely honor the "no working on your sermon on your sabbath" rule that I'm trying to implement yesterday. I was close, but in the evening a friend called who's got a search committee coming to hear them preach this Sunday, and we talked about the readings. You'd think that might have gotten me farther, but not really. :P

I think I trip myself up because I take preaching seriously and want to do a good job, which isn't a bad thing, but I think I end up trying to figure out the perfect idea and examples, etc. Maybe I wouldn't be as blocked if I remind myself it doesn't have to be perfect. Just be faithful, preach the gospel, let God handle the rest. I do pray over them. Ask God for guidance. What do people need to hear, ask for inspiration. I think that's a good start.

I've got to have something before I go to bed tonight, so that I can make it to the parish much earlier this week. The last couple weeks I have not been getting there way ahead of the service, as I have wanted to do. It has left me feeling awful, and like a loser, and what was I thinking taking this call and attempting to be a rector? Feeling frustrated at seeming to be bumping into my ADD (but I did finally get my medication refilled this week and I hope that will help). I had a "patriarch" mention something about my not arriving perhaps as early as I should mid-week as well, so I need to figure out a way to make some changes. Don't want to make a patriach sorry that they called you to serve at their parish. Doh! Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like he doesn't like me, or at least like he's watching me like a hawk and is kind of critical. I could be wrong. Time may tell.

So I need to find a way to break through the mental block, the writer's block that comes, that sometimes doesn't lift until early Sunday. I find myself rushing now that something seems to have finally clicked into placet, trying to figure out how to tie it all together and get it down on paper so I can preach the thing, and also get showered and dressed, and to the parish.

I guess what I do is even if something doesn't feel like it's the perfect idea to me today, that I just work with what I have, pick a direction and come up with something to say. May not be brilliant. May not be my best sermon ever. But hey, it will be done and I'll get sleep and not have to rush around in the morning. Being an intuitive person (myers briggs) I wonder if this is at work in my desire for that feeling of an "ah ha" a "click" a "this feels like the right direction to go" a waiting for energy that points the direction to a particular theme.

Someone at the Festival of Homiletics when talking about the writing process talked about the fact that some people envision themselves as writers, hope to be writers, but often they don't write because they think they can only write when they feel like it, or when inspiration hits. They were saying, that's nice and all, but you have to just write. Maybe in the writing of something that I'm not all that excited about, or don't know where it's going to go, I'll break through the block, or find something I am more excited about. But I think the point is to be trying to write out something (my sermon seeds the other day were a start), either by hand or typed, preferably both, before it's 10 or 11pm or midnight.

Also, do I sit here and stress and beat my head against a wall, staying put til I have something? Or, do I review a commentary or two and then walk down to the Art Show they're having at a nearby park today, that is supposed to be kind of "big" in these parts? Something tells me to go to the park. Being in the community, learning the culture, meeting folks is as worthy of my time as working on my sermon. Who knows, maybe I'll discover a story or illustration out of it?

Putting the Love of God on display

I ran across a post where someone has been Reading the book "Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith" by Rob Bell (I have this book, I'm still trying to make time to finish it). As a bishop election approached something they read in this book shaped a question they wanted to ask the bishop candidates. Quoted text is from Velvet Elvis and the question went like this:

"Several of us dream of starting "new kinds of communities that put the love of God and the brilliance of Jesus on display in honest, compelling ways." We dream of churches that lack pretense and possess passion, churches that make traditional Episcopalians nervous. As bishop, how would you support and encourage this kind of risky, creative work?"

The person got some kind of an answer, but didn't really have the time to ask the question in the way envisioned for and did not get as complete and answer as hoped for. The question got me thinking. I posted the following:

"Great question! Sorry you didn't really get to ask it or have it answered in the way originally envisioned. I love Rob Bell's Nooma videos. Nooma

I think we all could be asking ourselves this same question. As a layperson, deacon, priest, or bishop how am I helping put the love of God and brilliance of Jesus on display in honest and compelling ways (or how might I)?. How am I supporting and encouraging a faith community that lacks pretense and has passion (or how could I)? Definitely gives one something to mull over. Glad you posted about it."

I think I just ran across this last night. So I'm still thinking about how can I help put the love of God and the brilliance of Jesus on display in compelling ways, and how does one continue to keep passion for God and things spiritual alive and renewed in a faith community? I think it's something I'll be (or *should* be) asking myself continually in my ministry. I think the answers will change based on context - parish, city, world/current events and the people involved, as well as my own interests and where my energies & passion happen to be.

So what are you doing to slow down? How does this work in a parish?

