Sept 29 2010 - Looking back 9 years

Nine years ago this month I started my first online journal. I'm not sure if the term "blog" had become all that popular yet. One of my best friends since Jr. High (we're still friends) had shared with me that she had run across the phenomenon of online diaries and journals and had decided to start one and gave me the website, knowing that I had often journaled through the years. I set up my first online journal and wrote my first entry in the wee hours of the morning leading up to the attacks on September 11, 2001. The shock etc. related to those events is recorded in one of the first entries. But I didn't write much... why? Honestly I think there was just too much, it was sad and overwhelming and much was shifting.

Been a while... med change issues

I have not been good about blogging or journaling for some time. I used to get a lot out of it, so I'm not sure why I'm not making time now. some earlier concerns about people stumbling across it and no longer being as anonymous have lessened over time.

I found myself thinking about my blogs when someone I know recently asked me about my story of call. I was journaling and keeping an online diary/blog all through my ordination discernment and seminary.

No time for a long post.

Doctor and I decided to try a medicine change, but that left me feeling unwell and very fatigued all last week. I've done some reading online and while it's possible it could have been from discontinuing the one medicine, I think it was from starting the new medicine. Haven't taken it for a couple days and feel a bit more normal today. after reading more about the original medicine, wondering if we shouldn't give that another try. Didn't really have side-effects except for the first week and when we were going to go from the minimum dose to the next higher (which seems to be listed as the typical dose for most folks), I don't think I gave it a fair chance. On the original/minimum dose it didn't seem to be doing much of anything at all... but maybe it was subtle? But I definitely felt better than I did this last week and a half, that's for certain!

procrastination & distraction

I've discovered Farm Town and Mafia Wars on Facebook. Great little diversions. Can suck you in. I've discovered that whenever I get so hyperfocused on something like a game or a task that it sometimes means I'm trying to avoid something else. So I'm wondering what it is that I'm avoiding or trying to distract myself from.

Is it creating an annual report which I find painful and other similar tedious tasks asking for my attention? Is it housework because I don't know where to start? Is it emotions? Is it all 3?

Been awhile... Why haven't I blogged or journaled?

I haven't been blogging. I haven't been journaling. I don't know why when it has always been so helpful to me. Something I have done pretty consistently since I was 13. I understand the possible reason for lack of blogging... maybe it doesn't feel safe, maybe I'll be found out, maybe I need to censor what I say, etc. etc. But then why not just write in my written journal? Especially with some of the ups and downs I've experienced since the summer journaling would probably been helpful through some of it... as a place to process, a place to vent.

So... perhaps as I begin 2010 I will be better about journaling... and blogging.

Staying on task?

Yesterday *sigh*. Had on my urgent/important list as the first thing to do the newsletter. And I never got to it. Why? Because I thought I should advertise what our next Adult Ed offering will be in it and I hadn't decided on what to do. So I spent the afternoon looking at various education/Bible Study options and before long it was clear it was too late to put the thing together, get it copied and in the mail for arrival today. Blah. So I stayed late and worked on Holy Week bulletins and other tasks. Thought maybe I would work on it from home or early this morning.

But I was tired and feeling down when I got home last night (might write more about why later). Since it was after 10pm I ate and hibernated on the couch. This morning I was still not feeling the most chipper when the alarm went off. Decided that since we have our evening program officially I shouldn't be working all 3 timeblocks of the day. So I stayed in the covers and prayed for a while, and came in a little later.

So now my task... is to stay on task. Put this thing together before I can do anything else, if it kills me (which it won't). So I've got some upbeat music playing through itunes, my soda, a candle. Here I go. Focus, focus, focus.

Prayer Request

I've been in my position as the clergy person at our small church for almost a year. I've been feeling some stress related to my position and the many tasks in the last couple months, but especially the last couple weeks. This has brought more of my ADD tendencies to the forefront. Which makes me frustrated and leads to more stress. A viscious cycle.

I have many things to do in general, but specifically I have my first Holy Week and Easter on my own and all that entails beginning with Palm Sunday this coming Sunday (last two years I was assisting clergy). I ask your prayers for rest & lower stress & balance, for sermon inspiration, and for the ability to prioritize, delegate, and get done what needs to get done. Thank you!
Peace, bythesea

Productive Day

It's been a pretty productive day (despite still feeling kind of tired from lack of sleep earlier in the week).



Originally I was going to try and get the newsletter done today, and maybe even in the mail for folks to receive tomorrow. yeah. Newsletter is not done, but current goal is to finish it tonight and/or tomorrow so that it will be ready for pick up on Sunday, and extras can be mailed. So I feel a little guilty and like a loser for not doing the newsletter. Trying to get over that becaues of what I have got done.

I originally was side-tracked by the fact that I knew my first car payment was due by the end of the month and I wanted to pay it and set up automatic payments to start next month. That took a little time. But it's done. yay! So, payments will be done on time and I don't have to worry about them being late, etc.

While I was at it I paid my energy bill, and one other bill.

Then I decided to go look at the storage facility.

Then I stopped at insurance office because I realized old car would only be covered through tomorrow and if I need to drive it to move it or to use to haul stuff to storage unit so I don't mess up my pretty new car, or for prospective buyer to test drive (I have 3 people interested), then it needs to be covered. So, that is done.

In looking for old insurance info to add car back onto policy I dumped a lot of junk mail that had piled up into a bag I started for recycling. A small victory, but hey... progress.

Friend called and asked if I'd like to maybe get food or go see a movie later. At first I hesitated... thinking I could use sleep and there's housework, plus sermon, plus newsletter to work on. But then I said to call me after she's done with the appointment and errand she had to take care of.

I realized that despite feeling kind of bad for the newsletter being undone and 8 million other tasks I could be doing, that I've actually made use of this day the way it's intended. Well... maybe it's more intended for rest and play than chores and errands... but the point is that it was personal stuff, my stuff, stuff that needs to be done. So should I feel bad about that? Probably not.

My plan is to run by the insurance office for my paperwork, go sign-up for the storage unit, and then maybe I'll see if there's time to lay down before I hear back from my friend about trying to get together tonight.

Appt and Clutter

I had a good talk with Dr. H. yesterday and have scheduled time next week and week after Easter, to kind of follow up on things we're discussing and keep on-track through my first solo Holy Week.

One of the things we discussed is I'm stressed by my house. On my book spree the other day I bought 2 small, easy books on reducing clutter and organizing. I originally hadn't gotten a storage unit because I didn't want to pay for something that wouldn't be necessary if I got rid of things and I also thought if I re-arranged things just so there'd be more room. I know in some of the boxes there's just old bills and maybe even junk mail that needs to be shredded and thrown out. Why pay to keep a box of that around? Figured when I had time I could go through and throw out most of it, keep important stuff. But I've been here almost a year and my dining table is still not put together because the dining area has been my storage area. Some of the boxes remain unpacked, or weeded through to toss stuff.



While there's a rationale to the original plan, based on not liking my home Dr. H encouraged me to rethink it. He said I have a goal to feel less stressed & more comfortable in my house. Going through everything could take a while. So, to meet the immediate goal of feeling comfortable in my home, and feel like it's easier to clean because I'm not trying to maneuver around stuff, that I consider a storage unit. This way I can free up space so it feels less cluttered etc. Then I can either go through stuff at the unit, or bring a box or two home at a time to go through. Gradually empty the storage unit and get rid of it.

I like the idea of moving some of this stuff out of the way so my house feels less chaotic, more peaceful, and gives me the space to actually figure out where things might go as I sort through and get rid of things. So, today I looked at a storage area. If all I move there are various boxes, the small one should work. You can stack up to the ceiling in the unit, which I haven't really done here.

Let's be honest. My living space may not look like this:



or this:



On a regular basis, at least not without some help. But I can definitely move closer to it. :)

A tidbit from one of the books (not sure if it was in one I flipped through and didn't buy, or one I bought). Most of what we file away never gets looked at again. The writer said that for many things you'll get them again (another catalog), can find the information if you really need it, or information is changing so what you've kept may be outdated. That was pretty liberating. I had been holding onto potential "resources" at the office. Mail I hadn't really had time to do anything with, but looked like it could be useful. I dumped a lot of that in the recycle yesterday. yay! There's more to do, but it's a start. I do know that there are certain kinds of things that I *will* look at, because I already have. But much of it can go bye-bye.

The books say to tell someone about your plan to de-clutter. Also you are to write out your reasons (which I've kind of done here, could be more specific). So after buying the books I told one good friend, then yesterday I told Dr. H., and today I told a friend who could be a good person to use as a "buddy" to keep me company as I work on stuff. Books say that the buddy doesn't even have to be helping, they can be doing they're own project, but just having someone there can help. I think it can help you stay on task and committed to the project... can't just decide to put it off and do something else instead with the friend there. But I think the other big thing is that with someone else there maybe it seems less tedious, or difficult.

Colleagues, Books, Dr H, & clutter

I have not been sleeping well this week. Stayed up very late for no good reason a couple of nights and I'm feeling it, but keep plugging along.