More thoughts on slowing down.
So, what am I doing (and what are *you* doing) to slow down and how might this work in a parish?

I've recognized a need for slowing down, or being intentional about setting some priorities or making time for things in my own life. I think part of talking to others about this and encouraging them to do it is to be making attempts at it in our own lives. As I have begun my new call I've tried to be better about my Sabbath day. It's not just a "day off." It has a purpose, that purpose is rest and refreshment, a time to nurture body and soul.

A new rule is I'm not allowed to work on my sermon on my Sabbath (although if thoughts occur to me that are just too good I will probably jot them down). Hopefully sermons will be done the day before my Sabbath, but if not I will have to wait to wrap it up til Saturday. If the sermon happens to not be done I know it's going to be very tempting, I'm going to want to justify just working on it for a little bit to just have it finished (I know because I've done it in the past), but that defeats the purpose of Sabbath. Sabbath is supposed to be a day devoted to something other than work. I may slip, or cave in, but I plan to keep working on the practice of Sabbath. I have done things on my Sabbath so far such as spend all day painting, go to lunch and bowling with a couple other priests, and sleep in and watch some movies.

I've also decided to institute a "study day" which is encouraged by our bishop. A day to read that growing stack of books on my nightstand, do exegesis, a day also to pray more deeply and to reflect - and it is to be considered a "working" day, not your Sabbath or Saturday. I think if I can do my best to hold to the Sabbath and study days it will be a start. Already I feel more balanced and healthy.

How some of this crosses over to parish life, the diocese, or the national church I’m not sure, but I’m interested in exploring that. Perhaps a start is to hold and encourage others to attend retreats and quiet days, to intentionally set apart some time to slow down and rest. Perhaps another is to build periods of quiet and silence into liturgy, and slowing down how we say our prayers, so it doesn't seem like we're rushing through worship to be done in exactly one hour and be on to our next thing. That's tough to do as a liturgical leader when you have the pressure of parishioners making comments about the service running a little long. What *is* long and when did the norm become 1 hour? There are places in Africa where church is indefinite, they sing and pray for hours. I too am a product of our culture, which makes me wonder, why don't we? Why do we sometimes attend church like we're punching a time clock? How might we change some of these things that are so ingrained?

Thoughts?

Slowing Down - Slow Church

On a group I'm on there's a discussion forum about the phenomenon of people recognizing a need in our society to slow down. Sloooooow doooooowwwwwwn. It began with Slow Food, a protest against the opening of a McDonald's restaurant in Piazza di Spagna in Rome and has since found expression in such things as Slow Leadership, Slow Travel, Slow Shopping, and Slow Design. The discussion group asks why not Slow Church? The point behind the question to me seems to be, Do we need to slow down? How? How does the Church model slowing down in such an immediate culture, how do we examine priorities and encourages others to do the same?

Someone posted to the forum who is reading a book called The Tipping Point by Malcom Gladwell and read about an experiment. Seminarians were asked to prepare a short extemporaneous talk about a Biblical theme and then asked to walk across to another building to present it. Some were given the story of the Good Samaritan, others something else. Previously a questionnaire was handed out asking about participant's motives/goals in entering seminary. On their way to the building they all ran across a man slumped in an alley, head down, eyes closed, coughing and groaning - the question, who would stop and help? Would it be the ones who just read the story of the Good Samaritan? Those who came to seminary because they wanted to help people? Actually, the best predictor of whether they gave help was their immediate context. If the researcher said, "Oh, you're late. They were expecting you a few minutes ago. We'd better get moving" they were less likely to help than when he said, "It will be a few minutes before they’re ready for you, but you might as well head over now."

Here is a reply I posted:

Wow. Thanks for sharing. I have ADD and one of the ways it affects me is that I perceive time differently. I've been aware of this for several years and have ways to compensate. However, despite my best efforts there are still times when I am running late or feel like I am running late, so this is something good to have read and to reflect on. Could there be times times (or have there been times) when I'm so anxious and stressed about getting somewhere on time that I have failed to see God at work in my midst and opportunities for ministry?

Even if we think we are running late like the students thought they were, or even if we're getting messages from our culture that we don't have enough time we need to go, go, go... that might be the best time to pause, take a breath, slow down, and look around us. I'm reminded of the gospel a couple weeks ago about not worrying and being present in the day. Will our world fall apart if we are 5 minutes late for our next thing if the time was well spent (say providing pastoral care) in the time block previous? Maybe it's a lesson not to have things back to back in our calendars, but allow some breathing space, wiggle room, time to slow down. Time to care for someone in need that we might stumble across.