Dr H
Get to talk to Dr. H today. I know it will not magically make everything different or better, but I feel good about taking the step toward self-care. I shared with my friend who's regular appt with their therapist inspired me that it had done that and I have this appointment. Friend was happy and encouraging and also said that they would recommend their person if at any point I wanted to look into someone who's local. She said the person she sees is worth the 50 minute one-way drive. Kind of like my continuing to drive 90 minutes to see Dr. H. after I had moved to my previous location.

My week...
Feel like I didn't get much accomplished yesterday even though I was there from 10 until 8:30. Spent a good amount of time on a document for a committee I'm on, so that's pretty much done and ready to be emailed (had secretary type a preliminary page from my written notes... one word... spellcheck). Also spent a good amount of time finding info and creating a handout as additional info for our adult study in case people wanted it... but only a couple people took it. So, felt a bit like wasted time - was trying to be "prepared" and give people resources, but maybe I should have spent that time on proofing bulletins, the newsletter or even... *gasp* my sermon? But once again we did have good soup, good fellowship, and learned stuff about another faith tradition. So the evening was time well spent and served its purpose. It's how I spent the afternoon that could have been different.

Colleagues & Conversation - Solving the Problems of the Church :)

After the 2nd meeting on Tuesday I had a great conversation with 2 colleagues. We all really seemed to enjoy it and need that connection, that space to relate to others and have others to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. One even mentioned that after being able to talk with another person and myself at the Ordination on Saturday and our time on Tuesday they've realizing that's something they probably need to be more intentional about doing, they miss having that group of peers around to do this with like we had in seminary. I agree, I've really benefitted from these discussions too. So there we are, standing in a hallway, trying to solve the problems of the world. :)

Okay, maybe not that grand a scope, but we did talk about things related to the future of the church, the future of our ministries, post-moderism, emergent church, and how to reach out to the unchurched. It was noted that there *should* be people out there to reach, without sheep stealing, if the polls are right and only about 20% or less of people are in church on Sunday. So if you want to adjust that for error and to include other faith traditions, you still have to think that it's likely 60% of the people around us have no spiritual home, so how to we talk to them, reach out to them, etc. We talked about how while we and other colleagues or educated laity may be able to see some holes in popular books like "The Shack", we have to realize that that may be a good starting point with these folks. And then I remembered and shared how for me the entry point book was Neal Donald Walsh's "Conversations with God," because it got me thinking about God and thinking about a God that I could actually have a conversation with. I might be talking about some of this in my sermon on Sunday, if I do, it will be in the context of the Greeks who "want to see Jesus." How do we help people to see Jesus? And they may not even be able to name it, it may look more like, "sir... we wish to see, ummmm.... something" and we have to be able to recognize that that "something" is a spiritual longing, that perhaps they've sensed that "god sized hole" and they're trying to figure out how to fill it. Anyway... I really enjoyed that conversation the 3 of us had and what it got me thinking about.

Books! My solution to everything :)
After the conversation with colleagues I made it to the bookstore to pick up the copy of "The Great Emergence" by Phyllis Tickle that I had put on hold by phone on Sunday. On the one hand maybe I should have known better than to stray into the inner sanctum of the bookstore...*laugh*, just stayed at the counter, paid for my book, and left. That way I would not have spent about $100. On the other hand I did find some good things in my wandering. And I do give myself credit... while I let myself spend a long time looking at website-creation books. I ended up *not* buying one. I did so for a couple reasons. First, I couldn't decide which would be the best/easiest to get. But also I realized that if I had the book I might be tempted to read it and go there... and I know there are more important things I need to do with my time this week. So... no books for me on websites, (x)html, or CSS.

Another small victory... While looking at books on getting rid of clutter and organizing - I tried to be wise about what I chose and what really is going to fit my current purpose, and reign in that need to learn everything about it before I do it monster. So while there were one or more books that were more complete, more detailed and I kind of liked a questionnaire, or some worksheets in 1 or 2 of those. For the moment I need to just get a start. So I got two short books that are easy to read and don't have so much information that they are overwhelming.

So, here are the books that I left the store with (and I maybe should mention that I have a couple sitting in my Amazon shopping cart that I'm thinking about ordering in the near future). Okay, the books:

The one-minute organizer, plain & simple by Smallin
10-minute clutter control room by room by Alexander
The Last Lecture by Pausch
Peaks and Valleys by Spencer Johnson (of Who Moved My Cheese)
The Present by Spencer Johnson
Our Iceberg Is Melting by John Kotter and Holger Rathgeber
The Great Emergence: How Christianity is Changing & Why by Tickle... and
An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor (her follow-up to Leaving Church)

Okay... I have to run so I can actually get bulletin proofed and a couple other things before my clergy group meets.

and the fun continues...

So I was feeling crappy, running a bit late for meeting.

Then had to relay a task to someone who cannot seem to be able to quickly grasp what I'm asking without repeating eveything back to me or trying to do it right then and walking me through each step... I don't need to hear about it, you can do it after we get off the phone.

And then I discovered my cell phone wasn't dialing out (which also likely meant not receiving calls - which is important when you're a pastor and you are going to be out of town at a meeting most of the afternoon). So I got to call the cell phone folks. *sigh*

Phone is now working, but now I am going to be my somewhat typically late self, and that is stressful because it makes me feel like a loser. At least I will be there in plenty of time for the most important part of the day - the 2nd meeting.

Where'd my day go?

I did look at Sunday's readings yesterday. But I'm not sure what to do with them yet. Jeremiah about the covenant being in our hearts could work, but there's so much going on in the Gospel, feel like I should go there. I feel like I've preached on the "sir we want to see Jesus" line that we get this Sunday before.

My time has been disappearing into random black holes lately (particularly the last couple days), and it's frustrating.

Don't even get me started on the problem with my laptop that I haven't figured out yet. :/

One was the blackhole of "Looking for Educational Resources" (looking for a study for us to do after Easter) which included Amazon.com - and we all know how dangerous that can be.

And then when adding some links to my blog (because they were right in front of me while looking for resources, so gee wouldn't it be nice to have them on the blog?)... I got sucked into blogs of other Episcopalians and Revgals and connecting to others with ADD. So... time disappeared. Didn't get much sleep, Didn't do laundry or other tasks I could have (should have) been doing yesterday.

So today is just going to be fun, fun, fun in the aftermath. Now I will be tired and the tiredness may compound the ADD stuff that I've been stumbling into - blah.

I have to somehow get my a** in gear to finish the newsletter if I can. I have my clergy group meeting about an hour north for most of the morning followed by an interview that I have to take part of because of a committee I'm on. I'm not even exactly sure what this interview is supposed to look like... I feel like they haven't given me a good example and I'm going in blind. Thankfully, at least one experienced person will be there.

Grrrr!

Long day. Then turned on computer a while ago to discover an "update" that downloaded from Microsoft when I was looking for a template on their website yesterday has messed up my computer even though I've tried to stop the install when it starts.

Depending where I open Word from it looks like they tried to make a new fancy version but once again they've moved everything and succeeded in making it harder to use *grumble* (blue background with "compatibility mode" showing at the top). Also now my printer is no longer showing and it doesn't want to add it, even though the printer icon itself tells me its online. Grrrr.

Not happy about the time it has cost me this evening and no fix yet.

I'm exhausted and cranky and may just go to bed and get up early with less cranky attitude.

On a positive note the service this afternoon was very nice, and afterward a friend and I spent time catching up which seemed really good for both of us - time to share, vent, be affirmed, know we aren't the only one experiencing certain things or challenged by certain things. Stopped by the parish on my way in and got some things set up for morning so that pre adult ed time, and between adult ed time and service time might go smoother and be a little more "free".

Logging my tired self off now to decide how to handle lame computer situation and need of sleep.

My Saturday & Crazyauntpurl

Another Saturday.
Sermon: in typical fashion most Saturdays is still in scribbly-note brain-storming, mulling over mode. Still contemplating the snakes from OT reading representing sin & brokeness and needing to be acknowledged, seen, brought into the "light" to be healed (since John references the OT reading), a la my Tues Lectionary Leaning comment at Rev Gals.

Rented "Snakes on a Plane" last night. :) But for some reason decided to watch "Capote" instead. Interesting to watch him explore the crime, feel something in common with one of the murderers, and wrestle with his own "stuff" and the situation in general. I don't think it will be brought in tomorrow, but could make for future sermon fodder.

I might actually be selling my old car in the next several days. Apparently the Schwann man saw it where it's parked at one my parisioner's (not enough room here to have both cars in the driveway), and has a brother-in-law looking for an extra car that gets better gas mileage than the huge suburban thing he's driving around. I met him at their house last night and showed it to him and we took it for a test drive. Interesting as I drove it, it seemed harder to steer (getting spoiled by power-steering in new car already), and I noticed every squeek and groan it made on the bumpy road. I don't think it got noisier, I think I was so used to it I never noticed it, until I've now started to become accustomed to the quieter new car. Thursday evening spoke to my mom and said that someone was interested in it. She said don't worry about trying to bring it back out there, just get rid of it the easiest way possible. I said yeah, but there's a lot of history with that car, I'm kind of attached to it. She basically said get over it, and move on. I'm trying.

Spent some time this morning reading several chapters of "Crazy Aunt Purl's Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair,", based on her blog: www.crazyauntpurl.com and true story of how she picked up knitting as a hobby as a 30-something who's husband decides to leave her to get his "creativity" back. I recommend it. :) I could defintely relate. No, I'm not in a crisis like she was and I don't drink lots of wine like she was (in fact the little four-pack of white zin I bought at New Year's just in case I wanted some wine still sits untouched in the bottom of my fridge. I'm not divorced or getting divorced, but I've broken up with 2 long-term relationships and I remember what it was like, and the questions about what the future now looks like. And I can relate to not really wanting to cook, to being overwhelmed and fascinated by all the choices in the grocery store, and in a profession where I often wear black, I often have white cat fur attached to me. She's both real and entertaining. I look forward to reading more. :)

The rest of today.
As soon as clergy shirts are done washing and I go hop in the shower I'm off to an ordination this afternoon. I know I'll be happy to be there once I'm there, but in the moment would rather stay home and do housework, work, watch "Snakes on a plane" etc. But going is supportive. It pays back for those who made the effort to come to my ordinations, and it helps connect me to more people in the diocese.

Better run so I have a hope of being on time.

Lost in Clip Art land

Having to figure out my blog here (it's now in okay shape but needs a little tweaking) had me thinking about the parish website and what we might like to do with that.

Was trying to figure out everything there is to know about websites on my to do list for the week? Nope (although the parish website has been being discussed recently, especially since vestry retreat). But I let myself get sucked in - kind of thinking that with Easter coming and our goal of trying to reach new folks that it warranted my time and had some urgency.

So instead of 8 million other things I could have been doing I landed in internet land for about a day of work and much of my down time the last day and a half. In my true research nerd fashion combined with a learning style of trying to see the big picture to understand the parts and ADD tendency to hyperfocus... well let's just say there's no lack of information in my brain or computer on the topic at the moment. I explored different ways to build and host, is it better to be blog-based or be a website, how one might use web-based calendars to embed on your site, places to find royalty-free stock photos that don't cost and arm and a leg, etc. etc.

So today I was trying to work on the newsletter. I have a love-hate relationship with our newsletter. I think part of the problem is I am maybe just a little too creative and have too much technical knowledge and that gets in my way. Am I capable of just throwing something together that has basic info in it, being okay with that, and printing it?

Apparently, No. I think about photos from this or that recent event that could go in, that of course need to be cropped and resized (by me because I took them and downloaded them and they're on my computer). Different blurbs that need to go in, and then look for clip art that might go with various blurbs or articles to help them stand out so people will see and remember them.

So I found myself lost and wandering in clip-art-land today. Blah. So I've got some appropriate graphics, but I do not have a completed newsletter, which was my original hope for the day. *grumble*

Somehow I've been tripping up over myself like this this last week or so... more than other weeks. But the last couple weeks I have had a block with the newsletter.

It's got the same feel to it as being "stuck" or having writers block on larger assignments in seminary. I have so many thoughts and ideas I feel a bit of overwhelm, and am not sure where to start - so I spin my wheels trying to figure it out. Then because I've fallen behind of when I planned to start and/or finish, stress and negative self-talk gets attached to the project, compounding the problem, so it turns into a bit of a snowball and it can be hard to break out of and move forward.

Photography and wordprocessing expertise come in handy, but in someways my life would be easier if I didn't have those skills because I'd have no choice but to rely on others to do some of this stuff. To use an ice-cream analogy (mmmm ice-cream)... my options would be more limited to Vanilla, Strawberry or Chocolate, instead of knowing there are a lot of other flavors at Baskin-Robbins if you're willing to make the trip. I'm trying to get better at handing things off and asking for help rather than fall into the "I can do this quicker than I could explain it to someone else" trap. Because while on the face of it that might be true. It's also true that I end up spending time figuring out how to incorporate Pistachio ice-cream and chocolate sprinkles in a way that fits with the other 3 flavors. As cool as that may be, or as interesting or challenging as I may find it... is it necessary? Is it sufficient and acceptable if it ends up more simple?

I need to try and apply what I learned from Dr. H while I was in seminary. That the combination of high IQ, creativity, ability to generate information, and a little perfectionism related to some family systems baggage, mean that I will often be thinking of the end-result of a project in a more complex way than others might. I hear "write a history paper on monks" and I want to understand and see the larger picture of all things monastic from the first monks to the present. That would involve a lot of time and energy. The professor may just want a 2 page blurb outlining some basic info on one group of monks from a specific time period, and my classmates may be planning to spend a couple hours total on the thing. So it was helpful for me to ask for an example... what does this thing I'm trying to create look like? Or ask how long they expect the assignment to take and ask others how long they thing it will take and what they thing the final result will look like. That would help me to narrow my focus and resist the urge to over-research in trying to do a better and more thorough job, or just because I found the topic interesting.

So... the question is how to apply these things when the "assignment" isn't given by anyone but is a group "we should do this" kind of thing, or when it's self-imposed. How do you decide the limits and parameters? How do you set realistic expectations, or somehow break it up into smaller steps that can have more narrow scope when someone can't give you and example essay and say, "reproduce something like this"?

Well, the good news is that I have a phone appt set up with Dr. H. in about a week when originally I couldn't schedule something for the week after. I lucked out with a cancellation, and I kept an appt for the following week as a kind of follow-up, since we will be heading toward Holy Week at that point, and I'm sure there will be plenty to juggle.

Messed up my blog - blah

So on Monday I saw something on blogger about changing to a new layout and options that it has to follow people's blogs and a couple other things. I thought okay, sounds good. wrong.

I had modified my template so there was a wider space for posts, and had added some things to the sidebar like the sight meter , a widget or two, a few links, etc. Somehow in the updating to the new layout setting process I messed up my blog. :(

I had the old template saved, but when I got frustrated trying to edit a template I thought, forget it, I'll just put the old one back in for now until I have time to play with it more. But when I pasted it back into the edit template tab and hit save the newer version didn't like something and wouldn't let me hit save. *sigh*

So the last couple days I've been putzing with the blog and trying to get the various elements I'd like to see back into the thing. I wasn't exactly planning on refreshing my memory of the little I know about html code this week. So, we'll have to see how it comes together.

maybe I'll give them a chance

After writing the last post I decided to view at least one profile before bed.

Gotta say, maybe they aren't off-target with all their suggestions after all. A 47 year old NT professor who seems to have a sense of humor seems kind of interesting, there's some definite overlap with what I'd be looking for, at least based on this preliminary info. Good grief he even mentions Amy Jill-Levine in his profile. I bet I don't find another that does that! :)

The drawbacks... he has a job (okay yes, employment is a good thing) he seems to like and thus in current economy probably would not be interested in uprooting himself from the state he is in. He's also a messianic jew and says he's committed to living a jewish lifestyle. But he's listed as Christian and eharmony matched him with me, so he must be open to dating Christian women. But how living a jewish lifestyle for him would fit with a partner who's clergy??? Not sure. If nothing else but to help with future matches I clicked I was interested. The rest I leave for another day.

One last thing... I wonder what some people are thinking with the photo(s) that are posted. In the age of the camera phone, digital camera, and computer webcams, how difficult can it be to come up with one photo that is in focus that is somewhat recent?

email & dating (or lack thereof)

I'm breathing a sigh of relief. As I figured, I'm happy to report there's nothing unexpected, crazy, or frustrating waiting for me in my work email account that I couldn't bring myself to open up earlier today. Now tomorrow, who knows? Heh!

Another thing while I'm speaking of email. Around valentine's day I had at least two people suggest online dating to me. I also personally know at least 3 couples off the top of my head who met that way. A long time ago I had done the quiz at eharmony but never paid to join, and didn't really feel like I was in a place to follow up. Same for Match.com.

So I let myself get persuaded by friends and the ads. I couldn't figure out a way to re-take the eharmony test. It had been so long since I set it up, I figured some things would be static, but others may have changed. So using a different email address I took the 8-million question test. And then I don't know what came over me, I "joined" so I might actually be able to view photos and talk to folks (even though they periodically have their free communication weekends).

Well. I just can't keep up with these people. Everyday there are new emails about "learn more about your match so-and-so". Uh, excuse me, I haven't even read through the first 40 profiles you've sent me, what makes you think I'm going to look at these. Now of course there's also an ego thing wrapped up in this because many of these people "close" the match for whatever reason. Often because they think you're too far away. At this point I'm not even looking at that screen. Whatever the reason they've decided not to learn more about me, so why try to convince them to reconsider.

The problem when you try to be honest about the role faith plays in your life when answering the questionnaire, is then they try to match you with the same people who left the sinner's prayer pamphlet on my door today. Yeah, we've got some things in common, but not necessarily the best "match." Eharmony does have a scale where you can click to what extent you're interested in someone. That's supposed to get figured into how they suggest future matches. I'm not so sure it's working.

There were actually a couple people not too far from me that seemed like there could be potential. But one is pursuing another relationship. I suspect a lot of the others I've been matched with are like me... have the profile and get sent a match, but haven't paid to be able to communicate. I guess I'll find out more if I ever try to communicate with someone. The last I checked, only one person had wanted some additional communication. But if I remember correctly they were in another state (not an insurmountable obstacle, but it does complicate things), but I also just wasn't sure there was a strong enough fit on paper to consider pursuing it.