Recently, I've been wrestling with our Wednesday night lectionary class. Do we keep going in the summer or take a break? One of my parishioners is leading it, I'm not, but I've been attending. I have been convinced by arguments I've heard in the past that we need to be doing formation year-round, that our Christianity doesn't go on summer break, does taking a break send a message that study isn't important, etc.

However, I realized that as someone new to the area that there is a Wednesday night program in the park during the summer I'd like to attend to continue getting to know people and to be a presence in the community. Also a good use of my time. How could I do both? And maybe others would like to attend as well. Being a small church people are traveling and that has an impact on attendance. What good is a class if nobody is in town to attend it? So last night we decided to cut back to the first and third Wednesdays of the month during the summer. It seemed a good balance - not give up study completely, but give folks time off too. Now I see that maybe it's important how we frame things. Maybe it's not that we're tired of study and need a break, so much as we value time with family and friends, time in the community, and are embracing some sabbath time, the opportunities for rest that more people seem to have available to them in the summer time.

"Happy Anniversary!"

Last night I had dinner with some parishioners, a very gracious couple (good food too!). After dinner we talked for quite a while. It was great to get to know them better and it affirmed my interest/plan in making appointments to meet with other parishioners one-on one or in small groups in the near future.

During our post-dinner conversation my cell phone rang. I answered it briefly because it was my seminary classmate and good friend G. I planned to answer and ask if I could call him back in a little while since we hadn't talked in a week or so and had some things to catch up on.

I said "hello?" And I heard, "Happy Anniversary!" I paused for a split second doing the mental calendar/math calcuations and then said, "oh it is!" He had called to acknowledge that it was 2 years to the day since our ordination, our first ordinations, our ordinations as deacons. Two years ago yesterday, in two different states, on a Saturday morning, feast day of the Martyrs of Uganda (a bright sunny day where I was), people from the community lifted us up in prayer and expressed their will that we be ordained. Then our bishops laid their hands on our heads and changed our ministry.

In some ways it does feel like two years worth of time and experience has passed, but in other ways it seems like we just graduated from seminary yesterday and the time has flown. Several of us from our class have begun our second calls, and several more are in the process of discerning where God is calling them next (often a first position can be short, in the 1 to 3 year range). It's interesting to see how everyone's lives and ministries are unfolding.

Sermon seeds, Proper 5, June 8

I don't know if I'll go anywhere with this, but something stood out to me today as I read over the gospel text for this coming Sunday.

Jesus saw Matthew, saw him & called him to follow. Jesus sees the woman who reached out for healing. The act of seeing, and that Jesus is seeing these people stood out to me.

What does it mean to be seen? What is Jesus seeing in Matthew and in the woman? The same thing? Different things? Seems to see something different or something more than what the Pharisees see in these folks. What about the fact that often when confronted with the marginalized in society that it's many people's instinct for some reason to not want to see. We want to ignore these people, pretend they don't exist. Ignore eye contact. They might ask us for money, they might ask us for help. I feel uncomfortable, I feel scared or unsafe, I feel oafish and embarrassed because I have no cash on me to offer. I feel overwhelmed by their need and the little it seems I can do to change their situation. I feel guilty because I'm supposed to try and help.

We ignore eye contact. We refuse to see them. But that's what they need. They need to be seen. They need to have their existence acknowledged. They need to be given a kind word or a smile. They need to be shown dignity and respect. They are a child of god. They are a brother or sister in Christ. They are part of the body. Jesus does not pretend to be busy, or preoccupied or hurry by or look in the other direction. He looks at them and sees them. He looks at them and sees their potential. He looks at them and loves them. He restores their hope and transforms their lives.

What does Jesus see in us? Are we willing to be seen? Willing to be seen if it can lead to healing? What if being seen means we're called to follow - are we willing to be seen then? Are we willing to be seen if it means having our lives transformed?

A Shooting in Compton

Jacque posts on her blog about the experience of witnessing a shooting in Compton. She welcomes the sharing of advice or similar experiences.

Read her blog here:
Faithstones

Today's post is here:
Where's the Outrage - May 31, 2008

Her experience and her reflections echo some of the things I was thinking and feeling after my visit to the Soup Kitchen today.

She states “there’s still work, ministry to do”.

There are at least 2 problems I reflected on earlier today (probably among many others) that come into play in the situation here:

1. Due to various life circumstances persons have become hooked on a drug (alcohol, drugs, or tobacco… the priest said today yes they will kill you over a cigarette - that folks don't care about possible consequences like getting hauled off to jail and just kind of accept that this is the way it is). And, they will do just about anything to feed that habit.