Having made it a month past Valentine's day, some of the pressure I felt around being single has faded, as it always does. So do I keep the membership a bit longer and actually try to make use of it, or just try to get out and about more around here? Both? While I'm fine on my own, I can't deny that sometimes I really miss what it was like to be in a relationship when I was with J and when I was with S.

Yeah, here are the current stats.
Out of 17 men I decided were maybe interesting enough to think about contacting, there are 6 left who haven't closed the match. There are 89 that decided to close the match before I could ever look at them. There are 109, yessirree, 109, one-HUNDRED plus nine, "new matches" waiting for me to look at them. Ummm yeah, in all my free time. These are from all over the country. I think there's a "don't match me" option. Maybe I need to find that and click it until I have time to wade through the ones they already sent.

On the positive side if you add 89 + 109 + 17, that's about 215 people out there so far that eharmony formulas think could be a mutual match with me. So I guess you never know what might happen.

seeking balance with wrong number

Last week a friend called me. Twice. The first time I was in a meeting. Later I was on my way out of a coffee shop post-meeting so was able to answer. Friend said that they had had some time while driving to and from an appointment with their therapist and were thinking about me and wanted to check in, see how things were going. Friend seems to be pretty good at meeting with their person on a regular basis. That conversation and a couple others of late planted a seed.

While things are mostly positive (despite recent needs to vent), it is a bit stressful to try and juggle various things while also trying to learn new things, and then there *are* the things that needed venting about on top of those more regular things.

Ideally I should find a spiritual director, or a therapist or coach with ADD experience nearby (or heck, maybe 1 of each). But it takes time to layout history and build trust. So in the meantime I'd been thinking maybe I should at least check in by phone with Dr. H., my guy who helped me weed through the ADD stuff during seminary and I've checked in with periodically since. I was going to say it'd be perfect for me if he moved here or I was rich and could fly there or fly him in here. That just gave me a thought, I wonder if anyone meets using webcams?

Anyway, since I'm trying to rally and be more balanced and healthy I decided to call today to set up an appointment. I forgot I have both office and cell numbers in my phone and my phone defaults and calls a cell number first if I just hit "send" on the person's name. So Dr. H. answers and it sounds like it might be a restaurant and I realize what's happened. Doh! I say it's me, briefly explain the mix-up, I was trying to call the office to set up an appointment. He sounded happy to hear from me and said he guessed he'd talk to me soon then, after making sure I had the other number.

It was amazing what that brief moment of a combination of calm & cheerfulness did for my mood. I felt myself lighten somewhat, like when a friend steps in and helps you carry stuff. I hadn't realized the extent to which I was carting baggage around with me today until that moment. Which tells me the phone appointment is a good idea. Now I kind of regret not touching base more often, because there may be more to fill in, and maybe I wouldn't have let myself become a stressball last week. I think the last time we spoke was in the fall in the wake of providing pastoral care for my parishioner who's spouse died by suicide. Well, I can't change the past but can only keep moving forward from here.

The secretary didn't call me back today so I should be contacted tomorrow to arrange something. Then it just depends on how busy he is, and getting our schedules to match up.

In terms of other areas of balance... In addition to journaling to work through stuff, and trying to get my butt to the gym I joined, I've considered the possibilities (for quite some time actually) of either a cleaning person or a coach to help me go through papers get organized, help me avoid junk-mail mountain. But I don't know where would be a better place to start, I feel weird about needing help with some stuff others don't seem to (of course if you're married there may be one more person making a mess, but there's two of you to do cleaning & organizing and other chores too - you can divide & conquer).

It's getting late and I want to get up early. Busy day tomorrow.

Sinner's Prayer Pamphlet

Earlier this evening I was getting ready to heat up some food and was back to reading a bit and jotting some initial thoughts on Sunday's readings. There's a brief knock on the door. Well I've studied from home today, I'm looking a bit like a raggamuffin and am not expecting anyone. Cautiously I creep toward the door, try to peek through the window (but it's up kind of high). I don't see or hear anyone out there. I open the door and peek out. Don't see anyone. Then I see something sticking through the screen door.

It was a Sinner's Prayer pamphlet left for me by someone associated with one of the local Baptist churches.

OK "Sinner's Prayer pamphlet" is not the official title, it's the shortest way to describe the contents. Outline of a guy with head hung a bit low and "Why walk alone" on the front. Inside starts with do you feel alone, like no one cares etc.? There is hope, an answer, a friend etc. Then scripture (Ephesians 1:7, John 14:27, Proverbs 18:24) & prayer instructions with more scripture (Romans 3:23, Hebrews 12:2a, Romans 10:13). It makes me want to go back and read the scriptures in their proper contexts.

First step under "How can you have this forgiveness? How can you know this peace? How can you meet this friend?" is: 1) Admit that you are a sinner and need forgiveness. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 Step 2 is accept what Jesus did for you on the cross and Step 3 is ask Jesus to forgive your sin and save you.

I know this order of things is pretty widely held and practiced, but today I thought about it. God doesn't say I'm going to establish this covenant but before I do you have to admit you're a sinner. God initiates the covenant. I don't recall Jesus telling the disciples that they had to admit they were sinners before they could join him. He simply invited, "follow me" or "come and see" and they responded. The rich young ruler is told to follow the law, to let go of material things that seem to be holding him back and follow. It leaves me wondering why we don't have "follow me" pamphlets instead, and being more appreciative of the "come and see" ad campaign from the national church.

This experience also left me thinking about several things.

At first I was kind of amused, do you know you put that on a priest's door? Maybe they do, hmmm maybe they think I need reminding. :)

I also felt like I had to give some credit for someone being willing to get out there and try and reach out in some fashion.

On the other hand I found myself thinking about evangelism. I wondered that if as a Christian I was a little put off by the approach, what would I think if I practiced no faith tradition, or a different faith tradition and came home to find that on my door? What would I think if someone from a local synagogue or mosque had left me something? Being me, I might actually find it an interesting read, and would shrug it off... thanks but I'm pretty grounded in my faith tradition. Someone else might be more disturbed.

So then it had me thinking about our parish's desire to reach out to seekers and unchurched. We've contemplated some kind of postcard invite to worship around Easter (others say that gets small results, need to consider TV... oh wait, but we didn't inherit Brewster's millions). If doing a large mailing, there'd be no way to know you're inviting Jewish people who attend a local synagogue (or others from different faith traditions) to come celebrate Easter. To me it seems a bit rude - hey we know you don't think this person was the messiah, but we do so why not come celebrate with us? Does it happen so often they look the other way and shrug it off? Would I care if I got a notice about Rosh Hashanah? Again, being me, I'd probably find it interesting and might even consider going. Other's might be disturbed.

Which leads me back to the question: what are our best options for reaching folks without a spiritual home? Many, many people have been working on this question for many years so I can't expect to answer it here. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, making it more complicated than it needs to be. Maybe I shouldn't worry about offending others, but if I don't take them into consideration then it feels like I'm not respecting the dignity of others or loving them.

Am I the only person who thinks about this stuff? In the time I spent reflecting on this just now I could have done a load of laundry. *grin*

Anyway, it was kind of interesting to ponder the pamphlet and it's "sinner" approach since I'd read Will Willimon's thoughts (from Pulpit Resources) on this coming Sunday's Gospel & he says we should be honest that people preferred darkeness to the light, and in Lent turn a searchlight on our lives & be blunt about what we see, like Dr. Phil, rather than distance ourselves by only naming systemic, institutional evils.

So at least the pamphlet folks don't hide from it.

I don't know if that's where I'd start with someone who's seeking. I suppose in some situations it might be as good a place to start as any.

Also to me when approached or worded in this step-by-step fashion it feels a bit more like a vending machine than relationship. Look at menu and select grace & peace. Insert correct prayer. Out pops grace & peace. Pick up your grace & peace and continue on your way.

Okay, long enough.

Last Week & a New Week

Last week went okay. Vestry meeting seemed fine and productive. The weather has been changing some so I've wondered if allergies are surfacing and I think the infection issue from Fall was trying to resurface too. No matter what the cause(s) near the end of the week I was feeling very tired.

I will admit that I let some of the outside and my own internal criticism get to me, because I think I was also feeling a bit mentally tired too. Not like my spirit was broken, but a little bruised by life.

I had put in extra hours again the previous week/early in the week - much on worship planning, which *is* my area, not something that can be handed off. So over the weekend I just admitted I had to rest.

I had to let go of bread baking and use hosts (I did have some alternative store bought bread, but it does't break up/tear apart as easily so opted not to use it). I had to let go of correcting a typo in the bulletin that was found on Friday after it was printed and just do a verbal acknowlegement of the mistake. Not my best sermon, had to be okay with that. But also be okay with the fact that I think I did give folks some food for thought.

Since email has delivered criticism lately, I find myself avoiding opening it today, almost out of self-preservation. I feel myself waiting to open it until I've shored up myself today to handle whatever mystery might be waiting for me there (although odds are there is nothing there I'd consider stressful).

So, a whole new week now. Trying to adjust my attitude and regain my normal optimism. I'm looking at Sunday's readings and pondering them and where one might go with them.

Tonight & Time Change

For someone who is a bit of a nightowl and thus not the best morning person, I (like most people I suppose) am not a big fan of the "Spring Ahead" time change.

In case I happened to forget altogether, I changed all my clocks a while ago. It's weird to see one time on the computer and cell phone that change automatically and another on my watch and house clocks. It was a bit of a shock to see how "late" it is.

I took some motrin for the dull headache and shoulder tension I had. Now I'm figuring out what next. It's getting so late that the "nap" I'd hoped for earlier is probably not wise. Best to stay up a bit longer, and then maybe early to bed (and early to rise if things need to be done in the morning).

Still wrestling with my sermon... is it about identity or about the cross? It seems like there should be a way to link them but I haven't figured out a way that really gels yet, so maybe better to just do one idea. One way to link them might be something like we follow Christ & bear the cross because of our identity as disciples, our "naming" as Christian. (maybe something about the relationships or respsonsibilities that are tied up in an identity???)

Since we're (I'm) chanting the Great Litany tomorrow and that will add time onto the service I'm thinking I need to go for a shorter sermon. So part of me thinks I should come up with a reflection on the different ways we might think about and or approach the cross in our lenten journey, using much of what I summarized from the bishops, and some of what I jotted down in my sermon prep on Thursday. One would think that would be relatively easy. But I also had a lot of energy and ideas around the name & identity thing. The only thing is... lots of thoughts and observations, but what would be my main point? What's the logical progression with that besides that God changes Abram and Sarai's names, and we too have new identities. What's easy (if anything) about that? What's harder?

Since I have lots of ideas, I just need to pick a direction, decide a logical order, and consolidate, I'm putting sermon prep on hold for a bit.

I was going to see if I could just non-perfectionistically, in "quick & dirty" fashion throw together the pieces I have that need to go into the newsletter and print something out to go copy for the morning.

I'm also deciding if I will make fresh bread for tomorrow. I don't *have* to. I have some from last week that has been refrigerated that should be fine. If it's not, we have hosts. As much as I'd like to have real bread each week in Lent, I didn't publicize that we would. So if it comes down to staying up late, or baking, I ought to skip baking... as much as I enjoy baking. But my recipe only takes about an hour from start to finish, so if things all fall together, bread may still be do-able. We'll see.

I also need to look back over the discussion questions for our Bible study in the morning. They are on the OT reading, and they focus around covenant.

That's where I'm at. Better run or nothing will get done!

Some bishops reflect on the Cross

Once I had a chance to hear a series where a parish invited some of the bishops who resided in the diocese (mostly retired) to speak on the idea of "Deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow me."

It was interesting to see how each offered their own perspective on this idea and how it might apply to our lives. We were shown the richness and depth one might find in a single passage of scripture. Each talked for a good while and also had questions and answers afterward. I know I have more extensive hand written notes somewhere. But when typing up a summary at one point, below is what I came up with.

Bishop Hibbs noted a cross we are asked to embrace may not be external, but often is something intrinsic in us to be embraced, owned and redeemed. Quoting the collect for Proper 22 on BCP 235, he invited us to look inside this Lent and shine a flashlight on fears or things we don’t like about ourselves. See if it illumines a cross and moves us to something new. Embracing the cross involves dying, which hurts, but also rising to newness of life.

Bishop MacNaughton commented this passage appearing in 3 gospels makes it a central theme in the life and ministry of Jesus and the Church. We need to start with who we say Jesus is. Few would deny themselves, take up their cross and follow a teacher, philosopher or prophet, but you do it for the Son of the living God. Not only might we take a burden and leave it at the cross, but one way to deny ourselves is to deny feeling sorry for ourselves, deny complaining, and deny the belief we are the only ones with such a burden.

Bishop Frey said beginning with the Garden our theme song could be, “I did it my way.” If we want to be Jesus’ disciples we need to do something about wanting autonomy. Deny yourself. He said we can’t “follow” a stationary object. Jesus is alive and on the move, we need to find how he is speaking to us. The cross is what we pick up when trying to follow Jesus, for instance speaking when others are silent. It’s walking a lifetime of following, not just being sincere in the moment. Jesus is not stationary, he’s on the march. Listen to him.

Bishop McAllister said following Jesus is not easy because the cost is to die to self, and there’s the rub. But, as Lord of our lives Jesus’ yoke is light compared to the heavy yokes we place on ourselves. One way the Church takes up the cross is with humility. Taking up the cross means remaining teachable and not so sure we have all the answers. Another way we take up the cross is with servanthood. Living in a society that looks down on servants can make it hard to be the kind of servants we could be, but discipleship is about service.

One other Bishop had spoken, but I had written this summary before then, and again am not sure where those notes are at the moment. But I think they offer some food for thought.

Parish Stuff & Drizzly Day

I'm doing my best to type this while my boy kitty is doing his best to get as close to being in my lap as he can while I have a laptop in it. Heh!

I fell asleep on the couch last night and as tends to happen when I do that, it not being the most ideal sleeping situation, I woke up very early and felt "awake." And couldn't get back to sleep. Which was when I wrote the first post today on names and identity.

It's gray and raining and drizzly out. Has been all morning. The day is zipping, by. I can't believe that it's 2pm already and I will also lose an hour between now and morning when we change the clocks. So, not the best sleep and the gray day are affecting my mood. I sure wish the sun we had the last couple days would come back, but that seems unlikely for today.

I thought about perhaps posting an email that was sent to myself and vestry on Thursday from the same patriarch who was not happy I had chosen to print +Gene Robinson's inaugral prayer. Then I also thought about posting an email to my bishop that I sent asking for advice. For now I've decided against both. I'm wondering if there is a way to summarize. Hmmm.

Okay, near the end/beginning of the year my Sr. Warden suggested considering some kind of parish survey. My concern was that this would be seen not so much as a what are some things we could do at "St. Parish", but that people would view it as a work-related performance evaluation of my position as Rector so far. There are systems set in place to do a type of evaluation, the most common of late being a Mutual Ministry Review where the parish looks at itself, and the vestry and rector look at themselves and have discussions. If it was a review of me they wanted, I wanted us to use the appropriate tool. If it was a what do we want to see happen at "St. Parish" then I wondered if a multiple choice and fill in the blank questionnaire would really get at what we want to get at and be as helpful in the end as it seems it might be on the surface. I ran it past my clergy egroup. They said surveys don't work, except if there are very specific things you want to know (Chicken or Fish for dinner). It was suggested that conversation groups would be more effective while also building and strengthening relationships.

I ran it past my bishop. His feeling was that it was premature to do an evaluation... he said there's not much yet to evaluate. He also said that a survey was not a good idea and suggested conversation groups. So I took that all back to my vestry. Since then we have had 2 busy months of Annual Meeting, Parochial Report, planning and running the Vestry Retreat, and preparing for the bishop to visit last week to receive some of our folks into the church. We've only had 1 meeting so far since Vestry retreat, and at that we went over the parish's goals, tried to update them and modify any we felt needed a little tweaking and think about where we might go from here on them. What might be first steps. Our next meeting is this coming week.

Thursday I get an email to myself and vestry from Patriarch. Patriarch is well aware of national church issues and also of diocesan matters and finances. I don't dislike Patriarch per se, I respect him and think he is intelligent and has some thoughts that need to be considered. On the other hand we are 2 different personalities with different approaches, and it goes without saying that Patriarch is old enough to be my father, and I could still be considered somewhat new in my priesthood (at what point can you consider yourself experienced? After a full Lectionary Cycle??? *grin*), and have not been a rector until now.

The vestry & search committee were aware of some of this inexperience when we discussed my accepting the position. The main tone I got back is, we're aware of it and willing to be patient and give you space to learn and grow, but we like that you're not bringing with you 20 years of doing the same thing the same way. They thought some of the willingness to be open to and try new things since I had no set way of doing them, was going to be an asset as they try to reach out to others and grow. I also was up front with the search committee and bishop about my ADD. I didn't over-emphasize it (we all have weaknesses, I just happen to know where some of mine are coming from), but I said this is one of my challenges, I've learned about it, I have some things in place to help mitigate for it, here's some of the ways it tends to show up for me, and right now I do take medication although my doctor had thought at some point once the initial learning curve and some structures are in place, I might not see a need for it and could go off it.

So that's the situation as it stood when this email from Patriarch arrives. Patriarch is not on our Vestry at the moment, and it seems like maybe he's more used to being in the know than he currently is. We are trying to be good at communicating things to the parish but since a lot of things are in process or are only being discussed there hasn't seemed as much to report.

Patriarch's email in effect expresses concern over the finances of the parish and the ability of the diocese to help if it comes down to needing help in the future, and with the current market may not have the option to sell the rectory (which is currently rented to a family). So expresses a sense of urgency around trying to turn things around and also be up front with parish about where we stand financially. And also if they don't have the funds in several years what will they do if they can't keep me on?

Patriarch (being either somewhat or completely unaware of the previous conversations around surveys and evaluation) throws out there the observation that we are approaching the end of my first year with them and we should consider some kind of evaluation (by the couple things he says it sounds along the lines of a MMR). And then set goals and expectations and work with me on how I spend my time.