2. Unfortunately selling drugs can be lucrative or at least more lucrative than alternatives available to them (if any). People can make more selling drugs than at some low-paying job. So, when the economy takes a hit and many jobs dry up… how can folks support themselves?

Newsletters, Soup Kitchen & Slicing Carrots!

Today. Well, after much procrastination and writer's block about what to write on, I *finally* finished writing my 3rd Newsletter article for my new parish earlier this evening. But because I was gone all morning (more on that in a minute) and didn't finish it til late afternoon/early evening it hasn't been printed yet, so no newsletter for parishioners to take home with them in the morning after the service. We will have to mail them all, doh! My parishioner who puts it together told me that they've done it before and that the cost isn't too bad.

The good news is since I ended up doing something totally different for my article than I planned, I may already have a topic for next month and can just get started on it now. The original topic was going to be something on the spiritual discipline of Study. Part of the reason why I entered a lot of my books into "Library Thing" earlier this week. Wanted to add a widget to my webpage so people could look for interesting books they might like to read. Another topic I'm thinking of writing on is Sabbath. This month I ended up with kind of a recap of our first full month together, with some other odds and ends.

Despite being up late last night and really not much sleep the night before because I've gone back on my ADD medicine and my body was adjusting... I *did* make it to the soup kitchen ministry at an episcopal church nearby that we support this morning. I also wrote a blurb about this in my article.

I was soooo glad I went. It was amazing!

While there we watched a video of the program, worshipped with the folks and I was asked to give the final blessing, then we ate with and chatted with the people served by this ministry. I talked to 3 brothers ages 8, 5, and 3 about the birthday party for the 8 year old to be held later today, and to another man who's started attending a Nazarene church and learning to play the drums. People from that parish and another in town were both working in the soup kitchen today. On average they serve 300 meals per week – lunch on Saturdays and breakfast on Sundays. On Sundays they also offer prayer with anointing. They also have a clothing closet - some of the people they serve are homeless and in need of new clothes, as there's nowhere nearby to do laundry and they just wear what they have till they basically need to throw it out if they can find something new.

In a city that has one of the highest crime rates in the nation and in an area of town that is besieged by violence, drugs, and poverty when many folks that might be able to help are jumping ship, this parish has vowed to stay and try to make a difference. It is a safe haven and source of help and hope, and there are some who have been baptized and are turning their lives around as a result. With a mission to “Feed My Sheep,” they are truly serving God and their neighbor in a place that needs it and I am honored to say that this is a ministry supported by my parish. I found myself overwhelmed and wanting to do something, anything to help as I heard their story, and as the priest there (who is also a police chaplain and goes out on patrols in the area) walked me around the property and pointed out neighboring houses... "that man on the porch of that house sells drugs, the house 2 doors down used to be a methlab downstairs, it caught on fire once, we helped close it down..." and there was more. The funeral home across the street has closed, the mini-mart on the corner has closed. Some churches in the area are trying to help, but it looks like many will be leaving before long. It made me sad and I felt helpless.

I'm all for sending aid to Myamar and China to help with disaster relief and to try and help the situation in Dafur, however we have areas of poverty, need, and people who feel hopeless right in our own backyards. People's awareness of poverty and economic and justice issues in our own country was raised for a time by the devastation in New Orleans in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. People are still in need there, still living in temporary housing, still cleaning up, but as newer disasters (including recent tornadoes in the states) get plastered all over the news and certain stories grow "cold" or old, many (myself included) may forget to check back in on those folks and see how they're doing.

There’s a new Ad for the Episcopal Church titled “Get Closer to God. Slice Carrots.” The main point... put our faith into action, serve and care for others. This can be done by doing something that seems as simple and mundane as slicing a carrot. It describes how we can serve our neighbors and the world in soup kitchens, shelters, schools, disaster relief and more and encourages folks to put their faith to work. This parish is definitely “slicing carrots”! If you want to help them continue their ministry and continue being a source of love, light, hope and spirit in a neighborhood bombarded by violence and drugs you can donate to their endowment fund, making the check out to The Community Foundation of Greater Flint at 502 Church Street, Flint MI 48502 and designating your gift for St. Andrew’s and their soup kitchen program.

You can see the Ad for the Episcopal Church on YouTube here:

Slicing Carrots Ad

And for a fun counterpoint on slicing carrots go here:
Soccer shoes & a carrot

Okay... enough brain dump and processing. It's after midnight and I still have to figure out what I'm preaching in the morning.