Patriarch seems overly concerned with my time since I was open in a sermon a little over a month ago about the fact that I had been putting in more hours and not being the best at self care as I could be. The point of the sermon, stemming from the text where in the midst of his ministry Jesus goes off by himself to pray, and then having done that returns to his ministry. I said that my guess was that if getting sucked into some overwork and not being as intentional about rest or prayer time was happening to me then it was probably happening to them too and talked a little about our need to go off and pray, our need to give Jesus our hand and let him minister to us and heal and strengthen us so then like Peter's mother we are in a better place to use our gifts to serve others.

Rather than hearing that general message Patriarch seems to have focused on my time management. And yes, given both my personality of being more a "P" than a "J" on the myers-briggs and the ADD thing, I am aware that time management and scheduling are not the things I am best at.

My main concern is that while trying to be realistic about our situation, I don't think it does anyone any good to be anticipating our death-knell as a parish. I'm generally an optimistic person, so I have been trying to operate from a place of abundance and encouragement. Now patriarch, unanticipated and without warning throws this bomb at my vestry. With the possibility of his pessimism and anxiety to be contagious. So I felt like I needed to try and mitigate for that a bit. Also since I am my own worse critic and also because it helps me to have a big-picture idea and a calendar to reference, I went through and updated my entire calendar and listed days for when we need to start planning for or thinking about upcoming events or seasons. This will be helpful as we look at our goals and start looking at what else we want to do that's not scheduled, and try to figure out where to best fit them. Will also give people an idea of what's coming up that maybe they can be offering to help with or help follow up on. I also included in the cover letter some of the things that are in the works already, or that are being discussed that don't fit as well on a calendar, and at the back of the calendar, a list of some of the events or opportunities that have been discussed that we can consider in the future.

After that initial concern about creating urgency, pessimism and fear, and also the annoyance at his having re-opened the "evaluation" can of worms that had been put on hold for a bit. Then came my reaction to feeling criticized (even though he says that he's not intending to do that.) I see him looking at me with a certain look sometimes that reads like a teacher or parent who is a bit disapproving of what you're doing. I know I've got my own baggage around feeling inexperienced, and being very critical of myself, but I can't believe that I'm imagining it all either. Aware of that I tried to not be angry. I haven't responded to the email itself yet as both my Senior & Junior Wardens have already done so, since I was waiting to hear back from the bishop. Frankly I wasn't exactly sure what to say, and I didn't want to come off as feeling defensive. I think including him in on the email to the vestry and staff with the current calendar was a bit of my response (unsaid), which was: you want to know what's going on and you think there are some things we need to work on... here is what is going on and here are things we are working on.

Sr. Warden says to try and take it with a grain of salt and not let it get to me. My Sr. Warden is happy with the work we've been doing and the direction we're heading, so it's nice to have that support, encouragement, and affirmation. Still, as much as I tried not to let it get to me, in moments I can feel this indignant rant inside. "So... you think I'm just sitting on my a** eating bon-bons all the time and not doing what you called me to do? Well, let me just show you how many hours I've put in lately that I've actually thought to keep track of. Let me list off for you all the different things that have been demanding a piece of my attention, and then on top of that planning worship and preaching every week."

Because of some (not immediately apparent but only coming to light in recent months) lack of skill level in some things computer-format-related, the responsibility for the newsletter has fallen on me in recent months. We have a plan and volunteers in place to hand this off, but for this month it's me, and it's not done yet. I may spend some time on it later to try and have something for them when they arrive tomorrow, but I'll have to see how the afternoon & evening go. This week I was doing some final Lenten worship planning and working on coming up with a better format for the bulletin. I formatted inserts for us to chant the Great Litany, and I worked on reimbursement for some of my expenses the last couple months (need what little I can get back to help with that new car payment). I forget what else was taking some of my time. So Wednesday night at our lenten program Patriarch's wife who is also very active in the parish asks when the deadline is for the next newsletter and then tosses out as an aside, "and are we going to get this months?"

Grrr. Well, let me see... I was going to work on it over the weekend last weekend, but I decided to bake fresh bread for all of you for communion since the bishop prefers fresh bread. And then I realized that our biggest piece of news... his visit was that day and it seemed a little silly not to have that in there! But if you are so concerned about getting the dang newsletter on exactly the 1st of the month, you're more than welcome to put it together. *sigh* Oh yeah, and after you complaining about it Wednesday night, I might have actually had it done Thursday or Friday had your husband not decided to create extra work for me... yeah thanks! At least I will have my new group of volunteers to help with our next one.

No, I didn't say that. I did mention that I realized when thinking of having it out last Sunday that I'd like to wait for photos of the bishop being with us. I understand some people who are more "J" are more schedule oriented, and ideally a newsletter should come a day or two before the first or as close to or on the first as possible. But really... what's the point if having a newsletter without news?

So the last couple days has been me trying to balance my tendency to be self-critical and somewhat perfectionistic on things I work on (comes partly from high intelligence, partly from that bumping up against my learning style & ADD, and partly from my Family of Origin) with the knowledge that I have done a lot, and have been instrumental in the parish doing certain things, and being able to be satisfied with that and try not to feel too resentful.

Because I have felt a little resentful. I've been trying hard to work better on balance and self-care and actually take a real sabbath day/day off when I'm supposed to, and it looked like I might actually accomplish that this week having made it through a couple months of big, time-consuming, new things all in quick succession. I also joined a gym this week. I planned to go. The weather was nice, Thursday and promised to be on Friday. I was really looking forward to Friday.

Then I let myself get sucked into responding to Patriarch's email because I kind of wanted to head things off before maybe they could stew or react too much. It was my choice to work on the calendar and the email. I didn't have to. I could have waited until Monday. I didn't. Maybe next time I will, because while it was my choice, I kind of feel like he stole my day off out from under me. Don't send out something like that on a Thursday afternoon for heaven's sake. Sheesh.

So having missed my day off and still having to figure out exactly what the main theme and main points of my sermon are so I've been working today too, I'm grumpy at not getting a day off and at having to spend extra energy on something like this. Again, I know not getting the best sleep and the gray day are also contributing, but that's not all of it.

I don't know what else to say. That's where I'm at. It is, what it is (to quote Stephan from Top Chef *grin*), so I have to just move forward from here.

Phew long post for something I originally planned to summarize. Guess despite the phone call with my friend G earlier I still had to vent and process.

New Blog New Name? Pondering names & identity

I'm still considering ways to get back to journaling as a way of processing, reflecting, and just venting. It's been quite the week. Early on there was stuff to reflect on and I kept meaning to post to do it, but didn't. Then in the last several days there's stuff to both vent and process.

Part of me thinks that while this blog is in effect, anonymous, there are certain aspects to it that might make me not as anonymous as one might hope. I realize that there is always the chance of being "found out" somehow and it's a risk one takes if they post things publicly. There's a thought... my old original online diary had privacy settings where certain posts could only be viewed by certain approved friends/readers, and others you could post as strictly private, for your eyes only. I haven't explored if Blogger has any options like that.

So, one option would be to start another blog under a new posting name and title. The only thing is if one does that, how do you let people (other revgals for instance) who you want to know that you are really the same person that they've known in the past, know that you've adopted a new name (hey... it's really me, bythesea, but now I'm going by this new name), without also having it appear in a place or in such a way that would perhaps clue in those might have been able to figure out your RL identity from the original blog, to just shuttle over to this new place and see what you're now posting over there. I have another alias that I've been using in SecondLife and some who are regulars to the online Bible Study or who I've interacted with would know me by that name. I thought about using that for a new blog username, but again... there are some out there who know that alias and also know who it connects to in RL. So if someone stumbled across preacher party posts or blog posts by that name those people would know it was me. I don't know if this line of thinking and wondering would make any sense to anyone but me.

It's funny to think about the whole naming thing and identity piece in a week where we have the readings from OT and Gospel that talk about naming and identity, and what it means (identity) to be a disciple and follower of God.

It's interesting how we get attached to names, nicknames, and identities, even in this cyberspace. I remember once agonizing over what email to use as an alias mailer, I wanted something easy for me to remember, but also something that had some kind of connection or meaning, not just some random set of letters and numbers... like abc123. But you know... if you started emailing or blogging using even that, somehow that would become a new identity for you. People would come to recongize you as that abc123 person.

So I found myself earlier in the week holding off on posting while I pondered if I wanted a new blog and if so what kind of a name and title would I use. Would I stick with blogger, or go with something else? Would I let others know that this was someone they'd had some interactions with in the past, or would I just let them get to know me by the new name? It's possible that even with the new name and not making the change explicit to others, those who have a sense for my personality (such as others who post to the 11th hour preacher party over at revgals) might eventually see some similarity or make the connection.

Because while it's true that there is something to be said for names, and the fact that names, identities, roles etc. do influence us, on the otherhand there is the saying "a rose by any other name..." No matter what I "call" myself, or what things that particular name might bring to the foreground, the truth is that there are certain things about me that are just me. Whether you look at me in my role/ministry as priest, or as a sister, or friend, or daughter, or neighbor, or aunt, there are certain things about my personality, my experiences, my values that are constant and some things that in their particular combinations are unique to me.