Festival of Homiletics - Minneapolis May 2008

I ran across an incredible continuing education opportunity, and the timing couldn't have been better. At the point where I'm transitioning from preaching about one Sunday a month to every week, I was able to attend the 16th Annual Festival of Homiletics in Minneapolis from May 19 to 23. http://www.goodpreacher.com Approximately 2,100 preachers from all different denominations worshipping, learning, singing and laughing together all week. After the first night's worship, sermon, and lecture I decided that even if somehow the rest of the week was horrible (which I doubted it could be), the trip was already worth it.

The week was AMAZING! Not only was it lots of great information and getting to see good preaching modeled, I was fed by it spiritually. The worship was great, incorporating a lot of different music. Most surprising, although I suppose it shouldn't have been, was how great it was to be on the *receiving* end of the gospel, having the gospel work on me from the outside in - so to speak, rather than the inside out as a preacher. Also fun was the way that lecturers and preachers knew their audience - they were preaching to the choir, so they brought in things we found ourselves nodding in agreement with, and at times roaring with laughter at ourselves and their observations.

I have a picture of me greeting Walter Brueggeman. Not only did he have us all sing "Love Divine All Loves Excelling" before a very good lecture, he had such a nice presence that I found myself tempted to just hug him... but I held back. *grin* I also got to meet and talk briefly to Bishop Micheal Curry of North Carolina, Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor - a well known author, and Nora Gallagher another Episcopal author and lay preacher both of whom gave great advice on creative writing and sermon writing.

I sat in the balcony for a few of the lectures. Being short, I could see better from up there. My roommate was a United Methodist minister from Texas. She was great, we had a lot of fun getting to know each other. Also ran into 2 other seminary alumni who were in the year behind me at seminary. Good to see familiar faces and catch up a bit.



I met up with a group of women bloggers I know one night, known as the "revgals". That was a lot of fun.



Another night while out I tried my first Martini ever, a Maggietini, it had some peach schnaaps and a citrus vodka. I like peach, I like citrus, and it comes in a cool glass. I decided to try one. I'm not a big drinker, a glass of wine (and sweet wine at that usually a Riesling or White Zinfandel) or a margarita on the rocks with salt on occasion. When the Martini came I remembered something. I don't particularly like the taste of vodka or any hard liquor for that matter. That's the last time I order something that sounds "peachy" just because it comes in a cool glass. On the other hand I guess you could say I tried something new. :)



Central Lutheran, downtown Minneapolis where much of the conference was held was gorgeous and just huge! The balcony, which was not only in the back of the church but also on each side.



Central Lutheran's chancel and altar area, with choir seating in the back.



Westminster Presbyterian also downtown and just up the street from the hotel I stayed at also was huge and had a gorgeous worship space.







While in Minneapolis, since I lived there 11 years ago and didn't know when I might ever make it back, I rented a car to drive to the airport on my last day in town since it was just a little more than a cab. I drove myself to (and was amazed I actually found) all three places I lived during my 4 years in Minneapolis, and also past the building on the U of M campus where the Communication's department was. It was interesting to revisit the past and take a trip down memory lane. Also interesting to see both how things haven't changed in some ways, and other ways in which they had.

Below is the last place I lived in Minneapolis, the duplex on Penn Ave. South, just south of Lake Harriet, near 54th Street. The kittycats' first home. All in all a great trip - I was glad I went.

Proper 4A Sermon Seeds

Lectionary Leanings & Sermon Seeds

Right now I can see my sermon going a couple directions. At first I wanted to do something with Noah because the reading is seriously chopped up and leaves out the *covenant*, hello?! So thought of maybe some sort of retelling/teaching/first person narrative thing. Not try to repeat the Bill Cosby thing, but maybe reflect on what it was like to be one of those people who got to get on the boat... or what of all the ones who didn't... what did they see?

Our lectionary discussion group also talked a lot about where do you build your house, how easily sandcastles wash away and houses built on cliffs in california wash away in mudslides. What it takes to build a good house with solid foundation versus contractors who cut corners.

Lastly, my sister has a good friend who just found out this week she has stage 4 lung cancer and doctors estimate it's progressing so fast and is so far along that she may have a week to live. I can't imagine getting this news so suddenly or being the spouse. So that has me thinking about the unpredictableness of life, that storms will come, potentially deadly and devastating storms. Having built our dwelling on a strong foundation, having told the story and written all these things on doorposts and in our heart we may ultimately "be still and know that I am God." Sure in our day to day lives we are called to be still and know, that's part of how we build the house on rock. But as we lay dying, as we all will, we may rest in God, and truly know that God is God, who cared for flowers and birds last week, the God of covenant.

Wow... where'd all that come from? I had to paste this comment from the RevGal site as it ended up longer than I planned, and maybe more of a starting place than I thought I had for this week.

Seven Weeks and Settling In - Updated

I can't believe I rolled into town 7 weeks ago today (well, later on this afternoon). The time has flown by! When it's been a while since you've moved at all let alone across the country, or started a new position, I think you can develop amnesia about what all was involved last time. I'm not the most patient person at times, I get frustrated with myself thinking that I should be all settled in by now with old things running smoothly and new irons in the fire.

But I have to remind myself that it takes time to get to know a parish, time to get used to living in a new place and get to know people around the community. It takes time to change over your driver's license, and get a new doctor and new hairstylist, get boxes unpacked, figure out where the furniture works best, tell everyone your new address, set up TV and internet, figure out where grocery stores are and etc., etc.

Oh yes, and there *is* actually ministry to do that you were called to do. So in all your spare time left over from all the moving stuff you start getting used to preaching every week, attend an all day diocesan stewardship workshop and a priesthood ordination, plan special worship for Pentecost and Trinity Sunday (our feast day) with a brunch, come up with a Mother's Day prayer, do a week of continuing education (at the Festival of Homiletics which was GREAT! More on that later ), try to be seen in the community and meet folks, attend Bible studies, plan music, do hospital visits, write newsletter articles, and figure out how to hire on a part-time parish secretary.

And... if there's any time left maybe try to establish a good routine of honoring your sabbath day, try to read the growing stack of books on the nightstand, and process some of these transition things by journaling/blogging and talking to friends. And if there's still time left after all that, do some laundry and clean the house. Whew!

Hmmm. After writing some of that down I don't feel as bad about where I am less than 7 weeks since my first Sunday with my new parish as I did earlier. I have to remember that moving and changing "jobs" are two of the highest stressors on the life events scale. I suppose it's a good thing I'm not dating anyone right now, because that means a wedding (one of the other top stressors) is not in my immediate future. :) Well, at least not my own, one of my best friends since High School *is* getting married this summer in France and my presence is requested, so there are some arrangements to be made.

Anyway, I'm mindful that others have told me I tend to have higher standards/expectations for myself for what I think should be the norm or "ideal" than what others might say in certain situations. The tricky part here is you don't get a guidebook for this and every parish and every person/family that's moving like this is different, so it's hard to know what's realistic.

Certainly can't stand around twiddling thumbs, but also need to try and be realistic and patient with myself and things in general I suppose. Maybe it's no wonder that I still haven't figured out where I want all my furniture to be and still have boxes lining some of the walls. Heh! :) Had my grandpa not been ill leading to my traveling home before the cross-country move, I would have had a little more time to unpack and get settled... but even then I probably would still be doing some unpacking and settling in.

After spending some time reflecting on these things it occurs to me this is a marathon, not a sprint. So taking a cue from last week's Gospel that reminded us not to worry, and to be present in the current day I just need to keep taking one day at a time, keep on doing my best to adjust to my new surroundings and ministry, and learn the culture as my pastoral care professor was fond of saying, Much like a friend of mine, I can be an idea factory, the key is having the idea far enough in advance to have time to implement it When you jump into a position you don't have much lead time to implement much of anything right away. So, instead of getting too far ahead of myself with all kinds of interesting and creative ideas I think I need to keep focused on some of the basics for a while longer, while I get my bearings and while the parish and I continue to get to know one another.

Slowly, progress is being made... even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

Back Home - Sermon to Write

I was at the 16th Annual Festival of Homiletics (FOH) all week. For me it was AMAZING! Fed me spiritually to be there. For lack of a better description, it fed me to be on the *receiving* end of the gospel and let it work on me that way... from the outside in, rather than the inside out. Also came away with lots of ideas. I also found it affirming in many ways, I'm not alone in this and I'm not the only one to have had some of the thoughts that I've had about ministry or when working on a sermon (or often more accurately, when a sermon is working on me).

The music was great! The music at the Festival and the book I'm reading, "The Jazz of Preaching" reminded me of how I connect to music... so went to Borders last night for a couple Jazz CDs and spent some time on Itunes this morning. Have discovered an artist named Eric Bibb (CD title "Get on Board" and his fun bluesy song "Spirit I am." This song had me dancing around the house this morning - that and the sunshine outside). :)

Ran across a great theme song for Saturday sermon writing by Mercy Me: "3:42 AM (writers block)". Heh!