Oooh, now here's a thought... I have an old online chat username that I used to go by when I was in grad school in the mid to late 90s. So there are some friends who know me by that name and by a shortened version of that name. The thought occurred to me just now that this name is one that could perhaps be resurrected and reused. While there are still some who might know that name, there are not many, and so in a way, while a bit of a nickname, it is "old", it is in the past. Have you ever tried to take back on something from the past? While there are still parts of me that are me and haven't changed from when I was using that name with folks... there are things that are different. I was living in a different place, and was pursuing a particular course of study, and dating a particular person... all of which have changed and are part of my past. So there's something about the idea of taking back up that name that feels uncomfortable, wrong. The sense is... nahhhh, I've moved forward, that's not "me" anymore.

I wonder if that's what God is saying in the renaming of Abram and Sarai this week, there are still parts of you that are you so I'm not going to radically change your names, but yet that's not you anymore. You now have a new direction, a new future, and there's going to be enough of a shift, there is something special and unique to this covenant and your relationship with me and what it means, that it needs recognition. Perhaps taking on the new name helps to move forward into that future, and helps leave other things in the past with that old self and old name.

I had another experience this week with the "identity" thing. I did actually get a new car. My old car I had had for a very long time. I actually got it back when I had that nickname I considered picking back up that feels like it belongs to the past. I bought this car the last week a boyfriend of 7 years and myself spent together as a couple, by the end of his visit to come see me where I was attending grad school, we had decided to break up. I had that car when I started dating my ex-fiance and when we broke up. I had it when I got my cats. I have taken road trips and moved to different states in that car. I made it through seminary in that car. There is a lot of history and identity connected to that car that wouldn't have been there had I only had it for a year or two.

So while I'm excited about actual safety features that the new car has that the old one didn't, and it drives real nice, I notice an interesting transition taking place. When I was leaving the car lot I had to leave my old car there and make plans to come get in in a couple days (still deciding if I will sell it or donate it or what). I realized that I'd left the cell phone charger in my old car, so drove the new car back to where it was parked to get it. There sat my old car looking all sad and lonely. And my bright new shiny car running with it's lights on ready to drive away. I felt like a bit of a traitor to the old car. I see it sitting where it's parked this week as I drive around in the new car and part of me is drawn to it and the comfortableness and history tied up in it. But part of me knows that it was time. It was starting to get old enough that it would probably become less reliable and need increasing repairs. Living in a place that gets snow where folks drive big SUVs and Trucks I also realized that my car didn't have airbags or other more current technology to help in case of a crash, and if anyone were to hit me I'd be toast.

I live in a new place, and have a new ministry and new needs that I didn't have when I bought the old car. The new car is more suited to my life as it is now than the old car was. But even though it is more suited, and even though it has the snazzy-ness of being all new and sparkley, and even though in many ways it's easier to drive and has a few more conveniences (for instance an actual cup-holder *gasp*!), it still takes some getting used to. I'm getting used to the different color, to the different shape and size that affects parking, different places things are located on the dash, etc. I even just put gas in it for the first time last night.

It was interesting when I picked up my old car on Monday what it felt like to drive it. I thought it'd be hard to drive after driving the new one for a couple days. Especially because the old car is a stick, and the new one is automatic. But it was interesting how comfortable it was to just slide into it, like an old pair of jeans or comfy shoes you've worn forever. But also ones that are starting to get holes and get worn in ways that tell you it's time to start considering a new pair. So there was a comfortableness to being in the old car and driving it, a familiarity, an attachment. But yet I could also feel within myself that I was starting to move forward. Old car doesn't have power steering (none of my cars ever has), I noticed steering it was different, and I did miss the cupholder, and the ease of mind that comes from knowing there are airbags. So there is a process of letting go, of saying goodbye, of moving on from the old car, what my life was like while I drove it. And a process of accepting the new car, getting to know one another, appreciating how it fits my life as it is now, and a sense of excitement about what the future will be.

approved for financing - eeeek

Got a phone call from one of the car folks this morning. Just to check things out we put in a preliminary credit application. Apparently I'm approved and they think I'll get pretty premium rates. Salesman said that he's never seen this particular car sell this low. I tend to believe him based on what I was seeing online last night after I got home. So I could get a really good deal on a car that I really like.

Breathe in, breathe out...

Could I be driving a new car by the end of the day???

Quick update/recap of last several months

Okay, I've gotten away from journaling/blogging and I'm realizing that that has been a really helpful thing in the past, so we'll see if I can be more intentional about it in the near future. At least in writing if I don't feel anonymous and/or safe enough to do it online.

In a nutshell:
Things are going pretty well at the parish, but have been busy.

A few snags:
upset a patriarch by printing (with a lead-in article to explain why) Bishop Gene Robinson's prayer for President Obama during inaugural events.

Hit a bit of a wall after working too many hours, too regularly, for too great a period of time. Taking some steps around that to be better in the future, hope to write more on that.

Highlights - what I've been up to October to now:
I've made it through Advent, Christmas, Stewardship, Annual Report & Annual Meeting, a 2nd funeral, my first Vestry Retreat (run by me that is, have attended others), Parochial Report (it has been filed online and a hard copy is at the diocese - woo hoo! They are due by March 1st/2nd), and my First Ash Wednesday on my own (this week). Getting ready for a bishop's visit. Took a several days of vacation time and just rested up in Mid-February.

Had my birthday nothing like something to remind you that you're getting older and are still single.

Health issues:
I was having some chest pressure. Had an ultrasound type thing (echo?), that was neat watching my heart beat live, and also a treadmill test. Good news is that heart is strong and there don't appear to be any blockages. Cholesterol is actually lower than what it's been in the past, which surprised me. But it could be better, and to help with that and keep things good with the heart the cardiologist said to exercise. So, I'm trying to decide if I'm going to join a local gym. A friend of mine just told me about Hoop Dancing. She thought I might like it because we were on drill team together in High School and twirled short-flags, some of the hula hoop dance stuff reminded her of our flag routines. Hmmmm... there may be a hula hoop or my own set of flags to play with in my future (always wanted my own pair, the ones we used in high school belonged to the school).

Also the perineal abscess continues to be a bit of a recurring problem. Blah. Went to see a specialist, he said to come back if/when the wound opens back up so he can see what's happening. Problem, it did open up but not only was it a busy week, it was also ahem my "girl time" and I really didn't want someone poking around in the lower region, plus what would he really be able to see? So I wait. Hopefully we can get this thing ultimately resolved if it continues like this. It'd be nice if it resolved on its own, but something tells me that's less likely.

One of the most recent things:
My poor car is pretty old. Is paid off, runs relatively well, but has a lot of miles, is old enough that it doesn't have safety features like air bags etc. I now live where there is winter and people in big SUVs to crash into me. So I've been doing research (yep... me and my info gathering skills combined with ADD hyperfocus) on new cars and have driven a couple this week. So far I like the Hyundai Accent and Hyundai Elantra Touring, the Honda Fit, and the Toyota Prius. I'm nervous about the financial commitment of getting a new car, but it seems to be about time. I will plan to keep this one for a while (hence the researching the heck out of it... you know gotta make the "right" choice), and it would be kind of nice to know I've got some of those safety features. So we'll see. I may actually have a car before the end of the weekend. Apparently the end of the month is the time to buy. So if I don't get one today, I should wait until the end of March or end of April if I'm going to get one in the near future.

A Suicide in the Parish

It has been a rough week.

Tuesday one of my parishioners committed suicide. We had a suicide at my last parish not too long before I left, but the Rector had been more involved in handling that. Also the circumstances were different. It was an elderly man, who's family lived out of town. He had received a cancer diagnosis. I was told that for ex-military men who kind of want to be in control of things, and who don't want to draw out the pain and suffering of a battle with cancer, that choosing to end their life is not an uncommon thing. Still sad and a tragedy. I wished that he would have not reacted so quickly, that he would have talked to someone or something, he was such a dear man, I missed seeing him in the front pew at our early service.

This situation is different. What I write here is nothing that the wife hasn't said to others this week. These things weren't asked to be kept in confidence. I feel it's okay as I process these events to share some of these known details here.

This is a 62 year old man with a beautiful wife, daughter, siblings, and many friends. He did not receive any kind of scary diagnosis, but like T did, L chose to end his life with one of his guns on Tuesday. This does not seem to be a long-term depression, but something more recent, and more a reaction to some recent financial difficulties. His wife said he had felt very ashamed and like a failure that the businesses weren't doing better. Apparently they had met with a lawyer in the last week, who told them that they weren't close to needing to file bankruptcy. They have their own business, and business had been a bit slow in the spring. Had picked up in the summer, but recently had slowed back down, barely doing more than paying for itself at this point.

I had a parishioner come into the office on Tuesday and tell me that one of our 94 year olds hadn't looked well on Sunday. I called to check up on him, and also called his niece. I called my Senior Warden to let him know what had transpired in the phone call with the niece, but he wasn't home yet. I ended up talking to his wife a little bit about the elderly parishioner who is becoming more frail (and still driving!).

As we were ending the conversation she said, you know who I'm worried about is "L". Really? She said that the wife had mentioned to them that he'd been a little down the last couple weeks. He'd been on her mind since. We both agreed that when that happens that there tends to be a reason for it. I realized that I hadn't seen them in about 2 weeks myself - but it's not uncommon for me not to see them for a week or 2, and many of my parishioners travel. I had been about to leave and go home for the day, but decided to call and check on them first.