As for my sermon... it's tough to settle down after all I was absorbing all week - lots rolling around inside me in terms of thoughts on the texts as well as general info on preaching I heard all week. Not sure where exactly I'm going yet.

I connect to the NT reading and being stewards of mystery (how cool is that?) makes me think of Michael Slaghter at FOH comparing us to being Medicine Women and Men - not CEOs, and of course the Gospel message about worry, as we all worry, even though we are advised not to. As an exercise on the plane yesterday I wrote in my journal things that I worry about off the top of my head. Not sure if I'd share them specifically, or use them to talk about general worries we all may have, or both.

Now that I've got some great music to listen to, maybe a little walk in the sunshine will help get the ball rolling.

I was writing in my written journal while I was gone. May share some of that, or further reflections on some of these things later.

5 Weeks - Settling In

After 3 days of driving I rolled into town here on April 11th, which would be 5 weeks ago yesterday. I can't believe over a month has flown by already! At first there were basic things to do like... Getting the bed set up so I could sleep, figuring out where the towels were, buying some basic groceries and starting to unpack boxes.





And other basic things like learning my address, getting my DSL to work, changing over my cell phone number to be local, and starting to learn my way around. I've gotten to begin adapting to being in a small city of 10,000 or so after having only lived in large cities and metropolitan areas my entire life.

In the midst of this I began my ministry among the folks at my new parish. This included needing to make a few small changes to the order of service to help it run smoother and follow rubrics, as well as going from preaching about 1 Sunday per month (sometimes more, and often mid-week services), to preaching pretty much every week. See "The Scream," Edvard Munch 1893.



One week I thought, good grief they are going to think I've lost my mind. One week I'm using magnetized hematite rocks in the pulpit, another week I'm using the example of the game of hide and seek, and the following week while I preached mostly about having our ministry grounded in prayer, the example of my family trying to order a pizza the last time I was home worked its way in as I talked about Jesus' prayer "that they all would be one." But they don't seem to think I'm crazy at all. They seem quite happy and relieved that they are able to understand and follow my sermons. My preaching seems to be more down to earth and practical than they've had in the past. One parishioner was telling me that in the past she would ask her husband on the way home if he knew what the sermon had been about and neither would have a good grasp. Apparently they were pretty heady and theological. So I guess I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing, and keep working on my preaching voice. Speaking of preaching, I'm going to the Festival of Homiletics in Minneapolis this coming week for continuing ed. and I couldn't be more excited! I'm hoping it's as helpful and inspiring as I'm expecting it to be.

Transition continued - being appreciated

So here I am at the very beginning of figuring out what it might mean to be the Rector (the priest in charge) in this place... how can I best serve God and these people?

They have been absolutely great, by the way. They've been helpful, and encouraging and willing to try some new things. For instance, on Pentecost I had them singing in 3 other languages besides English and using marraccas with the song from Zimbabwe, and they seemed to like it and find it festive! I was so proud of them, and happy I could give them a different worship experience that they felt was appropriate to the occasion. It was great to look out on them in all their red. :) Our average Sunday attendance has been 45, but last week we had 53, praise God! I hope some of our visitors return.

I had my first vestry meeting this week. It seemed to go well. It seems that both they and myself are still feeling like there is a definite fit between the parish and myself, what they seem to want and need and what I have interests in and can do... so that's affirming. The only thing I worry about is the nature of the positive comments I've been getting. You're just what we need, it's like a breath of fresh air, we've been waiting a long time for you, thank you so much for coming here, we're so glad you're here, etc. You know folks, I'm not Jesus, I'm not perfect. I think they know that, but if they put me up on some kind of a pedestal I'm worried that I have nowhere to go but to fall off of it.

On the other hand, I was saying to a friend this week that it sure is nice to be appreciated. Even though it's an awful lot to be trying to absorb and adjust to and it's been work the last 5 weeks, for the most part it has also been a joy and fun. Which speaks to me of Buechner's quote "where your deep gladness meets the needs of the world."

In my previous parish, the parishioners were very encouraging and supportive and I received positive feedback from them on my sermons and my pastoral care and other ministry among them. Since moving here I've had some folks there tell me that they miss having me there.

The problem was my working relationship with the Rector. Things were not awful, they were okay, they could have been worse, but they also could have been better. I felt I didn't get some of the mentoring I had hoped for. Part of this is that Rector had never had an Assistant before and I think wasn't really sure how to have one, how to let go of some things, and also that Rector operated out of both what things were like for him as an Assistant and also what he thought he would have needed, or what *he* thought I needed (rather than asking me what would be most helpful). We also have different personalities and different styles of doing things. Had we communicated better we could have been a good balance. He doesn't plan much and just kind of jumps in to try something, but often is winging it and doing things last minute. Where I might not be the best at planning way ahead of time, I like to research things and think them through and have kind of a thought out plan for what we're doing and why. So I can be a little more cautious, and can sometimes see many positives and/or negatives and thus have a hard time making a decision and just going with something. But I think ultimately I do get there. Just maybe not as quickly as he would have liked. Also... ummm hello?! I was in my first year as a priest... a lot to learn and absorb and process, and it takes time just to get to know the parish.

So, in my previous parish I didn't meet with the Rector on a regular basis one-on-one as ideally you should when you're an Assistant. I rarely got positive feedback or comments from him. I often got criticism about the length of my sermons "try to keep it to 10 minutes or less" he'd say. Often I'm more like 15 or as long as 17, but never over 20 minutes to my knowledge. At seminary the guide was to try not to go over 20 minutes and to strive for the 10 to 15 minute range. The thing was is that I often heard people who felt they couldn't follow his sermons, and some days I felt like that too... like they kind of rambled and meandered because he preached with just a brief outline/notes. He was very personable and charismatic which made it easier to listen to, but doesn't help a whole lot if content is somewhat lacking. On the other hand I would get positive comments from people about things they connected to in my sermons. I have some anxiety over preaching, so it was confusing to be getting these mixed messages. I didn't know what to think. So I tried to take his constructive comments with a grain of salt.

It seemed sometimes that he felt that my preaching style, my preaching voice, my liturgical presence, my way of providing pastoral care, etc. had to be like his in order to be good or valid... rather than letting me find my own voice, my own style, figure out how my own personality fits into this vocation. Just because you like to do a drive-by type pastoral visit, doesn't mean that I can't sit with someone at the hospital while someone's in surgery if I feel that's important and an appropriate use of my time.

I will say, however, that when I was preaching only about 1 Sunday per month and someone else to help do the ministry in the parish I had more time to work on and figure out my sermons. Since I got here and get a taste of what it's like to be in his shoes, I have not had a full text written out yet. I had been moving away from having full texts anyway over the last year and preaching of of extended outlines. But there was one Sunday here where I barely had an outline at all, and since I didn't have my computer hooked up at home it was handwritten at that. But... apparently it was thought out enough and communicated clearly enough that my parishioners could follow it and got something out of it. I praise God for helping me and for the Holy Spirit's inspiration each week.

So all that history to say that in my old parish I often felt like I was walking a bit on eggshells, and felt like there was this vibe of disapproval, like I could be doing something different or something better or doing something more than I was... but without anything said on the topic. It was just my intuition. Only 2 days after my last day at the parish did Rector make known that there seemed to be a growing dependence on alcohol and before it might get worse was going into treatment to address it. I don't know any of the details at this point about how much, how often, or when. I had no idea that this was something at play in our interactions and in the life of the parish. So it's something I've been sitting with. Praying for Rector and spouse and the parish. Impressed by the self-awareness and modeling and transparency exhibited. But also found myself thinking... oh, okay... if this was something that influenced our working relationship without my knowledge, then no wonder, and I don't think I could have done much else to improve communication given those circumstances. Maybe I could have, but it's hard to know, and now I have experience and hindsight to take with me into future ministry that I didn't have as I started as a wet behind the ears newbie.

I had months of feeling like my supervisor wasn't completely happy with what I was doing and how, of the stress of it, of the negative self-talk generated by the situation, (Rector seemed to want me to take initiative on the one hand, but on the other I felt I didn't really have the freedom or permission to do things) so feeling a bit stifled like I couldn't really spread my wings or best exercise my gifts etc. After all that stuff I was wrestling with and carrying around, being here has been like a breath of fresh air for me too. It's so nice to feel like I can relax and be myself. Sure I don't want to piss people off and I need to tread a bit lightly as I learn, but it's not the same feeling of being on eggshells as I felt before. It's refreshing that I can preach how I feel the Spirit is leading me to. That I can adapt the service liturgically for various occasions and not have to check to see if the other person is okay with that. To feel that my personality and style and gifts are acknowledged and desired and appreciated, it's a good feeling.

I hope as I go forward in my ministry here that they continue to value my gifts and my approach and I hope that I continue to appreciate them as a parish and also as individuals with the gifts they offer as well. I pray that we would be able to listen for God's guidance on how best to combine our many gifts and efforts to minister in this place and in the world.