Wife answers and I say it's me. She asks, "Is L with you?" No I said. She makes a comment that it's strange I would happen to call now. She said she was really worried about him, afraid something might have happened to him. Then call waiting clicked in and she said she had to go, could she call me back. Sure I said. As I hung up the phone I was worried. I didn't know if it was the kind of situation that was about to unfold, or if there was something else going on, but I thought if I was worried about my spouse I wouldn't want to be alone. So I looked up their address and drove over.

When I got there I discovered that he had failed to go to a checkup type doctors appointment that afternoon and that had originally alerted the wife that something might not be right. Then she found some notes he had written in a tablet. So when I arrived she had about 4 or 5 friends with her, the police had been called and they were out trying to locate him by trying to find the car. The car was equipped with On-Star.

I tried to be hopeful, despite the fact that the notes had me very concerned and somewhat prepared for the news. Since nobody new what time he might have left the house, and they thought all the firearms were in the house and no medicine seemed to be missing, I hoped that he might drive around and have second thoughts. Or that he wouldn't be quick about it and he might be found and talked out of harming himself. I prayed a lot, tried to be a calm presence, but it was difficult. The waiting was excruciating. At some point we knew they had found the car and beyond that we knew nothing. More waiting.

Then the patrol officers came. I could tell by their body language that they did not have good news for us. They asked us to go into the house. Poor wife, her face fell and you saw the realization hit, this is not going to be good news. She was so broken-hearted and distraught. I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do but sit by her, hold her hand, hug her when she needed it, etc. The first police officers couldn't tell us much except that he had been found and was deceased. Then began the waiting for the detective, who could tell us more once the investigating he needed to do was done. He did say that it had been a gun, he asked to see the notes and asked a few questions about the events of the day.

I felt bad for all the police officers, you could tell how much they hated having to break this kind of news. I asked when I was alone with them if they have any kind of chaplain available to them after they deal with something like this. Then just more crying, processing, and phone calls to be made to family members.

I was able to get ahold of a couple friends to have praying and also my bishop who called back and had some good advice given the situation.

So it has been a long week as the family has gathered, and plans have been made. Today I will officiate the service. This will be my first funeral in this new parish. It will be my first funeral completely on my own as a priest - except for the graveside service a funeral home had asked me to conduct in my previous location. And it will be only the 2nd I have preached as the rector or other clergy who knew the families tended to preach the ones in our last parish. This situation is so different from the 90-something year old who died from a medical cause after a long life, that there's not much in that previous sermon that I can use or adapt, and the readings are different.

So my prayer this day is that the service will be what it needs to be for family and friends who gather to remember and mourn for L. That the Spirit will give me the words that people need to hear at this time. I have a little anxiety too, because there are bound to be a lot of people there, and for lack of better words, I want to do a "good job" for L and for his family and friends. I want to be the pastoral presence that people need at this time. I feel so blessed to have been supported by kind words, advice and prayers from colleagues and friends.

Well, now that I've gotten some of this out, maybe I can focus on piecing the sermon together from the notes I've been writing the last several days and be able to get out of my own way enough to let God in and to do the ministry I was called to do in this place.

A painful week :P

I know that I'm not mourning the loss of loved ones during 9/11 events and I'm not having to evacuate and possibly return to loss/damaged home and belongings ravaged by hurricane winds and rain, but my week has not been a fun one.

Sunday I noticed a swelling in a place there shouldn't be. By Monday this hadn't changed at all and perhaps seemed worse, so I ended up in the ER. Doctor there says she thinks it's a Bartholin Cyst (a blockage/infection/abcess of the Bartholin's gland), but that the time isn't right to drain it. Follow up with your doctor within a few days. Put me on antibiotics, painkillers, and said to use warm compresses. I never even knew this gland existed and have never heard of this condition, but apparently it's something women get on occasion and nobody really knows what causes the blockage or how to prevent it from happening. This gland, by the way is in our private area, so the result is tenderness, pain, and problems sitting and walking (depending on how bad it gets).

There were times the pain was so uncomfortable I was on the verge of tears, but other times when the painkillers were working or I was sitting just right that it was relatively okay. Needless to say the pain, discomfort, and trying to take care of it and get better kept me from getting much of any work done all week. I couldn't get in to see anyone on Wednesday but got an appointment on Thursday to follow up with my doctor. She took a look at it and decided it wasn't something she wanted to handle in the office and sent me back to the ER *grumble*. I guess I don't blame her, the thing was approaching golf-ball size. So back to the ER I went. After 6 hours of mostly waiting around (did have a TV so watched some things on the Food Network to keep myself occupied), and some treatment (finally!), I finally had some relief and seemed to be on the mend.

Friday had an follow-up appointment and this doctor wanted to see me again this coming Monday. The only small glitch is the packing that was supposed to stay in the wound until Monday has decided to come out. I'm so sick of doctors and have already been in the ER twice this week that I'm not sure what to do. I may just place a phonecall to one of the doctors and ask them what they recommend I do. From what I read on the internet to recover completely can take up to about 4 weeks and I may need to get a little catheter put into the gland that would be removed after several weeks.

In the meantime I remain on the mend with my antibiotics, painkillers if I need them, my sitzbath tub, couchsurfing, and of course a blanket and my 2 kitties to keep me company.

I've definitely had better weeks, that's for sure. But I am thankful for the caring people that helped get me to and from the doctor when I don't have family nearby to help.

Death of Seminary Classmate

My seminary classmates and I find ourselves grieving the death of one of our own. It's been almost 2 weeks now. A week ago Monday I got the call. Actually the call came from a mentor/friend (K) who still works from the seminary and thought I should hear it from a person.

We had known "B" was sick, that he'd had a major surgery. That had been shared via email and egroup. We were getting updates from family and friends who had been to visit him. I sent a card to say that he was in my thoughts and prayers. This was a serious thing, the recovery was so new that it was hard to know how full of a recovery he might make, although there was cause for hope (I guess always room for hope). Because of the baby steps he was making and other reports, it had sounded to me like B was out of immediate danger. So when I got the news that he had arrested, been unable to be resuscitated, and died, it game as a bit of a shock.

I found the next day that I had this heaviness on me, like a thick blanket I was wearing and lugging around with me everywhere, or a little dark cloud overhead. My word for it was being in a bit of a funk. That was Tuesday. The next day, that Wednesday, was a little better, but still felt out of sorts, like a bit of an energy drain on me. In the midst of all this on Monday night, Tuesday, and Wednesday there were phone conversations and emails etc. with other classmates to share information, to touch base on how we were feeling, to let us know the details of the services that were being planned. Most of us live too far to make the service.

At first I was a little baffled and surprised at how the death was affecting me. I mean within my class off the top of my head I can't think of someone who would probably be more of a polar opposite from me. Oh wait, maybe I just did. But still, we were very different people and we were not all that close. There is a small group within my class that I was much closer to and who I still remain in pretty regular contact with via phone and email. If one of those people were to suffer the same circumstances as B, it would hit me very hard.

So I started to wonder was I being a hypocrite? Was I feeling bad because I thought I was supposed to feel bad? What was going on? But then as I spoke to a few others it helped to know that we were experiencing some similar things around this death. And then I gave it more thought and it started to make sense.

It's hard to explain to others the unique way in which a seminary class can be bonded. Thinking of recent readings from Romans about Christian Community, a seminary class is a Christian Community, with it's various members, it's various gifts, it's various flaws that we all bring to it. You become, in a sense, like family, or like people who have "endured" or "experienced" something together, like people that were in the Peace Corps together, there are things that you understand, that you "get" without having to explain. There are inside jokes, fun times, and struggles that you have had in the midst of one another. You have endured boring times, Ember Day Letters, Commissions on Ministry, group projects, and other things together. You spend 3 years together, joined at the hip much like an elementary school class. You take almost every class together (except the occasional elective, and even then classmates may be in there), day in and day out, every day, all day for 3 years. You worship together every day, you eat together a good 4 times per week. You are part of each others learning, part of each other's formation. So, it makes sense that there would be grief. Sure, we all are resurrection people with hope and trust in God. But that doesn't mean that we don't feel the absence of one of our number, of part of the family.

I have heard some news about what B had been up to recently. I think I also grieve for the fact that I didn't get to encounter this version of B, who had apparently finally wrestled with some demons and sounds like he was much happier for it. I will miss his passion, his boldness, and maybe most of all, his sense of humor. I loved hearing that he had planned out his own service, there's someone after my own liturgy geek heart, and maybe we weren't as different as it had seemed on the surface. *grin*

This week was better. I still thought of B, and had some conversation with another classmate who is still processing. But it wasn't as distracting, as much as a preoccupation or energy drain as the first week (no this week had it's own challenges). But it was still there. I think the dynamics in our class will never be the same. The shock of losing B in the here and now will wear off some, but I think just as a family moves forward after a death and yet is never the same, I think our seminary class will likely be like that. I pray that it is some time before we experience this kind of grief and loss again. And B, I pray for you that ultimate peace, healing, and joy that can only come from being in God's presence. Amen.